track and examine my motivation, and work on maintaining it

I’m in a bit of a weird space at the moment – well, I say that, but it’s an all-too frequent state of affairs for me: a couple of horrendous nights’ sleeping, and with a set of snuffles that have now dragged on for a month. Urg. In fact, I wouldn’t be entirely surprised to find I’ve written this entry before. I should re-read more, really!

Anyway, point being that my energy reserves are pretty low at the moment for one reason and another (I’m okay, really – this is just my life!!), and a lot of ‘stuff’ just isn’t being done. However, I’m surprisingly unfretted about it: I still have 6 months on the studying front, new job is great (another tiring thing, as I learn learn learn!) if still baffling, and I’m still being fairly active (ish) although no guilt on the gym due to snuffles.

In other words, I’m not stressed about what I’m not doing. In fact, I’m quietly chuffed at what I am getting through. Which is… nice. Sensible, even. Definitely an attitude worth cultivating, especially as my capabilities expand – but with the realisation that they are never as much as I want them to be. And that has to be okay. Just – celebrate what is getting done.

I do like the sidebar quote that came with this:

“Be what you are, and become what you are capable of becoming.”

There’s nothing like two days to yourself to brighten that mood, is there? :) Add in 10 hours of sleep, 45 minutes of reading in bed with 2 cups of tea… ah, my kind of numbers!

Sort of mixed feelings about my motivation right now. I’m feeling better – calmer, happier – today than I have in a while, but I’m still not rushing to do. Eventually that will catch up with me, and me being me even ‘calm’ mode comes with that background guilt. However, I’m determined to relax and – for a little while longer at least – let things move at their own pace. Is still snuffly. Is still new at job. Is still battling tiredness most days! So, yes: I’m very happy to feel brighter today, but I’m also not going to jump back into the ‘do-do-do’ panic that drags me down.

That said, there’s plenty of little things I can pick away at until I feel up to more. Just… go with the flow, C.

But you know what? From this little space of tranquility, the (near) future looks brighter. Next week I’ll go back to work refreshed and with that enthusiasm I am so desperate to cultivate. I’ll get my new library book, and access to the uni’s network, and studying will continue. I’ll sleep well, and eat well, and manage my time to have just that hour every evening to carry on my hobbies.

Urgh, I am so frickin’ tired of late! I have to keep reminding myself that I’m under the weather, and not just a lazy sod. Argh!

Thought tonight’s to do list was nice and simple: 1 phone call, cook pre-prepared stirfry, eat, dishes, laundry. I’ve got the last two to finish off – and quite frankly would rather just go to bed. I ache with tiredness! How the heck am I supposed to study, write reviews, make cards, exercise and EVERYTHING, when I feel like this?!

Sigh. Another week of hideously early nights it is, then – if needs be. And they be!

And now I’m off to eat some chocolate. Just cos!!

Sometimes I think, “Gawd, I’ve been a member of this site for almost three years – and I’m only just now figuring this out?!” – but, at least I’m figuring it out! Yay for self-discovery, eh?

Anyway. This thought starts to germinate some weeks ago, when the hubby of the friend who got me into card making looked at some of my half-finished efforts and pronounced, “They look like you were in a rush”. Hmm. He’s a mate and can get away with such comments, but he was also very very right. I love his missus’ cards: so detailed, so rich. So obviously more time spent (and with less fear of ‘wasting’ materials!) over them. Hmm again.

A bit of ruminating over the implications, and obviously they’re wider than just cards. I mean, why don’t I give any time to cards, when I say I enjoy it? Well, ‘cos my results aren’t what I want, so I enjoy it less. And they aren’t as good as I know I can manage, because I DO rush through them – because I feel guilty giving time and energy to something that isn’t studying, even if what I go on to do is veg online.

And everything else: at work I’m making out to-do lists for the evening, or wondering if I can sneak in a few minutes study reading, and feeling guilty for it. Overall I have a disconnection from my job, because it’s not on that ‘me list’ – but it should be, especially the new job! When I do reach the evening, I daren’t give up time to go to the cinema for a maybe-movie (ie one I’m not 100% sure of) ‘cos I should surely be doing something more productive. I can’t even sit and watch TV without having the ‘pooter on, or flicking through a magazine – and even when I am online I’m flicking between sites, or games, or…!

Wow. The things you finally figure out about yourself!

Thing is, it’s not making me happy. I’m trying to squeeze in a lot, doing none of it very well, and not really enjoying most of it. I need – not to do less, which has always been my suspicion/fear – but to do less at one time! Single-task, for a change. Let myself get caught up in just that one thing. Focus. Revel!!

In other words, slow down. Things will still get done – actually, I suspect more things. Just one at a time, for a change!

I’ve been wittering on about confirming my goals, and about time being precious. So: I know what I want to do, the other side of it being the doing.

This morning I was thinking about the old story of the full jar. There are various forms, but basically a university lecturer stands up in front of his class with a jar ‘full’ of rocks. Is the jar full? Of course. He then pulls out a bag of pebbles, and procedes to shake several into the jar. Is the jar full now? Yup. So he gets some sand, and suddenly the jar is even more full! Finally he picks up the cup of coffee from his desk, and of course it goes into the jar – proving that no matter how full life is, there’s always room for a cup of coffee! :)

The moral, of course, is that if you’d started with the sand, there would have been no space for rocks. You have to build your life on the big important things first.

So what are my rocks, my pebbles, my sand – and that liquid that always finds space regardless? I think:

• Rocks – the ‘immovables’
  Work, sleep, friends; eating (and healthily at that!)?

• Pebbles – important choices
  Studying, exercise

• Sand – the supporting stuff that fills the gaps
  Reading, creativity (cards and reviews), long hot baths

• Liquid – that which can always be squeezed in
  Online time, tv watching, housework?

Obviously I have to go to work, and to sleep. But otherwise: is my first choice of activity the ‘pebbles’? How often to I head straight for the liquids, instead – leaving no room/time/energy for the middle layers. Think about it.

Of course, theory isn’t the same as practice. Restructuring my whole life is going to take time: a lot of questioning my actions at any one point – am I as far up the priorities scale as I can be at this moment in time?

End of the world predications are ten a penny really, and mostly worth ignoring! However, every now and then something crops up that does seem – well, not likely to really destroy the planet, but… y’know, it’s a plausiblity. So while I didn’t actually think the Large Hadron Collider (first particle beam was switched on this morning!) was the end of all things, it does raise the What If?

If suddenly today the world just ceased to exist… well, we wouldn’t really know, it could be as sudden as a blinking of an eye. Or we could get a few hours/days warning… how terrible! I’d rather it just stopped without warning. But. How sad. How much of my life is unlived, really.

It’s just one of those thoughts I think we all have from time to time. If it ends tomorrow, how would I feel about that? Well quite frankly I’d be dead and unlikely to care, right!? But it can be a motivating thought for now – just, don’t obsess about it, right? – all those things you want to achieve… are you going to, or are they always going to be ‘one day’, until there are no more one days?

In a smaller, more real example: Monday afternoon I arrived home early from work, feeling pretty rubbish. However, there were several things that I had to do – I hadn’t planned on being ill! – and I ended up just snuffling through them as quickly as possible, knowing I was going to have to go for a lie down sooner rather than later!

It’s the same theory. Sooner or later you run out of energy, so get things done while you can.

Following on from this morning’s post:

Often, I’d love to go for a walk. A long ramble – either finding some countryside, or one of my ‘wanna’ meanders through the town. Of course, I’d want nice weather… And dang, it’s raining – so I won’t. Wish I’d made more of the sunny weather while it was here…

Thought: didn’t I? I mean, was there as much sunshine as I assume there must have been; or – very likely in this country! – was it always just a bit too miserable outside for that walk?

Is my life like that? Always waiting for the right conditions – the weather, the time, to feel in the mood?

I don’t really have flu – obviously, or I wouldn’t be able to type like this – but I certainly feel like it! :( Making a cup of tea is so much effort, it definitely requires a long sit down afterwards – which isn’t so bad, I guess ;)

It does, however, provide an excellent opportunity to look at my life. After all, the spirit is still willing – there are a ton of things I can think to be doing with a day off work! – but the flesh is weaker than usual.

And then it hit me: I know I’m not well, and this has to be a day of rest. But instead of catching up on some videos, I’ve sat flicking through crap, and playing solitaire – which is exactly what I do even when I’m feeling well!

I’m fed up of this. Why can’t I stick to my goals, why do I waste so much time? Today is acceptable – although even then, reading or watching something chosen would be more satisfying than just waiting for the day to pass me by.

But when I’m better: I do have enough time. I don’t need to avoid the gym to make time for studying. I don’t need to ignore my guitar, ‘cos I’m supposed to be card making. I can write, if I want, when the mood takes me rather than waiting ‘til 2011 and post-dissertation!

And there’s still time to watch movies. To snuggle up with a book. To take long, hot baths. There’s definitely still time for 43T – just, remember why I’m here! There are so many things I want to do with my life – but I have to start the doing now.

edit
As ever, easier to say I will do something when I’m not in a postition to start! Let’s see if I can do this – however gradually.

I’ve started by looking at my vision board stuff again, adding a few bits and pieces – I’ll try and tick to the goal off this week!

I’m now away to look at my ‘one day’ (ie ‘given up’) list – perhaps reminding myself of what I want to do when I’m finished doing what I’m doing (!) will encourage me to get on with the ‘now’ things :)

has me feeling particularly motivated today

Knowing that going back to work after a nice relaxing hol is knackering, I decided that my evenings this week would be nice and lazy. No cooking, even!

And yup – I need it! Have been ready for sleep since 7pm, definitely! Thank goodness I can just crash out :)

And then a funny thing happened. I made the soup I’ve been meaning to for days – well, I’m not cooking, I can do it while the pasta’s boiling, and that’ll be a nice healthy lunch for tomorrow. Then, since the kettle was boiled for the stock anyway, I might as well use the ‘spare’ water to do the dishes – there’s only about 6 things, might as well.

THEN… well, look – I’ve got 90% of this review written, five minutes waffling about essential oils and it’ll be done. It’s a good evening to post it, then I can do the photo show one at the weekend…

My gawd, that’s more productive than I usually manage! Okay, no studying (brain overload from work anyway!) and I totally can’t face the ironing now, but – yay!

So my thinking is thus: over the holidays I admittedly got a darn sight less done that I would have liked, but was happier than I’ve felt in ages. There does need to be balance, but really: life is there to be ENJOYED! Frantically rushing through getting things done, but feeling tired and drained and a bit miserable isn’t living. To hell with the ironing, if watching crappy tv will make me happier!

Do I have a point? Is there a way to stop piling the ‘must dos’ on myself, and still get enough done – just more happily?!

I’m certainly up for the experiment!