Never settle for less than what I really want

The focus needs to shift, I was (unfortunately) so focused on getting “him” to like me, that I never took the time to really discern how I feel/felt about “him”. It became about wanting to be wanted. If anything “he” should be putting in d@mn hard work to get me to like him. It is MY choice!

Its time to be honest about what I really want…This is a HARD pill to swallow…

This is an incredibly difficult change to make. I have been doing good, had a set back last night…must shift and refocus and keep going.

I said NO!—-FINALLY…
I put my needs before his, I laid out my expectations…and I am ok with it. I am angry @ him for leading me on, I am frustrated because I put myself in that position AGAIN- but most of all I am SO VERY PROUD OF MYSELF- because I said NO!!! I was honest and raw with myself, and took a GIANT step forward :)

Last Sunday, I made a presentation about my life and my ambitions
I really worked hard to reach everyone’s heart
To pursued others on putting dimensioned plans for the future
The thing I wanted to hear is a cheering quote to move on and check every move I’m planning to.
I worked hard and I earned a very very very great emotional and material feed back

I want to disappear for a while…M.I.A…away from it all, the men, the chaos, the noise…I really need to get away…
My birthday is coming up…I was thinking of just a spa release but my spirit needs to travel…Destination-Unknown

Clear my head…re-organize and move forward.

I am so tired of society making people feel awful for wanting to be wanted. What good is it, if you are successful (whatever that definition is for you) & you have NO ONE to share it with?
It is wrong to want to be wanted or to want someone…It is wrong to seek companionship, as humans we cannot function without it. Yet, I constantly hear this push for the I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T woman…SUPERWOMAN…can do it all…
Without a companion, a mate…whole person or not- I believe-leaves a sense of hollow-ness.

Who is whole? What does it mean to be whole? No one but GOD should complete us…but the idea of being “WHOLE” baffles me…as a counselor..I see it all, it seems…
NONE OF US ARE WHOLE on a continuum…Always something to process or deal with…We have moments of “wholeness” however they come and go (well..its my theory)

ALSO- I found that people I know who are married, especially females more times than not, rarely have a close knit of friends…making their spouse hold dual roles…I do not think that is healthy, but so many women I know, say they don’t have many female friends to hang with…why is that? After you get married OR in a relationship your partner becomes the friend-lover-confidant-therapist-spouse-
THE EVERYTHING???

I digress…needed to vent

I want a companion…someone who doesn’t leave me feeling empty, someone who supports my passion, someone who understands my quirky-ness, someone to learn from, grow with, someone to be wild and open and vulnerable with…Someone I can lean on, when this “wonderwoman” feels she can’t do it all (like this week)...Someone who sees my flaws as potential…a man I can love unconditionally and who reciprocates that love…God Fearing…(ran out of breath)...

Learning to love myself unconditionally…but still wanting to love someone else ::sigh:: Don’t want to look for love, in all the wrong places….

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
—Corinthians 13:7-8

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
—Robert Heinlein

L.O.V.E

I am so indecisive…and this is something I really need to tackle. Its wanting the “Claire Huxtable” life or this wild, crazy, free life…being rooted, versus having wings.

I want to see the world and learn about various cultures, live wild and free…but I want to have at least one child and be married and I feel like the d@MN clock is ticking…arrggghhhh!!!

I found myself so very happy for my best friend who is getting married next year and envious at the same time. Hearing her fiance say “I will always be here for you” and watching them have these subtle, intimate moments made me gleam for her (she finally reciprocates) and also envy that kind of love that I have yet to find. The funny thing is, she used to say she would NEVER get married and she didn’t (still doesnt) want kids and I remember her saying she lived vicariously through me. That touched me, she has always been a sister to me and to hear her “sorta” want something I have, was like whoa…she appreciates her blessings and I appreciate mine, but I feel like sometimes we want what the other has…I want both(can not lie)...but you can’t have both…can you?

I want to love unconditionally
work hard & play harder
to be more financially responsible
to look in the mirror and LOVE what I see from head to toe…

I want MORE…..

I am going to take time, sit down and REALLY evaluate what it important to me. From spiritually to physically, mentally and sexually—Friendships, romantic relationships, family relationships….

I am going to pick one—-find out what i want, and never settle…
AND—-its OK, if what I want…changes….