Might as well rename this goal to NSFB but the Urban Dictionary teaches me that it means ‘Not Safe For Breakfast’ and that is not what this is. It is more like my thoughts and ramblings but the ones that are too private for me to publish on my (public) blog pages. After all those are read by my wider community of friends, family and even colleagues. I don’t mind writing there about stuff like what happened today, how I don’t understand Uggs or Crocs fashions, or even what it is like to have trouble making kids… but I won’t share my life concerns that may upset them people. It is tough enough as it is for me, maintaining a social life. :p
The thing is this:
I am having ginormous problems with concentration. Not just a little distraction, noooo, really inability to focus on what must be done. And guess what? It’s all about work. I don’t do my work stuff. Something inside of me is resisting with full force when I sit down to do something relating to work. It is almost physical. I open the document, I stare at it, and I close it again. Almost like I can’t do anything about it. It is strange and I know it is insane. I need the work, we need the money, yet I cannot do it. Insane.
Today I am home because I am recovering from a bitchy flu but to be honest I am also trying to uncover for myself what the hell I am going to do. I was supposed to be working of course but, yeah, like hell that is working. I just can’t. I tried everything, from rewarding myself to disciplinary measures and everything in between and to the sides, but nothing works.
There must be something that is causing this. I decided to explore what may lie at the foundations of this stupid distractedness. This morning I did a long meditation. That was bliss, not in the least because having time and space for myself without keeping one ear cocked for cries or coughs or other kiddies’ disruptions is a rare occasion these days. It also gave me a bit of peace inside. What it did not give me, although it was what I was hoping for, was the answer. However, I did ask for guidance during my actions and, well, this is what I got: even further inability to get to work.
Hm. Is this a sign? One cannot help but wonder.
I decided to explore the issue further in the direction of the meditation. I went to the website of a therapist who was recommended to me a while back. It is uncanny, you see, how many links to shamanism keep popping up in my life these days. I got into contact with that a few years back (from MamaBear, at the time) and although I read some stuff and seek guidance in that way sometimes – like this morning – I never really got into it. My biggest fear is the same as always: before you know it you meet some close-knit community of ‘believers’ (be it shamanism or herbs or capoeira or what-have-you, believers are everywhere) and then there are rules and conventions and social dynamics and cliques and I am outta there before you can say ‘rattle and drum’.
Still, the number of instances where people address this is starting to get unsettling. A man I know from work told me of this guy in the east of the Netherlands who helped him realise a few things about where his character comes from and how to work with that. Sounds good, the way he told it. And so I go to this guy’s website today – it’s not like I was doing anything else like working or summink – and I am startled to find that he does regression therapy and reincarnation therapy. Woah. Here I was thinking it was about ancestors. Ancestors, you see, do not necessarily require believing in as such; they’re (or were) there and that’s that. Genes and stuff: clear as a crystal. Reincarnation and regression is a whole different (ball) game!
Pfff, now that puts up a great big hurdle for me to climb over if I want to learn a bit about that and myself. That and the fact that this guy lives and works about 2.5 hours away from me so it’s not like I just take a chance and do a get-to-know talk with him on a Tuesday morning while my mother in law (don’t talk about her please, don’t wanna) looks after the kiddies. Argh. A new mountain on my list (i.e. mountain range) of things I would like to explore (i.e. cross).
So what about that work then?
Well that’s another route I have been exploring today. (It’s not all about regression you know? If even that.) There are some ideas in my head that have to do with starting my own business. I even have a 43 goal about that. Two ideas, in fact. One is (might as well tell y’all) starting a web shop with paper products and arty stuff. I love that very much and it would be something that my heart would go to. Sounds good but hardly profitable. I am a practical person.
The other idea comes from a shop across the street here. The underwear shop is closing after having been here for 40 years. I kid you not. The owner is retiring and the shop is up for sale. I never saw myself as an underwear salesperson and I don’t know anything about it but I was toying with the idea of running a joint on-site/online shop with organic basics: t-shirts, underwear, little black dresses, etc. The stuff that you always need but that is so hard to find and it’s good to have a sure address for. Hell, I could even set up a subscription where people (men…) get sent new slips every 3 months, before the old ones get washed out and stuff. I dunno.
Nice ideas, sure. But I don’t know anything about all this. I have never run a business. Most of all: I cannot afford to just quit my current job (something that every fibre in my being is clamoring for right now) and start something that at first will cost me a shitload before I even know if it will yield any profits at all. Got a house, got kiddies, got a man who’s already working way too hard. I could combine it with freelance stuff I guess but that would put me right back into my current work field and I am just. so. tired. of. that. What to do what to do?
Damn, those are a lot of words for something that’s not even on the blog…
Your thoughts (please be kind) are welcome. 15 months ago