be kinder to myself

on Friday….not sure how I should put this except just to say it, but it was honesty from two people close to me, and it was uncomfortable, because they both suggested that I might want to communicate differently with others in order to communicate more respect for others’ feelings (neither of them used the term respect, that’s my self-reproach). It hurt! However I notice that the hurt passed as soon as the communication was over…no lingering pain. Not sure if this is because with both people we exchanged explicit reassurance that we share and give feedback in order to express our desire to work toegether best….or whether I am holding myself less responsible…I hope it might be the latter. To one of my friends I said, “this will not be the last time I’m sure that you will say something like this to me, however I will be working on it…I hope to improve little by little although I imagine I may be working on this till I am old, and may not even get done in this life.” At that moment I felt all right with it!

I made a commitment to myself to be more assertive (which, as noted, is part of living as rigorously honest), but I also want to get along with and work with my supervisor, not against him. I am finding this difficult, since I often hear him speak from his own perspective rather than the team’s. I feel I go to one extreme (trying to please him rather than work with him) or the other (take issue with anything about which I feel uncomfortable, and spend meeting time unproductively hassling over small issues).

All this to say that I accepted another responsibility at a meeting with him yesterday. At first, as I left the meeting, I was bitterly disappointed with myself. Then, the healing phrase, “Well, nobody’s perfect”...and, surprisingly enough, I seem to have let go and gone on to the next thing! Wow.

I am afflicted with a horrid head cold. Lemon & Honey drinks plus extra sleep for me!

I’ve decided to mark this done. It doesn’t quite fit with what I want to achieve yet in a way it has helped. I have really defined what I need to work on in this area & that is communicating what I want WELL verbally.

I can express myself pretty well in the written word but I refuse to bring that as a necessity in interpersonal relationships. I need to work on it, I need to be less willing to sacrifice what I want.

I’ve talked to my partner about this a bit today. He knows it, I know it so now it is time to get to work.

is to step back & take stock of what I really want, to articulate that & to get it. To be free from getting so enmeshed in everything that I am operating on auto pilot or default to self-sacrifice.

There is nothing wrong with giving up something or compromising for the sake of others but it is important not to get lost in the process.

I think I have been working on this, getting better at it.

I’ve picked up on Robert asking me “What exactly do you want?” or “say what you want”. His tone is completely such that I think he has realised that I do perhaps go with the flow a little too much.

It’s good to acknowledge these things. I can see improvement. In fact in some regards, I am keen to mark it complete but to perhaps restate something similar in a new goal.

due to hormonal influences, I felt pretty crap, sore & tired.
So I stuck it out over half the day then told myself it’s okay to go home & sleep. So I did. Was the best thing! Then had a loverly afternoon/evening with my dearest :D

Lots of good talking, planning & scheming over the weekend.

I’ve gotten much better & courageous at expressing myself & my concerns & ultimately this is kindness towards others & myself.

I am also happy because I think I managed to inspire some new ideas in my Monsieur. New ways at looking at income & how he can do whatever he wants if he puts his mind to it. He can work AND enjoy himself at the same time. :)

So after writing about financial related aspects of this goal yesterday, my partner & I ended up having a talk about this some more. He’s going to spend the day thinking about options for how he can bring in some more money & I think we’ll discuss it all further over the weekend. I pointed out some of the realities of our situation that perhaps he had not realised which I consider an act of kindness toward myself because now there is some momentum building. I too, am going to work on thinking about ways he can find work that fits around both his studies (which are almost full time) & his ethics.

I think we can move forward very positively from here.

It’s all been a little bit bought into the light based on the fact that Robert’s student loan has been messed & he’s not been paid any living expenses for 2 weeks. Kind of highlights things a little… He does work for my parents but it’s not quite enough.

I sacrifice a lot of small little things in favour of setting up my own business & to support my partner through his studies. This is fine, these are choices that I have made. At the same time I do not think that I utilise my remaining resources (ie money) in necessarily the best way. I spend on frivolity rather than things that will help me further my goals. I think there does need to be some degree of frivolous spending in life as it facilitates spontaneous living, however, I think I need to keep better track of what I am doing.

One example is that I need to get my boot fixed for Winter. Yet I’ve put it off thinking I should use my money on other things whilst in the mean time I have spent half the cost of the repair on buying dinner for us…

So, I need to keep track better. Then I can direct energy more successfully toward also being kind to myself. :)

(As far as money/spending can equal kindness)

I also had another early night :D

I had another kind night in that I just listened to music & watched a movie & did things at my own pace & in my own time.

I meditated a bit & put myself to bed early instead of waiting til Robert got back from band practice.

I’ve been needing extra sleep lately due to busier work time.

I wanted to take a nice relaxing bath but it’s hard enough showering with a bag over my wrist injury so I think I will do so once it’s all healed up. I don’t take baths often due to conserving water but now & then I do.

last night I just let everything go & went to bed at 8:30. I’ve had a pretty full on week & I did have a driving lesson after dinner & before sleep too.

My Body Temple must have wanted it. I instinctively got straight into bed when I got home!