think before I speak when arguing

Making this a goal only made it explicit that I do not want to regret what comes out of my mouth. I cannot blame myself for the bitter air in the room if I stay honest to who I am and respect the space between myself and the other. I can only be an open and willing participant, I can listen with my heart as well as my intellect; and if that doesn’t work, I haven’t anything to regret. I tried.

I just got in a heated argument with my Mother. Why the Hell do I let her get to me? I am so fucken sick of her criticism, the power it has over me. Why can’t I just block her out? Why do I care so God damn much about what she thinks of me? Why do her words have such resonance?

Somehow, like always, we got on the topic of my eating after she starts bitching about my father’s drinking, and how that ruined his birthday. Yes he drinks too much, but he doesn’t drink because he enjoys it. He does it to escape. Why can’t she see that? She went on to say that he once blamed his drinking on my ed. I said that drinking was how he coped with it, how he copes with everything, nothing new, and that I believe if they went into some kind of marital counciling his drinking would become less of a problem, currently he drinks to cope with their “relationship.” She then sarcastically concluded, “I thought your ed was a result of his drinking.” I shot back, “It was a product of this sick family. You can’t blame everything on my Father.” Her response, “Listen to yourself. You don’t take responsibility for anything.” WTF! I didn’t choose to have an eating disorder! I just feel so sick. If anything I take on too much responsibility. I feel responsible for things that I have no control of, I take on the impossible, like trying to fix their marriage.

“when I speak, what is it that you hear?”

Communication takes two. I just have to give in to the reality that there is only so much I can do. One can never fully know another from the inside.