For most of the past year, I have not been able to write to myself. I have however noticed as of late that I have been able to get words out if I sit and the computer and let small sentences come out. What happens strangely is that poetry does flow out of my fingers. This is strange because I have never been interested in poetry, nor have I ever considered myself able to write it. I am sure it is not good, but when others read it, it seems to speak very deeply to them… So that is something amazing, because it is something from the core of me that simply hurts or wants to be let out.
Anyway, I decided to try to journal again. My heart was seriously damaged over the past year, and I believe that was why I was not able to express myself. I did not want to think about it, rehash it over, cry, or even in some cases be happy about other things. I simply wanted to live and not feel any extreme in emotion one way or the other.
A few days ago I wandered into a store with a friend who was looking for something specific and I stumbled upon the coolest journal I had ever seen. It was without a price and also happened to be the only one they had. Spontaneously I decided to buy it. It simply spoke to me. So far I have only written one entry, but I actually wrote! That was yesterday, and today I am primed and ready to make some sort of entry into it as well. My goal is to document a part of me each day in some way. To simply express. I have an surplus of pages, so I do not need to worry about running out of space anytime soon. I think that I need to do something to hold myself accountable though. Possibly jump on here each week or so and announce if I have done what I was intending to do :).
One of my main goals as of late is to make sure to try to stay in touch with myself. I guess mainly keep my heart and brain in contact with each other. I do have a terrible tendency to box my heart up, and put it on mute, and think with only my mind. My heart then aches and whispers late at night causing inner conflict. I want to be able to use both, to think and to feel. To use them together, which is much better than one or the other alone :). 1 day ago