visit my grandparents more often

Yesterday morning I phoned my brother and he told me that Grandpa wasn’t doing so good. He’s been home for a week now after the amputation and according to my brother he’s very quiet, not talking or even playing with my little niece (something he loves doing). In my brother’s own words, he’s basically come home now to wait for death – with Grandma planning his funeral under his nose. _{It’s too horrible for me to even write about, so I’m not going to…} I told Dr M about this in therapy yesterday and she suggested I start saying goodbye…

So this morning at 4am I got up and drove out to my mother’s place, and around 7am we went to the farm to visit Grandpa. He smiled absently when he saw me, said he was feeling better when I asked. Mom peeled him a peach and a prickly pear and he enjoyed eating these, and we sat around and chatted about nothing. He eats like a toddler now. Seeing his foot where the amputated toe used to be made me cry and I had to get out of the house quickly – luckily nobody saw me lose it. _{I got panicky and really craved a cigarette… thank goodness I didn’t have access to any :)} Grandpa seems very calm, like he’s in another world already. I didn’t get to spend any time alone with him, but I did whisper in his ear that I love him when I hugged him goodbye and he held me a little longer and said “Okay”.

_{Picture taken this morning}

They are only a few houses away, and I go there only once a week. Shame on me.

My grandpa was admitted to Steve Biko Academic Hospital the morning of Dec 24th with gangrene in his toes as a complication of diabetes. My cousin Lee, an ICU nurse at one of the private hospitals in Pretoria, visited him that evening and had a look at his chart. His kidney function wasn’t looking good at all, he was delusional and shaking badly, and very very scared. She phoned my aunt, the night nurse in charge at another major private hospital in the country, and told her that grandpa wasn’t going to make it to the New Year… So yesterday I spent the majority of my waking hours at the hospital with grandpa. He was very emotional, crying when he saw us, and whenever one of his children phoned on Mom’s phone to talk to him. He hadn’t had a shave in a few days so in the afternoon I went by with shaving cream and a razor and shaved him. It was the first ever time I’d shaved a man. I don’t think I did too bad a job… I didn’t cut him once, and he’s looking pretty good now except for a few whiskers on his chin. All this time he looked in my eyes and we chatted calmly. He looked better than the day before, I think…

Grandpa is convinced that they’ve converted his flat on my uncle’s farm into the hospital. Initially we couldn’t understand why he’d say “These days they bring the hospital to your house”, but as I spent more time with him, I got the jist of it. He told me that he had cigarettes in the bathroom, and that he went to look for them in the morning but couldn’t find them. Also that they modified the ceiling of his ward during the night – that it was amazing, the speed at which they got things done these days. How he walked through the hospital during the day but wasn’t able to find Grandma – he seemed puzzled by her absence…

I’m thankful that we were able to spend so many hours with him yesterday – because it was Christmas, the staff gave visitors free access to patients. Usually they’re very strict about visiting hours. It would have been a very long and lonely Christmas day for him otherwise… In the evening Lee and her husband and baby came by again. Grandpa played with Zoey, and the two of them laughed like little children.

I’m also thankful that the hospital was in such good shape. Seven years ago when my dad died in the old Pretoria Academic hospital, it looked like something out of a horror movie… In this country we always joke that you have a better chance of survival at home than in a state-run hospital. Let’s just say that I was pleasantly surprised at what I was yesterday.

_{Pic of Grandpa taken 3 months ago}

I had such a great visit with my grandparents yesterday. Grandma and Grandpa were actually civil to each other! I think Mom’s argument with Grandma earlier in the week (about which Gran told me immediately when I walked in the door) might have had something to do with it. They sat at the same table and had a conversation!!! And Grandpa looked at Grandma with such tenderness as she was reading to me from one of her favourite books… I was really touched.

Grandma showed me all the clothes she’s made for herself lately – some very classy stuff – and we discussed politics and my cousin’s fast decent into the dark, foreign world of the religious cult. And my other cousin’s latest failed relationship… I’m so sad that Jan and Somien aren’t together anymore… But that’s the way of these things I guess.

Grandpa watched children’s television with the sound turned off.

i went and saw them today and it was a slap in the face. :( my visiting hours need to improve quick. being “too busy” isn’t just a scapegoat; it’s almost sinful.

This morning when I walked into my grandma’s kitchen I couldn’t miss her outfit. She was wearing a pink and purple floral skirt, together with a yellow and orange blouse :D She commented on how I’d lost weight and wanted to know what I thought of Sarah Palin and the Large Hadron Collider – so sharp, even at 79… We had some tea and took a stroll around the garden. Grandma told me about the new tree she’d just planted, and how my brother nagged her about it whenever he saw her – apparently he wants it. It’s the SA tree of the year – a wild plum. Grandma is adamant that he’s not getting it :) Grandpa was upset because somebody forgot to close the gate to the sheep kraal and they managed to get into my aunt’s garden… Luckily she was out as usual so I got away before the s#it hit the fan. A good visit :)

i miss them….

Yesterday I spent the better part of the morning with my grandparents. Had great fun with my cousin Leen cutting and painting Grandma’s toenails. We discussed the books all of us were reading at the moment, the Anglo Boer War, and in the end we watched Agter Elke Man, this old Afrikaans drama series from the 80’s the public broadcaster is rerunning, and mused about the days gone by. Later my cousin Jan also came by, and the four of us had a glass of sherry and then Jan had to rub ointment on Grandpa’s back where his diabetes is making him itch a lot.

Grandpa doesn’t say much these days. The only talking he seems to engage in is with my little niece, his great-grandchild. She always laughes at everything he says. Much the same way he smiles at everything we say…

I’ve established a pattern now where I visit my grandparents on their farm once a month. I saw them again this morning, and grandma gave me this great idea for “pots” to plant stuff in – old gas cylinders she has one of my uncle’s helpers grind the tops off and drill holes in the bottom. I’ve ordered 5 “pots” to pick up in three weeks’ time when I’ll see them again. We also had a great discussion about Toorberg, which I read recently, and I got her blood pumping with talk of emigrating to Chili (which I’ll never do…) and marrying a wild man from the jungle (which I might consider…). My grandmother always bought me books for my birthdays, and I believe my love of reading, books, news and geography all come directly from her. She’s extremely smart, well clued-up on what’s going on in the world, and the ideal person to have an intelligent discussion with about ANYTHING.

I think this is well worth doing, and I’ll keep on posting entries on this goal, but I think I can mark this as done. I’m very grateful for adopting this goal, otherwise I might never have made the effort to see them on a more regular basis… which would have been a pity, because grandma is still very sharp of mind, she loves her garden, and was very happy when I handed her the copy of Doctor Zhivago I got her from my local 2nd-hand bookshop :)

I have been kicking myself about this for several years. When I was little, I used to be at my grandparents house monthly, if not weekly. Then I went to college 8 hours away and for several years I only got to see them on Christmas. Now I live about an hour and a half away, and I can’t seem to make time in my schedule to visit them. I have to accept the fact that they are getting older and my grandfather’s health is starting to go downhill. I have visited twice this year, which is good, but I would like to be able to get down there at least once every other month for a weekend, if not more.