poke a badger with a spoon

I would want to see what happened, with of course body armor or something else to protect me.

I had the honour of poking a badger with a spoon at Belfast Pride last week – and it turned into the best night of my life!

It all started when my mates friend pointed said “Look – there’s a badger with a spoon”. Of course I turned to look at this most miraculous of spectacles, but alas, the badger must have darted quickly from sight. I turned back to my fellow pridester only to find he had disappeared without a trace. Suspecting alien abduction I realised the badger must have been key to this whole situation so vowed that I would seek him out.

For hours I rambled the rainbow coloured streets of my home town, questioning tiara wearing men and cowboy outfit donning women all to no avail. Suddenly, just outside the Kremlin, an individual in a gimp suit grunted at me. At first I thought he was merely staying in character, but when I unzipped the mask I realised it actually was Iris Robinson in disguise! She whispered softy to me “The badger is upstairs – but proceed with caution – there be queers nearby”. I nodded my thanks, zipped her back up and handed her dog lead to a nearby lesbian before making my way upstairs.

The heat was unbearable as I wandered the club in desperation. I was just about to give up my quest when suddenly the crowd seemed to part across the dancefloor and there, sitting atop Titty Von Tramps head, a badger was revealed. He sat, staring straight at me, grinning a sadistic grin with a spoon hanging from the corner of his mouth, reflecting light like a glorious disco ball.

I started to push my way through the sweaty shirtless mass of bodies. As I got closer I started to build up speed. Tittys’ platforms meant she was 7 foot tall tonight and I needed to be work up a momentum to be able to jump high enough to reach my goal. I launched myself into the air, arms outstretched aiming straight for the badger. The terror in his eyes was matched only by Titty who was wondering who this strange man was that was flying towards her.

Suddenly, I was rugby tackled from my behind by a big, burly bouncer. As I felt his muscular arms wrap around me I realised the bouncer hadn’t worked out his angles very well and the two of us continued forward with increased momentum and crashed into an already unstable Titty sending the three of us tumbling to the floor along with a number of innocent bystanders . Single-minded as I am, I reached for the badger, but in the ensuing chaos I missed him and instead grabbed the spoon. He scuttled into the corner and his eyes bored into mine as I was carried out of the club by four bouncers, all the while Titty revolving between screaming at me and sobbing at her ruined wig and me carrying my spoon trophy.

I walked home a happy man that night…not only had I experienced all that Pride had to offer, but I had robbed a badger of his spoon.

Now if I could only figure out where the aliens had taken my friend…

i do this way too often, but i like it too much too remove from my list :)

I tried it one time. I don’t suggest that anyone do this. The badger ate the spoon, bit me in the ass, and then chased me around the house. I was running around, screaming like a little girl.

It was very sad. Next time I will use a fork.