Become a better listener: By repeating what I've just heard

Sigh. I don’t feel like I’ve made very good progress on this goal. Possibly because it’s too vague and immeasurable.

Thing is, when I review my 43things, I say “Oh yeah and remember to be a good listener!” But then in the heat of the moment… when being a good listener would actually help… I forget.

I need some kind of method. I found this list online:

1. Work On Your Body Language
Maintain eye contact, face the person, lean closer

2. Analyze the Speakers Body Language
Be aware of the other persons body language, empathize with them

3. Don’t Interupt
T has really had to drill this one into my head. I am terrible about interupting him. But, I think I am getting better… slowly.

4. Encourage Others to Speak
Using affirming gestures or phrases to show you are paying attention.

5. Mirror
Rephrase what you’ve heard to show you’ve understood. I’ve had mixed results with Mirroring… will need to use this tactic judiciously.

6. Avoid Arguments
I don’t like the way this one is phrased… but I think the point of it is not to pick fights or if you can see a conversation leading to a fight and producing no results, avoid going down that path.

7. Notice the Little Things
The message under this “rule” was kind of lost on me. Their rationale didn’t add up. Since I’m detail oriented, this one shouldn’t be too hard for me.

8. Don’t Try to Solve Other People’s Problems
Another big one for me. STOP GIVING ADVICE! I want to train myself to listen just for the sake of understanding… not so that I can reply with my take on things.

9. Don’t Judge
These rules stated, “If someone isn’t honest with you… it’s probably because they feel you are going to judge them and make them feel inadequate”. That makes a lot of sense.

10. Be Honest

These all seem like good rules. But still, they don’t give me a framework in which I can track my progress. I’m going to have to brainstorm on this. I really really want to improve on this. I know that it will make a huge difference in my life. But how does one practice listening?

Suggestions welcome… assuming I’ve got any subscribers still following along after long absences…

This is my new mantra. I’ve been repeating it to myself often. Originally, this goal was just about not talking to much when I am nervous. I talk so that I can control the situation and therefore know what to expect. (After lots of self reflection…turns out I’m a bit of a control freak.)

But now I’m trying to use listening as a better way to interact with people as well as getting to know them.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” is quoted in by 7 Habits of Highly effective People (which I STILL haven’t read yet) and Susan Abrams “The New Success Rules for Women”.

I’ve read a few books recently that deal with being better at communicating. One that pointed out some good pointers on one of my other goals: become better at small talk.

Also, I joined a womens group that meets twice a week that I think will help me work on some of my communication blockages. Because lately I’ve become wayyy to “heady” as I call it. Just caught up in my own thoughts and very dreamy. I need to pull myself back into the real world.

So, I am happy to report that I am making concerted efforts to improve on both “becoming a better listener” and “becoming better at small talk”.

I’ve been learning a lot about people by trying to be a good listener. I’ve found the key. Ask questions, listen to the answers, and ask relevant follow up questions. One question that is really great is “and what do you think about that”. That one will always get you some great responses.

It makes people feel special when you are interested in them. And you learn so much!

However, this is always going to be a challenge for me because as soon as someone tells me something my mind automatically goes into overdrive trying to relate it to my own life to find common ground. I’m always associating everything back to some other experience.

I just gotta keep telling myself listen more, speak less, listen more, speak less!

I’ve been letting a lot of my friends know that I am working on becoming a better listener. I think that letting them in on this will hold me to be more accountable. I also hope it encourages them to speak from freely and at greater lengths with me.

I have to admit, that any time a conversation starts to center around me…I feel guilty. As if I am using it in a way to puff my ego. Could this be true or is it that I am just paranoid?

I had two instances of being a good listener yesterday. The first was with my brother. Through our conversation I felt like I was being a partcipant as well as listening. I was asking him questions and truly listening to the answers he gave me. Truth be told, it has been one of my favorite conversations that I’ve had in the last month.

The other was a friend who came home from a big date and was discussing it. We are just getting to know eachother so I did my best to hold back and let her work her way through the conversation and just appreciated the fact that by her talking she was giving me a gift of trust. It was nice to just listen to someone and accept that gift.

A friend of a friend just went and spent a couple of weeks in a country that I lived in for a few months. I knew that it would be really easy for me to dominate the conversationn and talk about my experiences but I did my best to ask questions and thoughtfully listen to her answers. Since she just returned I thought that it was only fair that the conversation center around her and her experiences. I don’t know that I was 100% successful, but I tried!