stick to the schedule

ok the day came to an end in a less than unbareable way.
i miss my psychological analysis sessions.
i’m lonely
i miss my friend & i wish he would treat me somehow like i treat him
i’m really lonely
i’m afraid i was adopted from a martian orphanage bc it seems so clear that no-one ever gets me.
at all.

ok so today’s schedule is pretty fucked up already, i have a class in an hour and i have to fix myself a healthy meal before i go, so that leaves no more time in my day, except for maybe 3 hours (more or less) after the class which ends at 9pm, i hope this day ends nicely somehow…. maybe i could, instead of doing duties after class, go shopping so i could feel kinda happy, but duties are more trustable on delivering temporary content, which is never guaranteed in any case whatsoever. i’ll be doing my best “for reasons i don’t quite understand”.

ok,
so my friend is leaving town and now i’m on my own, so NOW i will hopefully have less distractions, except for THE MISSING $100 which i’m in DIRE need for.
so here’s a plan to maybe hopefully find them:
1. search the dining room
2. search the living room
3. search this room
4. search the blue room
5. search the white room
6. search the rats’ room
7. search the kitchen
8. search the bathrooms
9. search my books
10. search my clothes
11. search my bags
12. search on the floor everywhere
13. fuck myself the moment i dared to feel happy about this appartment, the schedule, the people i’ve met or THIS LIFE
14. go to class
15. fucking cry myself to sleep

ok i’m starting today now (glump)

today wasn’t that bad at all, PERIOD.

tomorrow, i want to stick to the schedule. if i do, the reward will definitely be adequate.

ONE DAY

ONE WHOLE DAY

i hav to go home for 24 hours on monday morning so i suppose that will fuck up my morale a biggle bit,
but i should do relatively well if i keep myself aware of that.
i’m not sure really but according to my memory, i haven’t stuck to schedule since i was 15… now i’m 20, does that mean i’ve just had a kind of a good day? i do remember feeling happy once, it was for reasons that turned out not to exist in the first place but at least i had the chance to know what happy was, and it wasn’t me today… but i guess i “did well” today, not that i believe it’ll count for ANYTHING

ok now 5 hours & counting…
the schedule says i have 1 hour to have lunch now, problem is that i’m on a fruit cocktail diet and i don’t have any…. wait, i found this fruit cocktail place in my hood just behing my bldg, maybe? but i also have to shower…. but then again my friend probably has an exam tomorrow or sth & that’s probly why he still hasn’t called me, so i just might have enough time to shower all evening…. joy, o joy
anyways with the cocktail place’s help i just might have enough time to shower… or will i? anyways i shouldn’t forger to finally buy some shampoo after i have the cocktail lunch.
5 hours…. yippie

ok today marks the first progress!
so far i’ve stuck to the schedule for 4 hours, but now the schedule says it’s time for walking/working out, but now everything is threatened beacuse i’m very nauseous, my throat is sore & my head feels heavy… idk i think maybe a few drops of lemon juice, some salt & a mentolyptus halls will change things…. maybe some stomach pill too, i don’t know what to do really.
i really need to stick to the schedule but i feel like i have a sunstroke, now i always had this feeling whenever i had duties so maybe this time it’s psychological too… i expect some asthma attack as well if that’s the case, but at least i know that i should just fight it back and stick to the schedule.

today, for the 1st time in 3 years, i jumped into a swimming pool, i didn’t realize how long it’s been since i’ve last done it until i got into the water, it was kinda hard to believe as i still automatically think of myself as person hardly separable from the pool, i don’t know what my feeling was, but now i have the dead sea salty burning feeling in my eyes & can’t keep my eyes open, so after the biggest touristic experience of my whole life, i’m afraid i feel super guilty about my desire to go to sleep and rest my tired body & burning eyes… but still i have a voice in my head saying u can stay awake & do all the tasks, but i really physically feel tired, maybe this means i’m a little more motivated than usual but afraid that if i go to sleep then i’ll just wake up with the most horrible depression instead, i think that shoudln’t happen…. i mean after all i live on my own aand i shud be able to take such a silly decision to just go to bed & wake up on time for the 1st time ever, why do i feel guilty? is it all the money i spent on the dead sea weekend? it was truly relatively cheap, is it because my mom sounded like i was getting her bankrupt when i said i might not find the public beach open which i did & didnt hav 2 pay too much? is it possibly just me torturing myself cuz im afraid i’ll never be as happy as the other socially-healthy looking girls i saw at the pool so i’m getting myself busy with other worries that r not what really scares me? that im not afraid of my mom going broke as much as im scared of finding her depressed which will imidiately remind me of how i hav absolutely no faith in the world? that im afraid im just getting myself in another tight spot to distract me from the fact that i promised myself a better life after these 3 months so i can go back to living behind the carrot instead of not settling in for a life that tortures me… i guess right now i might just count the money i hav 2 better know just how tight the spot is, and maybe also calculate my invoice to my part-time & send it to get some backup… maybe that’s just what i feel i can almost achieve wityn my current energy – gnight