chakra it up/ three sieves/ bless the water I ingest

1. What are you most afraid of?

being alone. pain. being tortured. being alive, but separated from Jacob and my kids. Jacob dying. being the reason my marriage fails. waking up one day and realizing I wasted my life. having my kids grow up to hate me. never making anything of myself/never achieving my potential.

2. What do you blame yourself for?

all the trouble in my marriage. Jacob hating me. Hanna being Hanna, bossing, being rude, freaking out. Kaleb being ‘difficult’, stressed out. our lack of $$. Hanna not knowing much stuff. my debt. other people not liking me. my parents hating me. my failure in my business.

3. What are your greatest disappointments in yourself?

that whole weekend. the seduction. every time I give in and have the sex that makes me hate myself. my difficulty changing, how I still haven’t managed it. hitting Jacob, the 1rst, 3rd, and 4th times. Nori. the whole Kaleb situation, how I should have known more, and done better. that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, and save myself all the drama, and loss.

4. Lay your grief all around you…

?

5. what are the lies you tell yourself?

that what jacob does or did is in anyway more hurtful than what I did or do. that the things I do will not come back to me, do not have consequences. that my children will forgive me, not be harmed by me. that i have lots of time to change. that I am not capable of changing. that I don’t need to behave a certain way.

6. what are the illusions of your world?

that I have few or no options. that I need money. that I can’t find work, or shouldn’t, or should. that sexy is special. that beautiful is special. that these things are important. that anything but being happy and making others happy is important.

7. what binds you to this world?

Hanna. Kaleb. Walden. Jacob. fear. desire for recognition.

I have effectively re-instated an awareness of death. So, I’m taking that bit out of the title… okay? alright!

I’ve started reading the Tibetan book of living and dying, and yes, that’s the title.

Jacob
Hanna
Kaleb
Walden
Myself

everything not connected
my inadequacy and unworthyness
(no self esteem)
that everyone is out to hurt me, hates me, thinks badly of me
that I must be sexy to be loved
that people would be better off without me

um…

that I’m stupid
ugly
that I don’t do things on purpose (?)
that I’m not going to die today
that I want to die
that I hate myself
that I’m not good enough
that I can’t succeed

I wish I’d known grandma rita
I wish I knew what andrew was up to, mostly out of habit i think
I miss grandpa
I wish I could remember more of uncas

the way I’ve treated Jacob
the way I’ve treated my kids
the way I treated so many other people
that I have regressed so far from what I wanted to be, and almost was
that I am still so awful, and hateful
that Hanna fell, and then we went bike riding
that I had all those people over to dons,
that I got caught with andrew
that I made my mother go all over hell for him
that I told her she wasn’t my mother
that I haven’t been writing all this time
that I took Kaleb to the jaundice thing
that I started leaving walden at 2 weeks
that I’m still not really vegan
that I got that close foy
noriega
sleeping on the street, getting caught
all the million other stupid things I’ve done

Kaleb being a… difficult, child.
Hanna being starved for attention
my marriage failing
so many people being unhappy (who?)
Jacob being unhappy
my parents hating me
heather thinking I hate her
people not liking me/ thinking badly of me
how messy my house is
walden’s attachment and consequent disorder

I am afraid of being alone.
of dying
of being in pain
of losing the people I love.