not cry so easily

Looking up works so well. Honestly. If I feel tears coming on, and I need to stop them. Looking up holds them back.

I haven’t cried getting into fights with my family. Which is big. Not that I do as much as I used to. But I mean at all. Lately. Which is good.

I’m going to mark this as done.

I’m doing pretty damn good at this.
It still comes on, but like, not as bad?
And I did fantastic job at the whole looking up thing when I REALLY wanted to one night.

Oh my goodness, I cry pretty easily!
It’s bad.
For the past, I have definitely cried alot. I’ve been prone to breakdowns, crying for no reason none stop. I honestly can’t tell you how many I’ve had, way too many. And then the ones for reasons haven’t been much better. Sometimes the reasons were valid, like being broken up with, but It could also happen if someone said one bad thing to me, about me.

I’m in a better state now, so thankfully I can say that those random breakdowns don’t happen.

Sometimes, though, I do find myself with watery eyes when I clearly shouldn’t. Examples;
At work, a woman asked where a walmart was. I told her it was down the street. I tried to explain where it was, telling her to take a left and I had to pause to think what side it’d be on. Another guy I worked with heard, and anwsered that yes, there was one right down Main Street in the town over. So, I don’t know. I felt like he was upstaging me maybe? Perhaps because it’s my town, not his. He lives in the town where the store is. Or maybe, because she asked me, and I felt like he didn’t have the right to anwser, or he thought I wasn’t that smart? Clearly I was over thinking this, but, after he said that, she nodded and left, and tears started forming, and my face started turning red like it does. And I just had to walk away as fast as I could to another area and just breath and think of something else. And how I couldn’t believe something this stupid was bothering me!

Then, another time. In school. A while back, near the start of the year. This kid Dennis had a thing for my friend Courtney. So, he’d always be throwing things over at us. It’s fine, I know that’s how they are. She just throws things back. But, he throws it, it hits me, and my eyes get watery! I was like, oh god! [In 9th grade, similar thing happened. Guys were throwing something around,a granola bar I think, it hit me. I’ll assume, looking back now, it was accidental. I’d hope so! I’m not too sure what I thought, though. I was a mess then anyways. So I left the room almsot crying, arrivaing in gudiance in tears I’m sure.] I knew he was throwing it in fun, not to be mean, but still, I got teary eyed.

At work, when all the other girls get to talking about how they should hang out, I got a bit teary eyed too. Which is kinda silly, since I don’t make alot of effort to talk to them. I really don’t know how, but that’d be another goal. So, I just had to breath and walk away again.

I’m getting a bit better. Definitley better than before. I’ve learned some tricks like breathing, and looking up. But, I still need work.

i can put this in my “i have done this” pile now. should i be happy?

I cry at the slightest frustration too. I am also depressed. They go well together, like salt and pepper. I have been told it is a condition referred to as dysthymia (I am not the best speller so it is something like that). I always have cried more that others. In kindergarten my teacher repeatedly sent me to the nurse’s office, requesting that I be sent home because I had pink eye. Nope, sorry lady, Not true. I hope this changes some day because it really makes me uncomfortable around others.

my boss (and FRIEND) of ten years left the company two days ago. it was a good thing that i was out of town on the day he flew out. but he called me yesterday. to say bye-bye. he said he called because he said he wanted to tell me bye-bye himself.

and that is why he is my friend.

and i cried.

but i do not feel bad about about this particular cry.

it was a good, sad cry.

i can feel myself becoming stronger, less emotional.

i just hope i do not become insensitive.

i am becoming good at this!

i have had a number of “crying moments” at work and at home recently and yet, and YET, not once did i cry. i am so proud of myself!