Discover WHO I truly am

but I do think that maybe I have found something in my life I have been missing for a while – PASSION for life…and passion for living…Trying to live life one day at a time, some days hurt more then others…

and that’s sad – but it is how I feel right now. Right now I am truly DEPRESSED…and I have been for years…I don’t get why but I’m seriously thinking that maybe I need help dealing with this because I can’t on my own. If I think – I cry but if I don’t think – I make mistakes…its a no win solution.

Well now I’m a single 29 year old…well not single yet – still married but only in the sense of the word…Last night I ended my marriage – soon I’ll get divorced but I’m proud because I actually walked away…I can’t live in a marriage where the man is obviously not in love with me – I’m a good woman and I deserve someone who can see that and fall in love with that person.

Not much happier then I was last time I wrote this. I still have the same attitude about my husband. I so badly want him to love me and be in love with me…I want to feel as if I’m worth something…but yet he doesn’t. He is here because of his marriage vows, and the kids…not because he is in love with me. Hearing him not deny that breaks my heart in two and makes me wonder why 9 years ago I didn’t see that he just isn’t capable of the type of love I need. So what now? Married 7 years – 3 little ones…I just don’t want to wake up one day and he asks me for a divorce because he found the woman he could be in love with…but I also don’t want to continue trying to make him love me. It’s it too much to ask for – I just want him to see me as amazing and worth his time and energy.

Been a bad few years – been a bad lifetime but I want to dust myself and keep going. I’m still married – and I still feel as if most of the time its a loveless marriage with a guy who wants to change me…but I try to look on the bright side – I have 3 healthy kids and a family that loves me unconditionally…

Have you ever woke up in the morning and didn’t like the person staring back at you from the mirror? I mean all in all I know that I am a good person , I’m not judgmental – I like people and love animals and kids. BUT…I’m not happy with who I am. It’s strange but I know that I have a bad anger management problem, I resent a lot of people in my life, the littlest things can set me off. I cry non-stop, and what I’m not sure. I always think about finding old friends, making new ones, furthering my education, writing fantasy novels, talking online to people, etc….anything so I don’t have to think about what is truly making me not happy. So why am I not happy? I can’t answer that question either – maybe it is the lack of the love in my life. I am married with 3 kids, but I feel alone all the time. It is as if I have to fight to be noticed in my house. Maybe I am living in a dream world, where my husband is suppose to be my best friend – and I’m not suppose to have to “make” him love me…