realize that God made me this way on purpose

I just realized… My breakthrough about how to deal with piles of stuff, and learning how to prioritize boxes of stuff (that really ought to get put away) is doing just this! If God made me this way on purpose, then it is no surprise to HIM that I am a lousy housekeeper. He put those aspects of my personality there. Finding ways not to let those personality aspects stop me from having a functional life is what this goal is all about.

I have been created this way on purpose. I yam wot I yam.

Maybe part of the purpose of my existance is to find ways not to deny or eliminate the challenges in my life, but to find ways to compensate for them. That way, others who face similar challenges may be able to navigate through their lives more successfully too!

Yesterday I got a call from my Social Security worker. It seems I am now eligible to recieve SSI funds, because I’ve been diagnosed with the following:
-Severe migraines
-Asperger’s Syndrome
-Bipolar Disorder
-Borderline Personality Disorder

I feel so crappy about all that. It feels like nails in my coffin. It’s telling me I’ll never be normal, and I’ll never have any real friends, because nobody would ever want to be involved with someone as screwed-up as I am.

The good news is that with SSI money maybe I’ll be able to get the therapy I need, which just might help me integrate better into society. Maybe if I try really hard I could be able to hold a job again. Maybe I will learn someday how to behave as if I am normal, even if I’m not, exactly.

The thing I keep telling myself is that I know I am a good person. I know I am generous, and kind, and intelligent, and pretty, and well-dressed, and funny, and really quite hard working (within the framework of the stuff I can do). I have a lot of potential. I don’t believe that my life is really over. I know I’ve contributed lots to my church, my family, my friends, and even various strangers. I know people have said to me that they are glad they met me, and feel like I made a difference in their lives. Just because I’m a wierdo platypus joke of a human being doesn’t mean I have no place in this world. Everyone needs a good laugh. Even God.

Allow yourself to be who are.

God’s love is wonderful and everyday is a new discovery of who I am in Him.

okay. Let’s think about this logically.

Whether or not I have Asperger’s, some things are true about me. I do tend to get obsessively interested in whatever topic catches my fancy. A year ago it was comedian Eddie Izzard. Then it was the critters in the science lab. A few months ago it was the garden. Then it was crochet (which I’m almost over being interested in). So I am a serial obsessive, but I have a variety of interests. The good thing about this is that I do become rather an expert in a variety of different subjects. The creepy thing about this is that other people may not be interested in the same things I’m thinking about, so being an expert on how to shake hands with a tarantula may not appeal to most folks.

So I guess there’s good and bad in anything, if you look.

God obviously has a sense of humor.

My doctor said at my last vist that I might have Asperger’s syndrome. It’s like autism, only not so severe. I can see why she’d say that, but I doubt it’s true. Though I am socially awkward and have trouble looking people in the eye, I am not the least bit clumsy, nor do I focus all my fascination on one topic. I think I’m a lot like Temperance Brennan, of the TV show Bones. She is smart, yet has trouble relating to normal people around her. Her friends realize that her mind works rather over-literally.

My doctor suggested that I need to forgive my parents for the mistakes they made raising me. I had a problem understanding why I should. They hurt me a lot, and never apologized or said they were wrong. Not once, EVER, for ANYTHING. They never said they loved me, and they taught me to hate myself, as well as to be a religious bigot.

I’ve overcome a lot of what they taught me. I’m not religious anymore (at least not their way) and I’m not a bigot. I’ve learned to admire myself for certain things. I tell my kids every day that I love them, and I frequently apologize to them for making mistakes. I have done what I can to make the best of my life. I don’t see why forgiveness has anything to do with it.

Forgiveness, as I understand it, has to do with telling someone that you don’t hold stuff against them. I absolutely do hold stuff against my folks, because they are still the same way. I don’t want that in my life, nor do I want it hurting my kids. I wonder if maybe the doctor doesn’t know the difference between the words “forgiveness” and “acceptance”. I accept the truth about my folks, and don’t fuss about it much on a daily basis. I use my judgement, however, not to erase the memories of past hurts if there has been no remorse or repentance. To me that says they are still a danger. Forgiveness of someone who is still dangerous is inappropriate.

Letting go of expectations that they will be different was enough of a challenge in itself. Maybe that’s what she thinks the word “forgiveness” means. But no, I don’t forgive them. If they asked, and said they’d finally come to realize what they did wrong and wished they’d done better, I would be happy to forgive them. But since that’s not likely to happen, I don’t waste time hoping for it.

It’s easy to hate myself (or at least think hateful things) because I fall short of my goals. It’s easy to think that I am a disappointment in general, or even a failure.

But as weird as I am, I must be fulfilling some unique purpose. God, if he exists as an all-knowing, all-powerful being would not concoct a soup of this strange complexity for no reason.

There are lots of things I’m crappy at, that most people do easily. But there are lots of ways in which I’m uniquely gifted, and most people wouldn’t have an inkling how to handle things my way. I’m proud of who I am.

If my best friend had certain failings and certain blessings, I sure as hell wouldn’t keep on bringing up only her shortcomings. I would praise her and thank her for the cool, special things she does.

I’m going to treat myself like I would my best friend. If I wouldn’t say it to her, I won’t say it to me. Encouragement, yes. Viscious criticism, no.

This journey is amazing, I am learning so much about myself and God and His wonders in this Universe. All the traits I have serve me and I know being this way will heal a lot people emotionally. Start honoring who you are in this world, you will learn that you are truly devine and magnificent.