realize that I can not change the way others behave or feel

So why do I keep trying? and how many people might be actually falling in love with me that I might not even be noticing because I’m so busy – falling for the wrong ones. I wish things were different – that is all I can say. I wish that you could choose who you fall in love with and who you don’t – that would make things so much more simple.

It took me thinking I had no one to realize how many people I truly have…I can’t make anyone love me – I can’t just “wish” they had those feelings for me…
I tried so hard to be Tim’s friend – but I don’t need his friendship now – I have a lot of friends now…it took me getting out of my shell but yeah – I did it. I just wish I didn’t see him going under. He has entered the dating world – and he is failing miserably at it…complaining that there are no decent women out there – he had one. He had a woman that would of done anything for him…had he been able to love her the way she deserved. But he couldn’t – cause I couldn’t change the way he felt about me…I couldn’t live with the fact that I needed to feel amazing and worthwhile and he didn’t bring that out in me…I still wish for him only happiness.

I’m done trying to be friends with someone who 1 – had 9 years to love me and didn’t and 2 – can’t be friends with me now even because he judges me for my actions while we are still not even together. Friends listen and don’t judge…and he is so angry right now, he can’t do that…so I am done. He hates me and it hurts him to be around me so…yeah the only time I will be there around him is as the kids mother.

My new motto to live with – the funny thing is its also the motto of both of my two closest friends…lol…and I didn’t know it until I said it to them and they were like “hey that’s my line…” too funny :)

“I want you to do what makes YOU happy” – “If you and Tim can get back together and being happy…great”—It won’t happen that way BUT…good luck to you. I do not get it. SURE they all have a right to their opinions but what about mine…what about what I want…what about what my babies want? Hm…do I know without a shadow of a doubt my marriage is over – NO I don’t…do I know that it probably is – YES, I’m not stupid…I just don’t want to have to think about what it is or isn’t right now. Tim isn’t pressuring me – but now my mom is. Saying I’m playing games by going out with Tim as friends…am I? but on the other hand – “do whatever it takes to make you happy day by day” I had a good day YESTERDAY – was I with him, yes…did we discuss our relationship – NO…we were with friends…we came home and that was it. I’m so freaking confused – I just wish I could crawl under a rock and forget how to feel ANYTHING – not guilt, not indecision, and not the undying need to make everyone else happy. I don’t want to hurt my mom, Tim, ANYONE – I just don’t get it anymore.

The sad sad truth – I just wish I knew it 9 years ago…would I have taken this same road???

I want so badly for everyone in this life to get a long. I want my mom and husband to stop fighting, my brother and husband to stop fighting, me and Tim to stop fighting…I just so badly want the tension in this house to dissipate. But I can’t fix them, and I can’t fix these situations. They are what they are…the only person I can fix is myself and how much I care about them. Why don’t they want to get along? I accept people – yes…for their faults..I don’t neccessarily want to change people…I just want everyone to get along.

He can’t accept me. I have to wonder what’s so bad about me that he can’t accept. He has lived a different life then I have, but I didn’t think that in the end it would be the end of our marriage. I just wish that he could be proud of me when I make the Dean’s list at school. I wish that he could try to support me making friends. Instead everything is a threat to him – and that is sad. I accept that he is this way, I just can’t accept the fact its make it or break it time. Do I accept his way of life, and in turn sacrifice mine…or is this where we part ways.