learn to be bold and strong

No, I don’t want to make my decisions from a part of me that is frightened, but I simply don’t know how to do otherwise.
What I do see now is my need to stop soaking up other people’s beliefs. This puts me in a bit of a quandary tho, if I hold back my affirmations/confirmations, how will they like me then? But maybe it was false then. If I am not defined enough and refrain from agreeing with the other when I’m not sure, who are they talking to? I fear my disguise will more readily fall and with that the sympathy and distance will return.
I really need to ask myself in these moments, what I really feel instead of will they not like me if I choose to disagree.
People ask me how I am, I don’t know what to say to them, people I would like to be friends with. I feel so lost and alone, if I let other’s know how profound it is, I’m pretty sure they would run outta that room.
Maybe I need to stop moaning about my flaws and actually do something constructive about them. If I continue to blog with no action, nothing will happen ever! So, if I resolve to pursue my passions, definition will come from that, naturally.
Note to self: for one month, pursue passion.

“Because of its tiny wings and heavy body, aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly. But the bumblebee doesn’t know that, so it flies anyway.”
- Mary Kay Ash

what i want to know is why I resist being either bold or strong. I resist it with a strength that i am unaware I have. My journals are full of my annoyingly meek behaviour and how I can never seem to find the strength in me to stand up for myself or in myself. Yet, my ability to resist growing into strength has a tenacity and spirit that plagues my sleep and haunts my days.
Everyone seeks acceptance on some level, but when it’s at the point when you are looking to others to define who you are, even when you are alone, a boundary has been crossed on my part. I feel bounded by the whims and likes/dislikes of the other that is in my path at that time. It is a choice I have made to make myself feel loved by them, I become whatever it is that they want. Me, I feel so pliable, sometimes I struggle to draw a line in who they are and who I am. In low times I have blamed them for idontknowwhat, but it has always been my selfish need to feel loved that has allowed me to behave like this, creating problems for them and me. They have only been themselves, seeking someone similar, I find the key points and impersonate. How does this lead to growth for me? It just serves to sever me from myself further. I have blamed them for not sticking to my created plan, made from observing and calculating future actions, to ensure that they will never leave and always love me…because I have become their calculated ‘dream woman’. Where am I in this?
I really really want to connect to me and I’m the only person stopping me. I’m so frustrated with myself.
Do I want my decisions to be made from a part of me that is frightened?
what would i do if i were compassionate and wise?