i am on my way by recognizing my emotional reactions as such and not identifying with them.
despite my mind coming to terms with getting verbally assaulted a couple of weeks ago, i’ve been walking around with a sore heart. i notice immediately when i take even little things personally. i know better now, but it is still difficult to keep the emotions from rising.
i have noticed that these emotional reactions are often driven by far more than the triggering event. the bulk of the weight seems to be from past grievances, disappointments, and patterns.
for example, i had plans to meet a friend at a particular time, but he kept me waiting for him for 45 minutes! without calling. with exams looming, my time is extremely precious to me. i felt disrespected. my irritation ballooned when i thought that he might have done this to get me back for times i was late. so, not only did he have to bear the weight of all those times i felt overlooked and not taken seriously, but he also had to bear the emotional backlash of my own guilt. (i always call, but i’m sure it irritates people regardless.)
he finally showed up and explained circumstances that were beyond his control. he apologized for not calling, but the circumstances had annoyed him also and he wanted to move on with the evening, have a good time, and leave that behind him.
i really, really wanted to just let it roll off my back. i wanted to let it go. he intended no harm, and nothing could be done about it now. but my irritation clung to me. after a few minutes i had to confess my annoyance and i asked for some chocolate to make it better. it did a little. ;) it gave my emotional baggage the little push it needed to go away.
a few days ago, the guy who yelled those mean things at me and got me focused on this quest apologized. first via text and then in person. i acknowledged it. i told him that i appreciated his apology, but that i was not quite over it. that was the best i could do at the time. my emotions around the whole thing have dissipated some. i wonder if can manage to let go of it all together.
it’s funny, i had a dream the other night that monsters came up from the basement wearing sheets. they announced themselves before coming up, however, and although i was definitely frightened at their arrival, i took it as fact and braced myself to deal with them.
that’s pretty good. i think i’m making progress.