not take things so personally

Do I sense some progress or is it just that because I’m currently hiding in my small corner of the world, the office, I don’t maneuver myself into too many situations that make me go, why me?

I may indeed have developed some thicker skin. Convinced myself that some people (employers, especially) will act weird in certain situations and that it’s really got nothing to do with me. And maybe there’s only so much I can take, having experienced real growing pains this year. I have to do what I have to do, be unapologetically me, not worry so much and, most importantly, not let myself be stopped and give in to self-doubt because I think that someone’s got a problem with me.

Where was I when all these people became friends? Busy being self-centered? But where can I allow myself to be, if not there?

And while I don’t want my space invaded by others I still take it personally when they leave. Trying to ignore it. Because the truth is… it’s got nothing to do with me.

Don’t take it personally; it’s got nothing to do with you. But carelessness never comes naturally, it always takes an effort. People seated close to me in the library stand up to go after a suspiciously short amount of time? My typing must be too noisy, that’s why. Or are they headed for lunch? They must be headed for lunch, I tell myself. I walk around and think as if I lived in a hostile world and it takes its toll on my energy, when in fact completely insignificant moments such as this should not bother me even for a nanosecond. It is NOT GOOD. It’s not a way to live. I’ve realized a long time ago there’s a need for more confidence (I’m in cognitive behavioral therapy, too), but until that kicks in, what can I do but practice, practice, practice.

I cannot believe I still do this but I do! I make EVERYTHING ABOUT ME! It’s not about me…good lord! My soul and esteem is so easily crushed, geesh! I need to toughen up!

i’m really bad for this, little things that people do or say just drive me crazy. lately I’ve been trying not to react to it because I always end up lookin like a bad guy. like a text my girfriend just sent me was very difficult to read and I told her I didn’t know what she meant. She said nevermind, a few minutes later after staring at the message I realised she left out some spaces and was using apostrophes for quotations, after I told her I understood her message she said “Good one! :P” I was pissed off that she makes me look stupid because I can’t read her poorly written message. I so wanted to say that maybe if she used spaces properly and used quote marks for quotes I would be able to read her messages, but I didn’t I’m still getting offended by stuff, but I’m not acting on it anymore. I doubt I’ll ever get over this.

lately when i feel slighted or get my feelings hurt, i manage to keep the whole thing from blowing out of proportion by remembering this goal – not to take it so personally. i acknowledge my disappointment and even allow myself to feel any anger that arises, but i make myself think of the bigger picture.

i repeat in my head, “it’s not all about me,” like a mantra until i manage open some compassion in my heart. it helps. i find i am able to consider the other person’s perspective and better recognize my contribution to the situation. the hurt is still there, of course, and often so is the anger, but it is far less volatile and all-around forgiveness comes more easily. i’m definitely more rational about the whole thing and i’m able to learn from it better.

i’ve had a small series of letdowns lately and i feel like this has been well practiced. i’m calling it done for now.

I get offended too easily if someone ignores me or slights me in some small way. I try to talk myself out of it, but the negative feelings are still there. I feel so angry and defensive, but outwardly I don’t show it. And I notice people around me don’t get nearly so upset by things. I realize improving my life will help a lot, but for now I have to change how I see things.

i think i’ve been doing fairly well with this goal. i even rose to some challenges that would have bowled me over months ago.

i deserve a gold star for this one: the beautiful, fun, inspired band that i co-founded and have played in for three years is falling apart. i’m not really sure what is going on with it, actually. long story. three of the members have taken de facto control over its fate and are steering it in a direction that pushes away two of the other members (myself included in the latter group). the other girl being pushed aside and i have been watching this mutiny unfold together and have managed to support each other through this sad turn of events. there have been plenty of opportunities for me to take things very personally, given the heart-sensitive subject matter and close friendships involved. i know though that it is not about friendship or talent. it’s about scheduling problems (i rarely can make it to practice), combined with the facts that we don’t have a committed drummer, that we have different goals and visions for the project, and that someone is going through major life changes and “acting out” in reaction to the stress of it. it’s a mess and it’s a shame and it’s sad, but it’s nothing personal. i’d rather have my band back in love with each other but if that’s not going to happen, give me a gold star for being such a sport!

I recently alerted my boss to some financial problems at our Center that were caused by unforeseen circumstances. He in turn alerted the new director of the department.

As backstory, our center is largely funded by a private donation. For the past two years, the same donor has called us at Christmastime to let us know that they have given additional gifts of $1 million each. Rather than putting the money into our account, the department held onto the money and, in fact, never advised us that the money had been given. Part of my boss’s intent in discussing our financial problems with the director was to get him to release some of this money.

The director’s response has been to tell my boss that we must cut costs. He has told my boss to fire people. In particular, he has singled out my job as one that has to go.

I am seething with anger about this. I feel actual hatred toward this director. But how is this helping me? Well, it is not. I can clearly see that this is one of those things that I need to not take so personally, and yet…actually achieving that seems nearly impossible!

i am on my way by recognizing my emotional reactions as such and not identifying with them.

despite my mind coming to terms with getting verbally assaulted a couple of weeks ago, i’ve been walking around with a sore heart. i notice immediately when i take even little things personally. i know better now, but it is still difficult to keep the emotions from rising.

i have noticed that these emotional reactions are often driven by far more than the triggering event. the bulk of the weight seems to be from past grievances, disappointments, and patterns.

for example, i had plans to meet a friend at a particular time, but he kept me waiting for him for 45 minutes! without calling. with exams looming, my time is extremely precious to me. i felt disrespected. my irritation ballooned when i thought that he might have done this to get me back for times i was late. so, not only did he have to bear the weight of all those times i felt overlooked and not taken seriously, but he also had to bear the emotional backlash of my own guilt. (i always call, but i’m sure it irritates people regardless.)

he finally showed up and explained circumstances that were beyond his control. he apologized for not calling, but the circumstances had annoyed him also and he wanted to move on with the evening, have a good time, and leave that behind him.

i really, really wanted to just let it roll off my back. i wanted to let it go. he intended no harm, and nothing could be done about it now. but my irritation clung to me. after a few minutes i had to confess my annoyance and i asked for some chocolate to make it better. it did a little. ;) it gave my emotional baggage the little push it needed to go away.

a few days ago, the guy who yelled those mean things at me and got me focused on this quest apologized. first via text and then in person. i acknowledged it. i told him that i appreciated his apology, but that i was not quite over it. that was the best i could do at the time. my emotions around the whole thing have dissipated some. i wonder if can manage to let go of it all together.

it’s funny, i had a dream the other night that monsters came up from the basement wearing sheets. they announced themselves before coming up, however, and although i was definitely frightened at their arrival, i took it as fact and braced myself to deal with them.

that’s pretty good. i think i’m making progress.