“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” – Samuel Beckett 2 years ago
I’ve been through a lot for the past 2 years (my parents divorce, my grandpa death, moving to a new town where I don’t know nearly anyone, health issues…)I’ve always considered my self a strong person, somehow I was always able to have fun and smile even with all things I’ve been throughout my life and that was mainly due to my friends support. Now that I moved to a new city, I feel lonely and it all got more complicated…Lately I came to a point I don’t recognize myself anymore, I often found myself crying and not seeing much point in life,I can’t focus on my work properly…and I’m getting tired of feeling like this…maybe I can’t go back being exactly the person I was before, but I need to find a new balance…get back up again, learn with all I’ve been through, move on and be stronger…no point in keep moaning…
So I set up a few goals:
1. Get healthy again
2. Learn to relax (and that will help me with my health issues too)
3. Focus on my work and finish my master degree
4. Find out and focus on things I like and make me happy
5. Make more friends and keep the ones I have 3 years ago
I’ve mentioned how I was finding it hard to see some meaning on being alive right now. Then yesterday something came to my mind.. I do know myself right now better than I ever did. I may feel absolutely devastated but I have the ability to respect that, instead of completely freaking out. My experience with pms has taught me that.
So what I tought is.. maybe there’s not a finish line, a perfect moment when everything makes sense. Maybe all there is is a path and I should considered myself so lucky if I can feel at peace with being myself along this path (not so simple as it may seem, I guess).
That’s not exactly what I meant to say, but I guess it will became more elaborate when I understand it better.
For now I’ll enjoy the fact that I woke up feeling better and more optimistic (probably not waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing has helped, body seems to be finally starting to get used to the meds, hopefully). 3 years ago
Just wrote an email for my dad, talking about how I’ve been feeling. About the fact that we barely speak, the fact that I feel awful about leaving my job to go back to school and feeling like I’m a burdon.
I knew I’d have to talk about it eventually, since it’s been bugging me for a while. I’ve bursted into tear while writing it, as I always do with anything regarding my relationship with my dad. Then I decided to send it to my mother too, since it also applies. My eyes are still red, but I feel much more relieved. 3 years ago
It can’t be ok if I’m debilitating anxious or feel like crying almost all the time.
I need to vent.
I don’t know what’s going on with me, I feel like I’m losing myself, like I can’t bear to be with my own company. I need constant stimulation and distraction, and the smallest thing can be a trigger to get me feeling awful.
I really need to figure this out. I miss therapy, I really do, maybe I’ll have to go back, since apparently I’m unable to handle things by myself. 3 years ago