porfavornofubar is motivated, even if the wait is a little longer.
So my current predicament is showing itself in bits and pieces (some bigger than others) of my other goals around here. Ultimately, it boils down to this one. I’m a little ashamed to say that when I finally got the fire lit under my butt to go talk to the people who could tell me just what my worst case scenario would look like, I realize that even with all of this messing up it isn’t going to turn out so bad. Well, that’s not the part I’m ashamed of – it’s that I’m no longer in a hurry because of that news.
Things are already pretty uncomfortable for me, but I’m also tired of being a rush-through-it-so-you-can-move-on-to-what-you-want kind of person. Maybe it’s because I am also the kind of person who relishes pain a little bit. Like I’m still Catholic at heart and I want to do penance for having had bad luck and then not recovering from it quickly enough. But maybe it’s because if I hurry, the thing I really want won’t really be any closer than it already is.
For me to feel the sort of fresh I feel when I usually come here, I should also mention that I have totally fallen off of the fitness wagon since I caught a cold over the weekend. I’m running a 10K Saturday morning that I will likely bomb and feel bad about later, but right now I’ll be glad to just do it and get my head out of my ass. I’m feeling mostly better and all, but again… the hurry just isn’t in me.
I used to really enjoy gloating about having left New York to discover that I was once again the kind of person who could enjoy the slowness of life. I hated that about the city. I hated that it was too fast and nothing was ever good enough. Even when you left it to ‘experience nature’ there was always this internal script going, ‘Quick! Enjoy this! Enjoy it harder... hurry, before that guy enjoys it better than you!” So maybe a little old cup of that hiding deep in me got knocked over and spilled all over my insides a while back – I didn’t notice until now. I’m cleaning it up. I’m comfortable with the discomfort. I refuse to hurry.
