be more social

Well it’s been a year since my first entry and I’m still not checking it off but I’m better since then. I am beginning to talk out more in class. I am participating more and this will definitely help with my GPA. 3 days ago

I went over to my neighbour for coffee and spent more than 1 hour there! It was really fun and we talked and talked…
I’m very relieved that I was brave enough to go over and ring on the door with no fixed date :) 4 days ago

Today I had convos with 6 people. Some bigger than others. The first 1 I iniated. It went well. The second one also but she doesn’t really understand the language well. Not that I’d negate someone based on that. The last 4 people I talked to in a more group type way.

It was in psychology class. I think I initiated it. I forgot. But I’m proud of myself because it wasn’t a one on one conversation. I spoke out in the class.I asked the class questions and they talked back to me. Most people responded well and seemed to be happy to talk. I am taking physical therapy and learned 2 of the girls I was talking to also was. It felt good to communicate with people in the program I’m trying to get into. It’s a competitive program. We had a nice length convo. This was all before class started.

Also I must admit, other than me only 5 ladies were in the room, but for me to speak out in front of five ladies is good. I will work on speaking up in class more. I sound a little quiet when I answer questions in class. I was always taught in elementary school quiet is good and loud is bad. It stuck with me but it doesn’t work at this age. 5 days ago

started year 11 at new school yesterday. met a bunch of amazing people and going to meet more :-) 5 days ago

i can start conversations mysefl…i guess am on the right way . 6 days ago

from our neighbour to come over for coffee this week.
You’d think I’d be happy, I like her and it’s always nice to see her.
Instead I’m afraid and feel threatened.
I’ll go anyway _{feeling brave}6 days ago

a tall order for an introvert :-/
but all is well, i have been more social lately and will be much more within the next week when i start at my new school :-S 1 week ago

I’d originally put this in as finding new friends, but really, it comes down to being more social. That’s HOW you get more friends.

I haven’t started this yet. I am fearful. I have learned to love my solitude and the drama-free lifestyle I enjoy. I guess I’m debating if I really want this. Still, I know that studies show that loners are less healthy and don’t live as long as those with an active social life. Additionally, I do love hanging out with a group of people whose company and conversation pleases me. It’s just been such a long time since I’ve had that. The people I’ve known in the last ten years were for the most part people I’ve befriended from work, or facebook, or even Match.com and its like. And, it has been a steady river of disappointment. The women I’ve known are invariably fractured drama queens with daddy issues and the men have ranged from one-dimensional left-brained bores to misogynistic neanderthals. It’s been quite the dry spell.

The last female friendship I had outside of work I met at the symphony. She was a professor of English, bright, funny, really funny, and single. At first, she was the answer to my prayers. As we were getting to know one another, she once told me that she changes when she gets into a relationship. One of her friends once told her that it was difficult to be her friend when she was in a relationship because she becomes myopic and obsessed with the “he.”

Well, after four months of fun evenings, shopping, movie-going, wine-drinking and deep, fulfilling get-to-know-you conversations, she found a man. Then, aliens came down and took my strong, independent, educated, funny friend and replaced her with this withering, whining, needy and totally humorless and boring woman.

From that point on, we had one conversation. “He” did this, “he” didn’t do that, “he” wasn’t home, “he” didn’t call, do I think “he” loves her, I can’t, “he’s” coming over, I hate “him,” I love “him,” endless. I would try to stear the conversation away and always it either came to “him” or she would bail because I wouldn’t indulge her. I confronted her, to no avail.

She invited me to the wedding. I didn’t RSVP or show up. I no longer knew this woman and even though she was keenly aware of what she was doing, she had no inclination to change.

I think I was burned by that. I really felt a deep connection to her and I just didn’t get enough time with her before she went crazy to endure the 180 she pulled.

Then recently, my latest work friend turned out to be virtually the same. Although I knew her to be a little more needy than the other right off the bat, she got involved in an abusive relationship recently and it has turned her life upside down. The few times we do go out, this guy texts her constantly. He mistrusts her, has physically harmed her and has said some of the most awful things to her that I simply couldn’t and wouldn’t repeat. He has no job, he moved in with and is living off of her, and did I mention that he is a recovering drug addict? He knows I don’t like him now, and I can’t even get her to stop for one drink after work. I don’t know for sure, but I believe he is the reason. She isn’t allowed to do that unless she “checks in.”

Mind you, this is another educated, very beautiful, gainfully employed, charming woman. What the heck is going on here??

So, I guess I’m skeptical that I can find a healthy, whole person, male or female, that I can bring into my life that enhances it, not complicates and sinks it. Is it possible? Are you out there? 2 weeks ago

we spent time with friends or family Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. I start volunterring this week which I hope will help me get outside my “comfort” zone… 2 weeks ago

I haven’t been as much of a recluse as I expected myself to be. It’s definitely different from when I started comm college. I talk to ‘somebody’ in every class. I haven’t went out with anybody I met though. Sometimes I don’t even want to ask because nearly everyone is a commuter. On the bright side, I asked one of the girls that transferred with me out to lunch on Monday or Tuesday next week. Hopefully it works out, for me lunch is squeezing into someplace crowded, sitting by myself, and doing homework right now. 3 weeks ago

This seems more of a necessity than something optional for me. Yet every attempt I make seems to go to hell. Over the past 2-3 years I’ve made many attempts to meet up with people from school and from the youth group that I now rarely attend but almost all of them have failed. Often I’ll arrange to meet someone/somepeople at a certain location in town, go to meet them and get a last minute text or call from them saying they can’t make it. Sometimes I don’t even get that, but gradually I’ve become more and more discouraged from making the effort. Last week I actually did and that too went to hell. I called up an old freind of mine whom I haven’t seen for months, anyway I went to the arranged place, couldn’t see him so I went home and went onto Facebook to try and find him. It turns out he had a cold so he had stayed at home and later I discovered a message on the answering machine from him (although the time is always inaccurate so I had no idea when it was from). I know it’s probably just coincidence but I can’t shake off the idea that maybe I’m not supposed to have a social life. That maybe my social fate’s either been decided or I’m a social screw up so people are avoiding me. 3 weeks ago

Reading my original entries reminds me of a time when I was not feeling like myself. It’s nice to read those old entries and realize how much I’ve changed lately. I am repairing my wings and flying again. It’s fun to have fun again. I know it sounds strange, but it feels great! :) 4 weeks ago