find the guy of my dreams

just says “hi”
completely oblivious
to the feelings I hide.

It’s cold out
the sun is now gone
I need a shoulder here
to cry on

Now it’s time for bed
need to rest my head
say goodbye to the day
that is now dead

my heart still beats
tomorrow will come
but not matter how many days pass
he still won’t be the one

but I guess it fits best here. By this point in my life, I know that I am sincerely and naturally attracted to men. I don’t try to be different, I don’t necessarily want to be different, but I find myself accepting that I am a homosexual male.

The only few acceptions come when I see a certain girl… There are some girls I like… perhaps about 2% of the girls I see (celebrities included). I’m not turned on at all by Pamela Anderson or Carrie Underwood… Most guys think that’s the tell-tale sign I’m “gay”. But I swear, I would bang Rhianna ANY DAY!

But here’s what I basically wanted to get to… I’m in college, and I am surrounded by boys in my dorm all the time. It took some practice, and it sure wasn’t too pretty at first, but I’m finally learning how to keep my eyes off of them and “turn off” my sex drive altogether so there’s no friction. This morning I noticed I’m really starting to get more comfortable in the showers. I don’t say or do stupid things that bring attention to myself… I just try to be “cool” and by now most of the guys know and accept that I’m not going to grow fangs and rape them or something. Some guys, in fact, know I’m gay and are totally cool with it. They are the ones that are the most secure with themselves… They’d literally walk by me naked after their shower and not feel at all uncomfortable.

But when it comes to dorming with my room mate, I have to admit here that it isn’t always easy for me. Seriously. I am the kind of person that respects (and tries to respect) other people’s personal space. So I work very very hard not to “eye him up” when he is changing his clothes or whatever. I would really hate if he caught me doing it and called me out on it. I would feel so awful if that happened, so generally I just look away or at the floor and things are okay.

Last night it was kind of late, and I was locked out of the room. I had to knock on the door and he was already in bed. He got up to let me in. He was in his boxer-briefs and seeing him in the doorway almost naked honestly caught me off-guard and I was sort of mesmerized. I do not think he noticed though, because he was half-asleep.

When my room mate sleeps, sometimes I just gaze at him and observe how peaceful and innocent he looks and I want to just caress his cheek or run my fingers through his hair. He is so handsome and so adorable at the same time. He works out and he’s got muscles. I am very attracted to him, that is for sure. But I know that I need to keep those feelings to myself. I try to be friendly with him and all, but generally he is more withdrawn and introverted, so we haven’t become anything more than functional acquaintances.

My thoughts generally don’t get too explicit or sexual. Honest. Most of the time I do not think about sex. But I do think about being hugged or touched, and having someone warm next to me. Romantic things like that… Plain intimacy. But still sometimes it makes me even a little bit nervous. Sometimes I seriously wonder if he can hear my thoughts! But obviously, I know he can’t. It’s just an odd feeling.

I know that a lot of people don’t understand homosexuals and what goes on in their heads. There’s plenty of people who just plain hate homosexuals. Honestly? I never want to offend… and I do everything I can to prevent people around me from feeling uncomfortable. For a long time I didn’t even shower when anybody was in there because I was so nervous I’d be a target. Now I’m learning more and more that this is just who I am and how my sexual brain is constructed and I know I have to learn how to manage it appropriately to be able to function in this mostly straight world.

I had a boyfriend for almost 6 months and he was nearly perfect but he broke up with me so i could get my life started and he didnt want to prevent me from fullfilling my goals and it hurt really bad and i am still hurt. but i still want to find the right guy and go out and date but i am scared to put my heart out on the line. I really miss him and i thought he was the one.

........nope…...not yet…....still looking…...oh where could he be? :)