develop my intuition

I skipped the gym last night, though I did do my weights at home, so I could hole up in my room with candles and a journal and write about the other night’s insomnia, which found me repeating “I dream of” with a variety of surprising endings. I haven’t basked in candle light for a long time and it was wonderful, especially with a big red mug of hot chocolate spiced with cinnamon, nutmeg and whiskey. (What? Whiskey is too a spice.) I wrote three thoughtful pages and was in a deeply relaxed, almost trancelike state.

When I laid down to sleep, I rolled onto my right side and asked the Divine Mother to let me know what I should do next. Great Celestial Chaos, be careful what you ask when facing a Virgen de Guadalupe candle! I had a series of dreams, which I’m going to list here in hopes I can make some sense of them. (Or you can, which would be easier for me, frankly. I mean, sheesh, you get a poem a day, people, do some dream work. hee!)

I’m not sure what order the dreams were in. This is my memory of the order. In the first, I was with an old wise man who had a long wild white beard. We were with several penned animals, all of which seemed dangerous, fantastic and agitated, moving them. The old man moved one animal, a catlike creature, in between what looked like an insane, black-haired lemur and a small feral pig. He shoved his leg between them to make space. I was worried for him, but he knew what to do. He wanted me to do the same, but somehow the red-eyed lemur thing got loose and took off. The old man never looked me in the eye. There were others around, but he was clearly in charge and spoke only to me. The pen, which was U-shaped was on a hill in the country. The dream faded.

Next dream, I was walking with a group of other hikers up a mountain trail. It was muddy and part-way up a large piece of machinery blocked our way. There were men trying to move it. We milled around for a bit and then one of them tried to keep going to see if we could scale the machinery or work around it. The texture of the metal was strange and I had a thought it might be alien and dangerous to touch. We were in a rain forest. The dream faded.

In the next dream, which was very detailed and realistic, my lover, who was played by a very skinny, very tattooed, fairly troubled but sexy married male friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a couple years, and I were being transported by police when a firefight broke out. The dream started in media res, with us crouched by a police car, shooting people. We killed everyone there, quite methodically. Although the bullets came out as darts with white ends, we were using real guns. At one point I went to shoot a man in a yellow tshirt near me and was out of ammo, but my lover turned and killed him. I ducked down and reloaded. Neither one of us was harmed and at the end, there were probably two dozen people dead. We realized that we would be hunted and were covered with blood. We started walking through the countryside and I suggested that we find a dairy farm, as they would have water in the barn that we could wash with before we approached or were seen by anyone. We found a barn and washed. I was calm, but my lover was cold and looked haunted. I realized we needed to make love to bring us back in sync, so we did. Throughout the whole dream, there was a wonderful sense of being part of a team, having someone who would kill or die for me and feeling the same. In real life, violence upsets me, but in the dream, it was just who we were and what we did.

That dream segued into me leaving the barn and walking along huge clods of earth that were crumbly and difficult to navigate. I was carefree and happy in the beautiful green landscape. Then it was as if the dream loop skipped back and I was walking in the same place, but I had somehow made a path along the broken up earth and could walk easily. All thoughts of my lover were gone. I was alone, walking, happy.

I’m going to post this and read it as if it’s a stranger’s entry, to see if I can get some insight as to what I’m supposed to do next, based on these strange dreams.

There were a bowl of rocks with words on them. I put my hand in to pick one and got a strong hit that one rock in particular was right for me. Turned out to be “wealth.” Kind of make sense. I think that greater money making opportunities are just around the corner for me. Also found a meteorite and had a real sense of its energy. Think maybe I need that stone to do my MCO practice with.

I first discovered metaphysical studies nine years ago, right after I got out of high school. In those first couple of years, I read lots of books by psychics such as Sylvia Browne, James Van Praagh, John Edward, and Echo Bodine. I was fascinated by their experiences and always wished it was something I could do, but I thought I wasn’t intuitive at all. I also thought that intuitive people were talented that way from a young age, and since I wasn’t that intuitive, I probably couldn’t learn it. I tried a couple of books and audio tapes for past life regression and psychic development, but they didn’t work for me because I didn’t trust what I was getting.

Well, a number of years later, I’ve realized that intuition is far more subtle than I thought initially, and I have gotten more sensitive to energies than I was before. I started getting into Reiki and felt that I would really like to offer Reiki clients some intuitive insight with each session. That in turn had me looking for psychic development classes.

So I started a six-week course here in Seattle and then found a six-month program that I’m going to start in May. I’m a couple of weeks into the six-week course with a local psychic named Shannon Faulkes. I found her by way of a text ad in Gmail for someone else’s website (which linked to a healing center she works out of), and it just so happened that she co-hosts a radio show with Echo Bodine, one of the first psychics I’ve read about. Full circle! I’m loving every class and the meditation/reading exercises I get to do every day. This is something I’ve wanted for so long and never thought I could do.

about getting food for myself and being hit on by men that amuse me. Grocery store dreams, kitchen dreams, domestic dreams.

I’ve been needlessly doubting that a settled life could be a fit container for extraordinary art. I think if I had listened to my dreams, I would have seen the light a little sooner.

All the sketching and painting that I’m doing is opening up my right brain. I can tell because I’m rendered nearly unable to speak after my daily 30 minute sketching lunch. My dreams have become very vivid and are more filled with people from my real life than ever before. There are a lot of images of women and Mr. Yes has shown up a few times. I’ve also gotten more messages that I need to make sure that I’m on solid ground and in a safe, healthy place or I will lose my creativity and ability to fly.

Since I had a lot of information already about my dented chakras, I decided to ask about something completely different. With some trepidation (and a little happiness that I had an emotion that matched such a cool word), I incubated a dream on the question, “What do I need to know about Mr. Yes and me?”

In the dream, I was standing in my parents’ house, dressed as Wonder Woman. I lived in that house from the time they brought me home from the hospital until I moved out at 18 and they still live there, so it’s a common setting for my dreams. I looked up at the rafters, which were much higher than a normal garage, and wondered if I could leap up there. In my head, I heard that wa-wa-wa-waaaaa springy sound that accompanied WW leaping or pushing jeeps off Steve or the like. I tried and could barely get my booted feet off the ground. I realized I was exhausted, so bonedeep tired I was slumping over.

I left the garage to escape from the bad guys, who I somehow knew were after me, and dragged myself across the yard. At the fence, I stopped. It was the normal fence, perhabs six feet tall. I looked at it and wondered how I could be Wonder Woman if I couldn’t imagine pulling myself over a fence. I finally managed it, using my weak arms, and fell on the ground on the other side. Somehow I was far away from the house, up a hill so that the house was far below me. The bad guys came out of the garage but couldn’t see me and went back in.

Looking over the fence, I saw four or five squirrels curled together. The fence was eye level with some trees, pine or fir. I saw a nest with four adorable ferret babies in it and a ferret parent. They were really teeny and had striped heads. Fuzzy and very cute. Watching them made me happy and I wanted to tell my sister about them. End of dream.

So, the obvious first. Trying to be Wonder Woman is exhausting me. Big surprise there. I can almost hear the shocked cybergasps. I had just enough energy to get out of my parents’ yard and away from the bad guys. The weakness in my legs seems to point again to a lack of energy in my first chakra. Once I was away/above the house, a whole world of animal warmth and affection was revealed to me. Conifers are important to me because we went camping for two weeks among the firs, pines and redwoods every summer when I was a little girl. Nothing calms, energizes and happifies me like looking up at the sky through conifer branches, especially if there are crows nearby. It’s like taking a tranquilizer. Squirrels are social animals. Ferrets are carnivores and predators who are also social and can be very affectionate.

Applying this to my relationship with Mr. Yes is the challenge. I should give up on being Wonder Woman, because my ordinary strength is enough to protect me and take me to higher ground, where I can get in touch with my affectionate animal nature. I don’t know where he fits into the dream. He’s not a bad guy and they were far away and unrecognizable, sort of template TV villains. Maybe the point is that what I need to know is how to take care of myself, as I am (FINALLY, HALLELUIA!) with a man who will take care of his own needs. I need to be the affectionate, fierce, strong enough woman I am and let Mr. Yes figure out how to be the best Mr. Yes he can be. I also need to get some distance from the past and recognize who I am now is different from who I was as a child, teen, young woman and wife.

Dream incubation is working amazingly well for me. I think it’s clear that my intuition is quite keen and ready to communicate. I hope I can learn to access it while awake.

I asked about the origin of my chakra one wound. I dreamed I was reading the classified want ads of a newspaper from the 1700s. The paper was set up kind of like an InDesign pasteboard, so I could pull certain ads apart from the others. (Hey, I’ve been doing a LOT of bulletins lately, so it makes sense my dreams are using design software.) Almost everything in the want ads was an ad about something lost. (I remember being amused at one that said “elderly gentleman has lost his pussy,” but I think that was left over from Unc’s question the other day.) One of the ads, featuring a male dandy of the time, said, “We want your David.” David means “beloved,” so this could be referring to my husband, or to my godfather (who died 18 months ago and was named Dave). I think it had to do with my husband, since the paper was from the past, a “dead” time. It was as if someone wanted to buy a David. There is a person who wants to make a movie about my husband, a movie that would portray him as a manipulative criminal. It makes me wish I had written a memoir to put my side of the story out there. I don’t want to write it, that’s too much work and pain. I just want it out there, already written. I comfort myself with the thought that this person couldn’t afford to make a movie that more than a few dozen people would see. I hope.

sigh

Overall, the sense I got from the dream was that there are some issues of loss and neglected desires that need attention. I also remember that I was looking for family members in the paper. I think the imbalance in my first chakra is directly related to the prospect of losing my dad and the stability of my parents’ home. It’s going to be a whole new world without him. I feel like I’ve always had this wall to lean against and once he’s gone and my mother is in her grief and mourning process, the wall will dissolve and I’ll be left flat on my back on the ground. If I feel this way, as the youngest child, I can’t imagine what my oldest brother feels like right now.

There’s a guideline for exploring these issues in the same supplement that mentioned incubating dreams. I think I’ll explore that. Now, onto my entry for last night’s dream. This intuition thing is RELENTLESS!

and I’m planning on taking a course in the basics of medical intuition, I thought it deserved a goal of its own. For right now, this may function mostly as a dream journal, as my intuition/inner voice speaks to me loudly in my sleep.

Last night I incubated a dream by asking how I could heal my first chakra, since my second chakra inquiries seemed to show that it needed some work. Oy. I had trouble getting to sleep. Then I had two dreams, neither of them very clear. In both of them I was talking to or observing homeless people. It was obvious that the people I was seeing or talking to were struggling to find clothes and stay clean and warm.

I woke up and groaned. I thought that I had settled my sense that I don’t have a home. Then again, I’m living in one room of a family member’s house at nearly 40 years old and I have barely any retirement funds and no car. Not exactly the situation I had anticipated. As I was driving to the post office this morning, I realized that as the youngest child in my family, with no husband or children, I do fear growing older and not having a real home. I had previously realized that my fear of clowns was really a fear of becoming a homeless old woman with clownish makeup, in ragged clothes.

So I guess I need to figure out this sense of homelessness before I plunge into the morass of chakra two. Or perhaps I need to work with the homeless and that’s how I can heal chakra one. I don’t know. I’ll ask for more info tonight. This is exhausting work, even if most of it does happen while I’m asleep!

I just want to relax and reflect on things for awhile. I used to do it a lot more when I was younger, but now I’ve just been distracting myself.

I think I’m getting better at this since I’ve been spending more time in self- reflection. I think that’s really the way to do it. Just sit and think about things, and then….things come. Then those things start to appear in everyday life.