Rediscover joy in playing the violin

We played the Carmina Burana and it was well received.

Now that I’m officially out of college, I need to see about auditioning for a non-college symphony. In the next 2 weeks I’m going to work on setting up private lessons with my old teacher from college to get some repertoire worked up for upcoming auditions. I love playing with a symphony, and I’d love to try playing with a new group.

may be lifting. A few great weeks of orchestra in a row help to not derail what I’m trying to do at home. I’ve found myself turning on the radio to the classical station (which is rare!) For a while(since last summer at least) even when I heard classical music in public (by accident) I wanted to stop my ears. I actually attended a classical concert yesterday (which as a professional musician usually feels like work to me.)
Sometimes I’m getting that soul-lifting feeling of witnessing beauty (or being part of it) that used to be quite common for me.

My ambivalence about playing has not improved much, and it doesn’t help that I’ve stopped practicing except for work stuff. Because when you don’t practice, you don’t sound so good and obviously that doesn’t bring joy (to me or anyone else!) Practicing has to be Step Number One.
So I’ve somehow scheduled two recitals for myself coming up: one in February and one in April. AND I’m scheduled to play Tchaikovsky Concerto with a local orchestra in June. So if this doesn’t motivate me to practice….nothing can!
Also hoping that in playing more solo music, I’ll be able to explore personal expression and enjoy that freedom in a way that’s impossible while sitting in an orchestra.

I’m taking more responsibility in the symphony, which means that I’ve been running sectionals. With that and rehearsals, I’ve been spending at the very least 2 days a week working on symphony material.

I also volunteered to play a student composition, which apparenly is going to require me to play on a Monday recital in front of all of the music majors in a little over a week.

Recently, I was offered a job working with high school students. Some of the other students from the symphony and I are going to do 30 hours worth of sectionals within the next 6 months, which will pay me in the end $900.

And I’ve really been enjoying it!

Did I mention that I changed majors from Music to Sociology 3 years ago?

and for the most part I have a good time with it. I’m just beginning the romance with my music again…

Last night, I had it. I had fun. It is elusive, but it’s still there which brings me a tremendous amount of relief. Although many factors in my musical life are oppressive, I need to aim for these points which can remind me of why I’m doing this.

Today I was finally getting to a place I remember from long ago. Ever since I had my injury, I think 95% of the time about what I’m doing technically, partly to keep from re-injuring myself, and also because during my recovery I had to learn to play a new way and it’s difficult to be consistent with that. So today I’m kind of blissing out in this one amazing part and then boom one of my colleagues is making himself completely the center of attention during my solo and throwing himself around like an idiot. Annoying not to mention distracting! It’s a challenge playing music with others (who are not usually of your choosing) and trying to be open to the music-making give-and-take process, but then having to ignore them half the time because they’re acting like circus monkeys. It can hit you in the face like a bucket of cold water right when you’re at your most vulnerable. A bit of a let-down.

I’m completely lost. I sat three feet away from Yo-Yo Ma playing Rococo Variations today and I thought I was going to crack and months of tears and feelings were going to gush out that I’ve been locking up. So I know I’m not dead, but just letting fear tell me it’s easier to shut down. I feel like I need to go on a retreat or something…just sit somewhere and stare at nature and cry and get centered again. I feel like this is a turning point for me though. I need to become more inwardly directed than I have been when I was chasing the career dream and all the things I’m supposed to want. To be someone who’s just a vessel for the music and so un-self-conscious. That would be a dream.

It’s not about me, it’s about the music. Get over yourself already!

Ok, so I’m a violinist and have been playing for 26 years. And unfortunately lately its gotten to be more of a job than I would like. I want to get back to that joy that I’ve felt at times and stop focusing on the negativity and mediocrity which inevitably exist.