have a healthy relationship in which love is equally given and received

for this Chilean man of mine. I see how he is crazy for me, too. I used to get upset that he didn’t tell me he loved me every half a second, but I realized that I only had to look to his actions – that everything he does is for the good of us. (Besides, now he does tell me all the time that he loves me.) I have never felt so healthy in a relationship, ever. We’re not even quite at a year yet, but I think I am ready to move this goal to the completed list. What an amazing feeling!

I always thought that the person I would be with forever would be the one who loved me as I am, with all my faults and bad habits and flaws. That makes sense, on the surface, right?
Well, my old relationship has officially ended, after unofficially dragging on for quite some time. He was (and is) a great guy, and he would have taken care of me and treated me like a princess for the rest of my days. He really, truly loved me as I am, and he would have loved me if I’d gotten fat, or sick, or my hair fell out, or whatever. He still would have thought I was beautiful, too. So what’s the problem, you ask?
The problem is he’s not interested in self-improvement, or the improvement of myself, or how we could grow and improve as people together. He accepted my drinking problem, and told me he’d still love me if I ever wanted to stop drinking, but he never encouraged me to or even inspired me to. He’d listen to me talk about eating healthier, and he’d eat healthy food if I cooked it, but he never put any effort into making better choices himself. He would go running with me, but because I wanted it, not because he did. I think, in retrospect, that he will one day realize he wasn’t happy in our relationship either, but he doesn’t know why yet. He thinks all he needs is to be crazy about me, and that’s enough to be happy. But it’s not. I want to travel the world; he wants to buy a house in the suburbs. He would have sacrificed anything for me, including the life he really wants, and I’m sure he would have grown to resent me for it.
I am in a relationship now that is different from any I’ve ever been in. I am, for the first time in my life, trying to be monogamous. I am also, for the first time in my life, trying to control my drinking. Luis doesn’t just encourage me to do these things, he would leave me if I didn’t. But here’s the thing: I’m not doing it for him, I’m doing it for me. And not just because I’m crazy about him. A ridiculous example: if he told me he didn’t like my hair color, I’d tell him to go find someone else that has a hair color that suited him. But he wouldn’t say that, ever. The only things he ever has a problem with are things that would put our relationship or my well-being (or his well-being) in danger. How could I tell him to go find a girl without a drinking problem? He is only trying to help me to help myself, and if I don’t help myself, I’m only cheating myself.
I always thought that real, true love wouldn’t require any effort. It’s really not true. It’s taking a lot of effort on my part. But honestly, I never felt much reward in things that didn’t require effort. And so far, the rewards of this unlikely relationship have been better than I could have dreamed.

There is a French saying that translates roughly to this, and I find it curious: “In love, there is always one who kisses and one who offers the cheek.”
What do you think?

you all are making me think very seriously about whether i actually am capable of committing. i’ve pretty thoroughly convinced myself that i don’t want to, but sometimes i still have to wonder if i tell myself that because i’m not capable of it. sometimes i want to believe that i will become capable of it if i meet the right person, that love will be like the fairy tale it should be and that committing to him/her should be the easiest thing in the world for me. (by the way, i quit smoking years ago after being disgusted with it, and it was the easiest thing in the world for me. that has proved both a blessing and a curse: of course, i’m no longer a smoker and am quite happy with that, but it also gives me an excuse to be lazier about my drinking habits – that is, if i just reach that point of being disgusted with my drinking, it will be super easy to quit. naturally, i know on an intellectual level that that is not the best way to think about it, but it’s amazing how much the power of intellect can be squashed in the face of addiction.)
that parenthesis was so ridiculously long that i forgot my original train of thought. oh yes. someone in the last thread asked me why my goal said i wanted to be in a relationship at all if i was so intent on having my cake and eating it too. i think that question could have one of two answers, and i’m not sure which it is.
one option is that i really want to find someone who is cool with me having my cake and eating it too, but sort of always coming back to him/her. he/she could do the same thing, too, as long as everybody is always safe. i’m just not jealous that way.
the other option is that what i truly want, but don’t want to admit that i want, is to be able to commit. i’ve had problems defining a healthy relationship, even if it is a personal definition.
i don’t have any answers right now but i didn’t want everyone to think i was ignoring them and/or this goal.
cheers.

one problem with this goal. i have always, always, my whole life, wanted to have my cake and eat it too. i have ALMOST never had a relationship where i didn’t cheat at least once, and want to a whole lot more. i am totally okay with this; i just wish the people i date would be as okay with it.
the question arises, though: is it healthy? what exactly is the definition of a healthy relationship? do i just have to grow up a little bit and suddenly that settle down instinct will kick in? i’ve been waiting to grow up for years now. i’m out of college, i lived with a guy for well over a year, and he’s completely ready to marry me and treat me like the best thing since sliced bread for the rest of his life. what’s wrong with me? is it that i haven’t found the right person, or is that life just not for me?
when i was making this goal, i was careful not to write anything about monogamy or (much less) marriage, but i am questioning my own beliefs that a relationship can be healthy without that kind of commitment. what do you think?

i feel i’m on the verge of this. it is earth-shatteringly exciting.