stop being strong all the time

I have been checking out Al-Anon meetings, which I’m almost embarrassed to mention. I suppose it is a humbling experience and it has been eye-opening to be able to relate to a room full of people who feel similarily or have had similar experiences. I suppose going there to check it out or look into support is a way to not be so strong.

Otherwise, I’m still struggling with contacting people when I’m in pain. It is so hard! I’ve also been nervous lately about calling people and don’t like all the effort, even though I know it would be good for me to connect more. I was thinking about trying to call one friend a day or make lists of people who I could call, or maybe share with a few of them how hard it is for me to reach out, so that way if something comes up, I might feel more comfortable calling them.

I’m about ready to contact my dear person Gary because I’m tired of not having his support and not having him in my life. I’m tired of waiting.

My session was good today and learned a key thing about myself – that I am generally very unsure if people care about me. : ( I also am learning that being vulnerable is what makes you adorable to people, so maybe if I am less strong, people will find some of my insecurities endearing.

I’m going to see my counselor today. I feel such rage and frustration being where I am and am hoping that having someone to talk to will help. She called me sweetie, which I found to be soothing.

I have a hard time being vulnerable and have developed such an automatic reaction to cover up my hurts. I’d rather have some people kiss my boo-boos sometimes and know how to go to people for support…and rather much of the time I have this accomplished and strong pose, when sometimes I just feel like a teary and fearful 4 year old.