trust

I don’t trust anyone—men or women, so I don’t have meaningful friendships or relationships. Needless to say, I have a pretty empty, superficial life when it comes to relationships with others. I always just feel that there’s ulterior motives there, or some sort of disingenuous qualities being expressed. I simply cannot ever give all of myself to a man as a boyfriend, or a female as a friend-friend, so my relationships fall flat or completely fail.

It makes for one lonely gal. But how do I fix it. I don’t even know where to begin. I guess once I begin cultivating some new friendships or relationships, then I’ll really actively work on this, and make some more realistic goal setting.

trust is something I’ve struggled with a long time, I’ve spent 8yrs building up walls and only in the last 4-5 months have I actually started to tear some of them down. It’s going to take me some time but, I believe in my heart I can

I wish I could have the courage in trusting people. So many people have lost my trust and now I’m afraid to lend my trust to anyone. I always assume most people I trust are going to let me down. If I continue to not trust anyone, I’ll probably keep everything inside of me – affecting how I act towards others and most especially, myself.

Very simply put: He’s it. He’s the one. And I still occasionally ask myself, am I crazy to put all my faith into one person? What if he meets someone else? What if I change and get bored all of a sudden? But those are other questions… of little importance to me now, because I trust. And that gives me so much peace of mind. No need to speculate about our future, snoop, worry, read statistics on duration of relationships, worry about how to appear to him, lie, be lied to, etc.

It’s strange that I was never specifically looking for this, but nevertheless fought for it the whole time. I didn’t even know how that condition I fought for so hard would feel like… my parents’ dysfunctional marriage certainly didn’t show me, my friends’ parents seemed to be from outer space anyway, and my friends weren’t so lucky in their relationships either. Cues from novels and films – but they only ever offered glimpses.

And oh we still fight. But we also always talk a lot.

Is it possible to celebrate this without sounding horribly smug? We have a hundred things still not figured out, things that may put a spanner in the works of this relationship. But here we are and our mutual trust is better and more important to our everyday well-being than I could have ever imagined. Peace of mind indeed. It’d be nice if I could learn to have as much faith in myself.

I was talking in group today about taking off the party hat and how nice it was to feel free, instead of my usual calculating, budgeting self. About how nice it felt to go out for a snack with #3 and my friend and how it stresses me to carry a balance on my credit card.

And the deep seated fear I have about loosing control, being broke, hungry and 6K in debt again. I once said to my therapist that I felt like I was two steps away from chaos. Even though I’ve progress a long, long way from where I was when I was 5 years ago, I still feel like I could blink my eyes and end up there again.

And I don’t think that I’ve realized that no amount of money is ever going to make me feel safe. It will just never be enough. I have to learn how to trust that I am safe.

Trust.
Safe.
Okay.

That I don’t have to compartmentalize everything into safe little boxes and freak out when things don’t go according to plan. That I can have money for fun without feeling like the world is going to end. That I can go out and have fun without spazzing about it afterward.

It’s really that fear that if I let go, that everything will fall apart, that has me all wound up, that I’m scared to let my hair down. And I have to convince myself that that’s not true, that I’m not 20$ away from being broke anymore, that I don’t have to be so ordered and rigid about everything.

Okay, okay, I AM going through a HUGE Havi phase. It’s just that everything I read is exactly what I needed to hear at that point.

Self mastery is a big ol’ waste of time

The truth is, you’re always going to have “stuff” because that’s just part of being alive. The smart way is to stop fighting with your stuff and instead let your stuff be your teacher.

[...]

Paying attention to your patterns helps you figure out what your stuff is trying to tell you, without being impressed by it. Remind yourself that your patterns don’t define you and don’t say anything bad about who you are. They’re just the messenger.

I hate people….don’t trust people….what trust I had, whittled away long ago. I hope maybe one day to rebuild it…

This series of thoughts went through my head…

• I want someone to tell me that it’s okay not to put every last penny into my SF
• I want someone to tell me that it’s okay for me to spend money on myself
• I want someone to tell me that it’s okay and I don’t have to be scared anymore
• I want to be able to tell myself that I don’t have to be scared anymore
• I don’t want to be scared anymore.
• I want to be safe.
• What’s it going to take for me to feel safe?

More musing… thoughts spinning around and around in my head… Here’s me spilling them to text.

But what is it going to take for me to BELIEVE that I’m safe. / To believe that the world isn’t going to collapse in front of me.

Because I’ve had this happen to me, time and time again. And though it’s been a long while since it’s happened, I still dread waking up one day and finding out that I’ve reverted to my old self, the one who doesn’t wake up for work and lives off of peanut butter and chocolate chips. It’s. Not. Going. To. Happen. Jess.

To believe that I actually CAN do it on my own.

You know, I have been doing it on my own. And I’m learning that other people have trouble with the mundane, too. I’ve been at the apt since the 6th of Sept. And I’ve been decorating it my way. I’ve stayed out of debt doing it. I make my own food. Or I go out to eat at restaurants. Either way, I make sure I eat. Sure, cleaning I could use some work on, but you know my living room is pretty decluttered, as it’s regular state of being.

To believe that I have a bright future, where ever it may lead me.

Back to what was said at the last group session. I was talking to someone about going back to work and I asked: Do you have a plan? Well no… Do you have a plan to have a plan? Because it goes back to baby steps.

Then I explained that I was “thinking about planning to get my license” and the series of thoughts that that path lead down.

I want a house
I want a house I can afford
To be able to get a house I can afford I need to be in the suburbs
To be able to live in the suburbs, I need to at least be able to drive to the train station.
To be able to drive, I need my license.

And the question to me was: Do you plan everything? Have you ever done something without planning? Well yes I went to go and see Paul in Quebec City

So it seems to others that I have plans for everything, but not to me. I don’t have a plan to go back to school. I don’t have a plan to change jobs and find a career. I don’t have a plan to start a relationship, get married and have kids. I think these are the things that I feel that I should have a plan about. And I don’t.

I have ways I do things now, that work for me. That have been working for me in the past and have gotten me to where I am now. My therapist calls them communities. And for someone who’s gone through so much loss in their life, I have a strong importance of the sense of community.

I am in a relationship that’s been struggling lately because I have a guard up that doesn’t allow me to not only let anyone fully in, but i also can’t trust. I always think someone or somethings out to get and it’s not fair to my partner. I keep pushing him farther and farther away, and I keep hurting him because trust is a big deal to him and to any relationship…...... i don’t know what to do and i’m getting frustrated with myself because I can’t keep the negative thoughts out of my mind, and i keep ruining a relationship that could be a very good one…..

I’ve heard of WishCraft by Barbara Sher but never really taken the time to look into it. I’m in the middle of reading Chapter 6 but want to stop and share this quote with you. (bolding mine)

If this book has one single most important purpose, it is to mount a full-scale attack on the most destructive piece of conventional “wisdom” there is: “You’ve got to make it on your own.” Nobody can. Nobody does. And yet we often hesitate to ask anyone for help, advice, or even instructions to the corner store for fear that it means we’re “dependent.” I know a grown woman, the mother of three children, who wanted to go back to college but couldn’t sign up, because when she got to the campus she didn’t know which building the registration office was in! She wouldn’t ask anyone, because she thought she should know how by herself and was afraid she’d look like a fool.