trust

I wish I could have the courage in trusting people. So many people have lost my trust and now I’m afraid to lend my trust to anyone. I always assume most people I trust are going to let me down. If I continue to not trust anyone, I’ll probably keep everything inside of me – affecting how I act towards others and most especially, myself.

Very simply put: He’s it. He’s the one. And I still occasionally ask myself, am I crazy to put all my faith into one person? What if he meets someone else? What if I change and get bored all of a sudden? But those are other questions… of little importance to me now, because I trust. And that gives me so much peace of mind. No need to speculate about our future, snoop, worry, read statistics on duration of relationships, worry about how to appear to him, lie, be lied to, etc.

It’s strange that I was never specifically looking for this, but nevertheless fought for it the whole time. I didn’t even know how that condition I fought for so hard would feel like… my parents’ dysfunctional marriage certainly didn’t show me, my friends’ parents seemed to be from outer space anyway, and my friends weren’t so lucky in their relationships either. Cues from novels and films – but they only ever offered glimpses.

And oh we still fight. But we also always talk a lot.

Is it possible to celebrate this without sounding horribly smug? We have a hundred things still not figured out, things that may put a spanner in the works of this relationship. But here we are and our mutual trust is better and more important to our everyday well-being than I could have ever imagined. Peace of mind indeed. It’d be nice if I could learn to have as much faith in myself.

I hate people….don’t trust people….what trust I had, whittled away long ago. I hope maybe one day to rebuild it…

I am in a relationship that’s been struggling lately because I have a guard up that doesn’t allow me to not only let anyone fully in, but i also can’t trust. I always think someone or somethings out to get and it’s not fair to my partner. I keep pushing him farther and farther away, and I keep hurting him because trust is a big deal to him and to any relationship…...... i don’t know what to do and i’m getting frustrated with myself because I can’t keep the negative thoughts out of my mind, and i keep ruining a relationship that could be a very good one…..

From today’s viewpoint it’s unfathomable what we were like when I first adopted this goal. Adversaries. Looking at us now, I wouldn’t think this iciness possible. We are best friends again, maybe more than we ever were before. We’re still not sure which paths to take in our lives, but we’re walking side by side and helping each other to find the way.

About 2007 and 2008 he himself has said, simply, “maybe I changed”. Commitment as the solution to commitment issues? Is that going to work long-term? And I’m not even sure if it’s a change I wanted, not when I suspect he’s simply been pushing those questions to the back of his mind. (And maybe so have I.) In any case, even though he didn’t ever say I was, I refuse to be held responsible for this “change”... meaning that to my knowledge there’s nothing about me that changed, so I didn’t “led him on”, and I also certainly didn’t do much to change him and didn’t ask him to become somebody he’s not. (Yeah, it’s weird to get worked up about this.) I just told him to make up his mind. But perhaps that’s something one has to do over and over again – confront those questions.

Other trust issues still to be resolved: the trust in my own abilities, the trust to be placed in friends and those who might become friends, in life in general. Step by step.

Trust, in the past weeks and months, has mostly been about creating a belief in myself – in my ability to get out of this impasse, vicious circle, I’m not even sure what it is. Still, on a night like this, my intuition, as in a faint whisper, begs for attention. Of course I know what triggers these thoughts and emotions… And I found myself thinking this morning how impossible it seems that anything like that could happen again. To us?

And isn’t it true that I’m the one who can’t let her go?
(I even thought about M. today for a minute!)

We are currently a bit under the weather. Jaded. Worn out. (I get all my metaphors mixed up.) Bad coughs which don’t allow for kisses, coming home late at night, all that. Besides that, we’re doing fine. And there are those very special moments on otherwise ordinary, unremarkable days, that fill my heart with joy. I’ve no reason to think that my luck will leave.

I find it incredibly hard to trust people now after the amount I’ve been hurt in the past. There’s not many people outside of my family I really trust fully. Some of them have broken my trust but it can be given back when they do the right things.

Weird word, trust, isn’t it?

i think i trust the wrong people.
i just need to becareful i guess.
but since 2 girls i trusted have betrayed me, its hard to trust anyone new again.

I should remember this: THIS is as good as love can feel. I wondered if it might be even better if our lives were different, with secure careers and a child and a real home et cetera, but somehow… I don’t think it could be any better than THIS: the love, faith and trust I have in this relationship and in this man. And in myself, as regards this relationship. How good it feels.

The knowledge that M. went to New York saddens me. I see so many parallels to my 26-year-old self… I went to New York too when I was 26 (the last of many times, and haven’t been since, which is hard for me to believe). Together with my boyfriend, and we also took pictures of us kissing on the Brooklyn Bridge. In love, young, happy, and pretty too, when I look at the pictures ;-) Life seemed good, full of promises. The range of choices has narrowed down so much. I look at her life and think: Where would I be without you, now? The heartbreak you caused? All of this doesn’t exactly make me envious, rather… clueless as what to do with my own life, where to take it. T. said something about living one’s life through others. A flippant comment, does he really believe that? Maybe correct in the past, but this is not it. I’m looking for clues, but don’t know in which places to look.

I posted this elsewhere before, but I think it belongs here.