Just Be

that i probably won’t accomplish very many thinks on my 43 list. I just don’t have the motivation to do so, and nothing seems to go as planned. I feel like such a lazy ass, it’s a weird downward spiral.

tomorrow is another day and i will try to get back into the swing then.

Its d simplest thing in the world,yet I find it so hard to do it.I just wanna let go and just live my life.I know its the only way I can be happy and satisfied.

Maybe being involves the pain as well. Could be that this is the reason why I´m having such a hard time with it. Accepting everything that life throws at me… the good as well as the bad… This weekend I realized that I´m not nearly done dealing some things. No matter how much I´m trying to push them from me, how desperately I´m digging a hole to bury them, they are with me; waiting for my weak moments to come out. However, they made me who I am, maybe even more so than the lucky and happy moments. I can´t run away, there is nothing left for me to do but stand there and wait for things to rush at me, swirl me around and then leave me behind. All I can do is pick up the pieces later and realize in the process that all that has happened to me hasn´t destroyed me, only changed me.

Or like Miller put it: “Nothing that had happened to me thus far had been able to destroy me. Nothing but my dreams and illusions had been destroyed, I, myself was still intact.”

Perhaps I should look at it like some kind of cleansing process, to rid me of things I´ve long outgrown but been too scared to let got of…

Accept life, embrace everything that if offers and let it fuel me…

people need to let go of the material non-sense.. let go of the bullshit, the complicated, the excuses, the lies, and just be. sit back, think, and just be. it’s the most simple thing in the world.. yet many people just cant quite grasp it….

Live a litle longer

to step out of my comfort zone.

to be more comfortable in different situations/environments.

to handle sudden things in the best way i can.

to try to find out more about myself along this path.

and more…

don’t you just get this unexplainable feeling of being “odd”, especially when you are among people you are not familiar with?!

i very much dislike it and i’m trying to get rid of it by just being.

get it?

As i sit here tonight with the kitties i’m not distracting myself with too many other things, even though the tv is on, i’m just appreciating each moment. It’s so sweet having both of my kitties cuddled up with me trying to keep warm as the temperature drops.

After deciding to write this as a goal, for the reason that i have found as of late i’ve been running through life, caught up in the daily activities and river of life, but not actually just taking time to get out of the boat and enjoy the sands at the riverside, to slow down and smell the beauty of nature around me, to take in deep breathes of life giving oxygen and to feel and explore who i really am.

Today i discovered that i haven’t been giving the time to myself i deserve. Infact i havent been doing any of the things i want to do for fun and enjoyment and spending my time how i want to. I’ve been making plans for what i need to do and must do but have rarely taken a moment to breathe and ask myself, is this what i really want. Am i on the right path. Am i aligned with my soul and where i need to be. I think my other goal of aligning with my soul covers this also.

So for the last 44 minutes i have danced. It started out slowly, feeling lethargic and with my own self image feeling heavy and neglected and generally unloved. I didn’t realise that this is the truth of the matter as whilst dancing in the mirror, i noticed that as i fell into the motions and movements, my body came to life. I felt vibrant, loved, grateful and cared for. My posture improved and the deep breathes nourished my soul and mind. I realised that to dance for yourself is to truly give to yourself and it’s one of the most wonderful experiences you can have.

To connect with your higherself when you get to this level flows. On finishing dancing i read my starsign which read:

“You may think that time is running out, so you could get overly forceful in your search for happiness. But the greatest satisfaction may come from delving into the intensity of the uncomfortable places within your mind. Your tendency may be to avoid the darkness, yet this is where the treasures are hiding. Facing the unknown can catalyze the transformation of fear into love. “

I pondered on what this meant for me and thought about exploring the uncomfortable places in my mind. I decided i would see if i could find any tresures there. So for awhile i sat with myself asking questions and listening to my inner self. On listening i discovered that i’ve been neglecting my inner child massively. The part of me that just wants to play and have fun and be in the moment. I realised that i’ve been causing myself massive internal pain from all the rushing about i’ve been doing and stressing and pressure i’ve been putting on myself. The inner me isn’t interested in work and money, but in nurturing and love and fun and happiness in the immediate moment. I’ve been denying myself pleasure in the moment replacing it with imagined pleasure in the future of how things will be when i can relax when i’m successful with my business.

The truth is i need to take time for me now to do the things my inner child want to do, and realise sometimes the things that need doing and must be done have to take a back seat to the important priority of self love and nurturing. At the moment all my time is planned. I’ve realised now that i need to plan my working hours and work only in that time and outside that time, just be. Do what i feel, take time to have fun. Maybe set two hours a day where i just do whatever i please, not plan.