Remember and Honor those I love that died before me.

It’s been since this past leap year that an atomic bomb was dropped on my life. This year is ending, and it’s a relief to realize that I will never get over this loss. I can’t stress enough that it really is self indulgent and counter productive to hurt yourself because of the loss of someone close. My brother would not want me to be unhappy in any way. I have not had the luxury to bury myself in work to distract myself from losing a family member. Everyone handles grief differently. My sister got married and pregnant to counteract our bad news. My older brother quit his job and sold his house to move closer to me after our bad news. My father disappeared for a long time; now he lives in Afghanistan. My other brother joined the Peace Corps and moved to Nicaragua. In a year we have changed so much. People die- you can’t bring them back. But you can change how you act and react to life. I have learned that health is more valuable then gold. People are more valuable then gold. Time separates out emotions. My job is to remember everything and move forward. I wish to forget everything that came after my bad news and live a good and simple life with my good memories close to my heart. That is all I have control over. It’s an ugly thing to lose a loved one. Love what you have and what you had, and move forward.

I have lost two members of my immediate family before the age of 30. What can I say? One, my other half, left us this past leap year. I can give no advice on this subject. But I can say that my siblings are better off understanding life and death because they did not take the route that I did. I lost the best person I knew, and we were like twins in every way but one: he had a bigger heart then me. I’m angry because the world will never know another like him. I am angry because he is gone. But it brought me to one conclusion, and the clarity of this conclusion resonates with me so strongly, it has to be the answer. Here it is: the only thing that matters in our short lives is that we are overflowing with love. It’s really all that matters. Attach yourself to anything electric, life affirming, and radiant. Love is the only reason for being here. I miss the man. But we are the living, and we have to do something to carry on what they left behind. I never wanted to accept that I lost my man, my twin, so I just numbed myself. Since this past leap year I have never wanted to deal with this so I lost myself in Valium. It burns away memory. But that is selfish. Now that I have made the conscious choice to quit Valium (and accept life) I have to deal with accepting what I can not even write down. But life resonates in everything. At every corner I see life; it’s inescapable. Plants growing, dreams, rain, time: I have to take this on soon. If you are reading this know that the world lost one of it’s most interesting and compassionate members this past leap year. But I knew him so I will cry about it, then go on living with him in my memory. He deserves at least that.