downsize

But putting it in that category because I cannot focus on this right now. I don’t even know what downsizing really means to me, beyond decluttering and living green. I have to complete my dissertation before I can consider anything else, and even having this on my list is stressing me. I need to downsize my list of goals.

For some reason, my personal trainer (Ryan) is on a temporary leave, so I have a substitute trainer for now (Jonathan). He has A LOT more experience than Ryan, and judging from my first day with him (today) I have a feeling he’s going to expect a lot more from me than I’m used to. Good news, right? Right.

My next session with him is on Monday, which means I’ve got to be really self-motivated this week. I’ve been meeting 2x weekly with Ryan, focusing on a different muscle group every other day. Jonathan has recommended cardio all this week, as well as keeping a food journal, and 96+ oz of water per day.

None of this sounds unreasonable. I’ve been tracking my food consumption pretty regularly (except on weekends) for the past 2 or 3 weeks. I’ve been trying to stay within 1500 calories daily, staying away from bad fats, and getting as many veggies and fruits as I can for the vitamins. I’m considering buying some multivitamins too.

Anyway, it’s been just over a month since I started exercising and I can already feel a slight difference. My clothes still fit the same, but my general body-image is improving. I don’t feel as tired during the early afternoons, and my flexibility is getting better too.

My goal for the next couple of weeks is to get myself on a regular eating schedule. I am going to try and eat every 3 hours in the hopes that I can trick my body to get hungry at those times, which should reduce my urges to snack all the time and hopefully keep my energy level consistent throughout the day.

It’s been a dream to have my new room stay so clean and organized, and for my old room to be…well, nearly empty. There are some things I may let go of in the future when I officially move out on my own, but at least I’ll have a great deal less to go through when that day comes. I’ve also managed to keep my hair dye-free for about five months now, which I haven’t done in six years (though I can’t say I’m not still tempted!). I have been okay about walking or biking instead of driving to school, but until I get a basket rack for the back of my bike, it’s a little impractical for days requiring more books; I also drive when I know I won’t be going home until dark, because our neighborhood is kind of iffy when it comes to safety. I’ve experienced enough creepers in broad daylight to steer clear of being on a bike in the dark. I’ll get a little better at biking or walking when the weather cools off a bit, though. I am also proud to say I have resisted my previous habits of constantly eating out (I’m addicted to cooking!) and have been a much more cautious spender when it comes to things like clothes, books, movie tickets, shows, and so forth.
Three cheers for moderation!

So, today was my first real session with my personal trainer. I was kind of worried at first because it’s a HE, and I wonder if I should have gone with a female trainer… Anyway, most of those worries went out the door today because he made sure to tell me that we will be focusing a lot on nutrition and endurance. He started by showing me some useful stretches, then we went straight into working my back/shoulders with a method called Active Recovery. It basically involves working on various muscles in the same general area while doing some light cardio in between reps to keep the heart rate up. So far I really like the fact that I’m learning how to use different parts of my body. For example, I never knew how strong my back was, or how weak my shoulders are! I also like the fact that I’m breaking a sweat from doing simple exercises that I thought I could never do! I can’t wait until things start becoming easier and my body starts adapting to the new challenges I’m putting it through. I guess it’s safe to say I’m happy with my personal trainer so far. We still have many more sessions ahead, so hopefully it will continue to keep me motivated to better my body.

I signed up for a gym membership today. It’s located extremely close to where I work, so I really have no excuse not to go. I’m excited but also nervous at having to start working toward my goal of downsizing. I am going to start out doing cardio a few times per week and then hopefully get instruction on how to use the resistance machines to build muscle and strengthen my back and upper body. At the VERY least, I can tone up my ass on the stairmaster!

Many people have been evacuated this summer for flooding and fires. I can only imagine what they face when they are left with having to choose what to take, what to leave behind. DBF and I this weekend did a walk-through of our house and outside, choosing what we would take for needs and wants if we had to leave home. We were thinking in terms of more drastic events, like having to evacuate due to war.

The animals and their food, tack, and equipment came first; then certain clothes, bedding, cooking and eating utensils, a handful of useful books, certain tools, toiletries, important papers, and a few things that have meaning and beauty, but are not utilitarian. It was a lot less than what we have now, and certainly I believe that our lives would be better without much of the extra stuff we have. I think we get bogged down – it’s all too much!

So I’m in the downsizing process. I’m working at it; that’s a success. Downsizing is more than decluttering, and it’s a part of living simply. Downsizing is the big stuff, the stuff that has to do with what I’ve already got in my life, and figuring out what needs to go. It has to do with feeling safe and confident that less is truly more – the way the world is now with oil driving everything from the economy to family reunions, and addressing global warming being one of the imperatives for the future, downsizing becomes one of the personal choices that really makes a difference in my day-to-day, and to the generations to come. Sounds all rhetorical, but sadly, it’s the truth. I believe I deserve the best in life, but downsizing means changing my idea of what is the best. It’s easier to let go of stuff than it is to let go of my attitude, my expectations, plans and dreams of the future. The best in life, now, might mean giving up what I thought was so essential for quality of life last year.

I buzzed my hair and have no plans to dye it back once it grows out…it’s truly amazing how much money this will save me (no more box color, I can buy cheap shampoo and conditioner instead of the color protective stuff, no product for a few more months…awesome!). I’ve actually done very well on managing my portions, which is something I’ve always had trouble with. I ride my bike to friends’ houses instead of driving, I’ve let go of clothes that I don’t wear (but have saved for years!), and save my time for the friendships that are healthy and truly worth it to maintain. And (this was an exciting development) I’ve let go of the need to be friends with my housemates; it’s still important to me for us to get along, but I was able to stand my ground on a money issue with one housemate without chickening out to save her feelings. It was liberating!!

At the time I wrote this goal, I didn’t have a very clear picture in mind of how I was going to attain it. I just knew I wanted to be a smaller, healthier version of myself. Well, I guess it’s hard to draw a map to where you’re going without first determining where you are now.

As of a few days ago, my weight is 185 lbs. I’ve heard several times that health shouldn’t be measured by weight, but seeing this number on the scale brought back a lot of negative feelings, including disappointment, disgust, and dread at the work ahead of me.

The reason for these negative feelings, I suppose, has something to do with this being the most I’ve weighed since my junior year in high school, when I was at my heaviest (179 lbs). That same year, I got down to about 125 lbs., without dieting. I felt amazing. I felt like a normal teenager, for the first time ever.

Now that I’m back to an unhealthy and unattractive level, verging on obesity, I’m hopeful that the right changes can bring me back to that wonderful feeling. I’m still young, and I deserve to feel and look my age.

As mentioned in my first entry, I would like to start the process of being responsible for putting healthier things into my body. I’ve already started this by buying more fresh fruits and vegetables, cooking more at home (at least twice a week), and getting as many of the four food groups as possible, each day focusing less and less and less on processed/microwaveable/comfort junk foods. The cooking has been very fun & inspiring. I’m teaching myself new dishes every day, and I’m enjoying the new & delicious tastes tremendously.

I will admit, I haven’t been doing as well on the exercise aspect of my original entry. I said I would walk instead of drive to work. Well, I stopped driving alright, but I also started taking cabs. I won’t make “running late” an excuse to do this anymore, because it’s killing me in the pocketbook. The days I do walk make me feel great, because I’m reminded how it will build my endurance and hopefully progress to jogging/running and perhaps eventually help me shed some fat.

Sleep, as always, is a constant battle. I still don’t have a perfect routine, but I am getting more snooze-time overall. My biggest challenge is noise. I have a hard time shutting down at the end of the day because I constantly need noise. If my eyes aren’t forced to get tired by watching tv before bed, I usually can’t fall asleep. Music is a compromise, but even then, I tend to start thinking about things when my eyes don’t have something specific to focus on. For the most part though, as I mentioned before, I’m at least getting about 6 good hours of sleep per night. It’s definitely an improvement.

Well, now that I’ve laid out some of my current standings, I think it will be easier to track my progress. Hopefully, over the next few months I can increase the amount of cooking at home, physical activity per week, and set up a reliable sleep schedule that will work with my hectic work life and chronic insomnia. Fingers crossed!

I plan to do the following over this next year:

-Sell/donate clothes I don’t wear anymore
-Throw away packrat items (papers from high school, “memorabilia,” etc.)
-Sell the truck and get a car with good gas mileage
-Shave my head and possibly stop dying my hair when it grows back (at least for a while)
-Exercise
-Eat reasonably small portions
-Lose touch with unsupportive friends
-Let go of insecurities about appearance or personality
-Shop at Goodwill when possible or take a serious break from shopping
-Spend less time on the computer and in front of the TV and more time learning and being outside
-Ride my bike instead of driving
-Be free of anyone’s expectations but my own

Jeez…if I can accomplish all of this in a year, I think it would bring about HUGE changes in the way I live. Here’s hoping for the discipline to change!