Sucessfully complete the Master Cleanse

At 8:45 this morning I had two sandwiches. I stood up this morning, the room went black, and I just caved in. But don’t get discouraged if you’re at day 3. I make a lot of very risky mistakes.

1.) I took Valium to calm my body down when I got too shaky or upset.

2.) This fast gave me extreme anger, (a euphemism for hysterical, blind rage- seriously) so I drank one single glass of wine last night, which is absolutely moronic on a fast like this. Also it did not help with my mood or energy.

3.) I did not drink enough of the water mixture.

4.) I used the “A” quality maple syrup, not “B”. I hear that makes a big difference.

My biggest complaint with this fast is that, like I said, the first couple of days are angry ones. The mind can’t focus on food, so it attaches it’s starvation anger on politics, relationships, etc. and will not ease up. Feeling like crap and attaching that negativity to a concept, idea, translated conversation: not good for the soul. Don’t make the mistakes I did, and be aware to warn friends and loved ones that you may be a little grouchy for a while. The man I’m with was tired of his night on the couch.

There is a lot I would like to articulate this morning but my energy is below zero. So with my negative energy supply, I’ll write my progress. Excellent according to the rules. No food yesterday, pounded the water drink, and did the saline solution. If you’re looking for advice I’ll write down when I know what I’m talking about or when I’m saying something that you probably should not follow. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone with bad advice; this fast can damage you if you don’t follow directions exactly.

I cheated a little bit. Let me preface why I cheated by saying this: from reading other posts on this site about The Master Cleanse and from my own experience, it’s really easy to lose concentration (while writing for example.) Also anger (a euphemism in my case for hysteria) is a common side effect the first few days. My theory for this anger is that the mind gets so distracted with thinking about food (oh god you have no idea how much it occupies thought until you know you can’t have it) that thoughts get stuck on other things. Maybe it’s a survival technique because I’m starving! Anyway, I got really upset about this Rahm Emanuel character because Obama was my man and now it’s up in the air if there will ever be an end to war (I just want to live through ten minutes of complete universal peace), that I took a Valium. Don’t do this. I actually took two: the first when I heard his father’s racist comments regarding Palestinians, and the second when I woke up in the middle of the night to theorize on what is going to happen now that this guy is Chief of Staff. What a blow to all that cried tears of joy at the possibility of peace in the world. My point: I took two Valiums. Since this fast is cleansing and since I was supposed to throw those pills away weeks ago, I messed up.

Also I did the over the counter saline solution to start off with. Don’t do that. Just keep taking the cayenne pepper, lemon, maple syrup mix. Pound it as much as possible. The stuff I took is too hard on the body. Last night I did the saline solution and drank close to 3/4 of a gallon of water and…nothing happened. Hours passed…nothing happened. I thought, “Oh, I’m going to die.” But this morning the toilet and I got together to do some cleaning.

A good friend of mine recommended epson salt baths so I took a hot one last night. I listen to this friend because she has spent the last 2 years of her life in raw food vegan communes and knows her stuff. A note of caution from her (she has done this fast sucessfully before): When your ten days (or longer on this fast) are up, do not do what she did and pig out to the max. That ruins all the patience and discipline you did to clean yourself into better health. I read blogs on this site where people were counting down the hours till they could eat. Don’t do that. Gradually work up into solid food. Soups first, then solid food.

The truth is that if I start talking about food I’ll sound a little nutty (nuts are food, I could eat nuts). It’s too early to talk about the psychological pain (and really bad headaches) you go through in the first few days, and this is just the morning of the second day. Oh bagels, pizza, humus, more bagels, bagels with pizza on top, ahhhh! I don’t have it out of my system yet but it helps. My boyfriend (now fiancee) is zero support. He jokingly said that I have to refer to him as ‘Bagel’ for the next ten days. Bagels are my favorite. I love the man, but for my own success all I can do is look at him as a body full of toxins: nicotine, alcohol, unattractive junk. This way I don’t cave in and say, “Oh vodka, oh pizza, I’ve lost control, let me rob a fast food store, etc.” On this fast you go a little crazy in the first few days.

My last comment is more of a concern. Weight loss. You are supposed to lose two pounds a day on this diet. Beyonce went on the Oprah show saying she owes the 20 pounds she lost for her role in Dream Girls to the Master Cleanse. But she also went on to say that it’s extremely unhealthy to do this specifically for weight loss. Hey, only one person in the world has the body that Beyonce has and that is Beyonce. Yes she is gorgeous, but she had weight to lose and she also has personal trainers, nutritionists and an entourage of advisers concerned about her looks and her health. At two pounds a day for ten days I’ll be less then 100 pounds. I’ll look like Gollum! And My Precious will be bagels. Oh God on day ten if I look and act like him I’m certainly writing, “Not Worth Trying” as my result.

Again the purpose is for health only. My liver and I don’t get along and all the starch I consume must get stuck in my colon often. It’s a time to cleanse and be calm. Good luck to all my fellow Master Cleanse comrades. May we all reach that zen state when this is over (like Gandalf the White Wizard).

I attempted the Master Cleanse around this time last year. I went all out: quit smoking, no alcohol, I went vegan, and I cloistered myself away in a small town in the middle of the Midwest (Norfolk, Nebraska) to be alone. The idea was to feel great of course, but also to get a sense of something spiritual. I’m an agnostic, but growing up my family fasted 9 months of the year. Fasting can feel like a natural drug, something divine, or whatever you choose to label the ritual and emotions that go with fasting.

*As a side note I hated religious fasting growing up. Russian Orthodox are basically vegan 9 months of the year because of fasting.

So here is my mode of operation: Today no food. I’m jogging just once this morning, because I don’t think I’ll have energy later in the week. Then I’m doing the saline solution. Then I’m staying as busy as possible because the first three days hurt.

My sister in law called yesterday out of the blue and told me she wants to try the Master Cleanse. I figured, it’s on my goal list, I want to be healthier, and I’ve got nothing to lose so I’m joining her. The drag is that next week I turn 30 and I had plans at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the ocean. Now I’ll just go hiking or something in that vein. Camping maybe. So that’s my plan today. Oh, also I have to buy the book. It’s about ten dollars at a used book store. But to give those who are not quite familiar with this fast an idea of what it’s all about, here is a cut and paste of my sister in law’s description of what happens:

“From talking to everyone that has done it, you drink laxative tea the night before you start, then every morning when you wake up you are supposed to drink a quart of warm salt water ( 1 qt warm water with two rounded teaspoons uniodized sea salt). You drink that right in the morning when you wake up and its supposed to make you shit it all out two or three times within an hourish. Then you drink 6-12 glasses a day of the mix—2 T lemon juice, 2 T maple syrup, 1/10 teaspoon cayenne and water. You can also add water or peppermint tea to switch it up. Pretty much every time you feel hungry, you drink a glass of the lemonaide. Do this for 10 days or longer. When you are done fasting, you have to come off it easy or it will eff you back up, so after the 10 days (or however long) you start adding a glass or two of OJ a day, watered down if you need to. Then on the second or third day of this, you eat a little bit of homemade vegetable soup, then after that you should be able to go back to eating “normal” food.
If the fast makes you feel too sick and you can’t handle it, if you eat a baked potato with a little bit of olive oil, it will put you back in balance really fast and the starch forces yer body to stop cleansing.”

Also please don’t do this to lose weight. There are healthier ways to drop weight quickly. This is to cleanse the colon. My goal is at least 10 days. I’m very excited to detox. Wish me luck!