Be impeccable with my word

I believe of all my goals, this is going to be the most difficult for me to accomplish. I have only just begun to realize the exact character flaws that I possess and where they stem from. My self-esteem is next to non-existent, which in turn makes me say and do things that are definitely not impeccable. For as long as I can remember, I have tried to build myself up by tearing other people down. I talk about people constantly. To observe and point out other people’s faults and flaws makes me seem not so bad by comparison. Dare I say, it even makes me feel superior, which is just a lie. This epiphany completely knocked me on my ass. I firmly believe that in order to become a person I can love and respect, learning to be impeccable with my word is the most important first step I can take. It will be hard, yes. But harder yet is having to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with a person that I don’t really like.

I’ve been MUCH better about this since I posted this goal. I used to lie. A lot.

I wouldn’t say I’ve “done” this, but I’m improving. When friends ask me to go out, I don’t tell them that I can’t anymore. I tell the truth—that I don’t want to or that I have other plans.

I also came clean about an exaggeration that I lived as a reality for a very long time. I told my boyfriend. He didn’t want to hear the FULL truth, but I gave him the opportunity. He preferred the version that made me appear more heroic to him, but I offered him the truth and he’s aware that I led him to believe an exaggeration.

He also told me that my interpretation of events is vivid and flawed. He explained to me that he understands that much of what I articulate is bigger and more vibrant because I am a story-teller.

It doesn’t make me comfortable to know that and I won’t stop trying to be impeccable, but it’s good to know that he who loves me will accept me regardless. Knowing that I am loved despite such tremendous flaws makes it much easier to tell the truth.

I’m not afraid that the truth will alienate those I love anymore. That is the most empowering way that I’ve grown in the last year.

I still carry guilt from some of the stories I’ve weaved that I can never undo, but I can refuse to craft anymore.

Not all the time, but usually. Another one I’ll revisit in the future.

This should prove to be the most difficult goal on my list because there are lies I’ve told that have become ingrained in my life. There are lies I have to live daily.

To be impeccable, I’m not sure I can erase those lies. They form a foundation upon which my social existence exists. To admit to everyone that those are untruths would destroy more than I am willing.

But I can choose to leave that in the past. I can be impeccable when facing those lies by saying, “I’d prefer not to discuss that. I’m no longer that person and I’m no longer making those decisions.” That is impeccable.

In order to reach this goal, I must handle the past first. I must choose to live in the present and to be honest about what is happening in it.

Thank you, Tiisi, for wording this goal in way that I can embrace it. And thank you for blogging about conscious decisions to be impeccable with your word. Those inspire me.

Haha. Just writing this made the “quit smoking” goal more difficult.

I’m still at loss of words by the wrongful doings of my colleague. I don’t know how to approach her, because honestly, I’m afraid of what might come out of my mouth – that might hurt me in the end. She is hard to work with because she takes things too personally, assumes everything, an antagonist, and likes to blow smoke up peoples’ asses. Everything is ‘gravy’ as long as she feels like she is in the driver’s seat. However, being in the driver seat means I’m and many others, are inheriting her shitty-ass work.

I really just want to avoid the situation altogether and work on finding a new job. However, if this problem arises again – I cannot continue running. Therefore, how can I approach this one?

I got an email from the friend on whose voicemail I left a message yesterday. She needs to talk to me and hopes I’m not blowing her off. I guess she didn’t get my message.

I laid it on the line in my email reply. I told her that she has a legitimate need for support and a legitimate expectation that her friends will provide it. I also told her that April has been difficult enough that I can’t be that friend for her right now.

It would be harsh to be on the receiving end of that message and I tried to acknowledge that while still being firm that I cannot be a resource for her. It wouldn’t be any kinder for me to pretend to be there for her while my head whirls with all that I am juggling. I was honest.

I felt mean and shallow.

Have integrity with every area of my life…Do what I say I am going to do!

I just had to answer a bunch of questions about my position and the department and I was absolutely honest, which I think took the HR person a little by surprise. I had forgotten about the new right sizing policy and how it may affect finding a replacement for me. They really need to get someone in here right away but if that’s what my boss wants, he needs to step forward and take on the responsibility of making his case instead of leaving it to me.

I was just on the phone with him and we were looking at alternate times for a meeting and I told him I was cancelling a standing budget mtg that was supposed to happen right before I left because “by then, I just won’t care.” He laughed, thank goodness. Six more weeks of work. Let’s hope I can deliver honesty with tact for that long.

I’m just not the most vocal person out there- especially when it comes to matters of the heart or belief. Confrontations are usually avoided—and opinions usually leave up my actions to do the verbal expression.

Yesterday, I had planned on speaking up against the wrongful doings of a colleague at work. However, cooperation stepped in and the alibi was lost.

I was impeccably honest in an email. I wanted to say that I can’t spend a lot of time with an alcoholic who recently relapsed and seems halfhearted in his recovery because it is too hard and would remind me of being with my husband. I erased the can’t and substituted won’t. I won’t live that way again. It’s my choice. Not only was it a truer wording, it made my statement less dramatic and I think helped the person accept it with more grace.