stop acting bitchy when my family is around

Well, there is gonna be a challenge this weekend!
Christmas time is a very special time, I really love it! However, like in so many families, it is also a real danger zone when it comes to start fights with family members….like I have mentioned in former entries, my sister and I haven’t had the best relationship in recent years. It makes me sad, but on the other hand I haven’t felt better since I choose to not be in close contact with her for a while. It’s the same with my mother.:( Though every Christmas I try to alternate my behaviour so that everything will be nice, my mother and sister just continue to act as passive aggressive and as neurotic as humanly possible as ever. This weekend I wi
ll actually go on a nice Christmas shopping trip with my parents. I am really looking forward to it, especially because my dad and I really have the same feeling about Christmas. Well, now my sister wants to come along too. She and I haven’t really talked half a year now and I know that she thinks (in her depressive kind of way) that nothing about that can’t be changed (especially not her behaviour). This makes me so angry/sad. To make a long story short, it’s gonna be a challenge to keep my calm and keep up my Christmas spirit.
But they won’t get me to go down that road again!!!

I acted bitchy…damn…but I haven’t acted bitchy in a long time. also, nobody cried.
it is just so hard. I am the one who is hurt but somehow I end up being the mean one…. honestly, I just don’t know what to do with myself. also, I am scared that maybe it is my temper and I am the mean one. I just don’t know what strategy is right.
I am so angry with my sister. I think she is depressive and what I don’t like is that she always pretends that she feels and acts normal. and everybody else just plays along with her! but I don’t think that is right. because if nobody says a thing than someday, the problem gets really big and everybody will say that they didn’t see it coming.
my sister’s behavior is hard for me to handle because I always have to act along with her, she, on the other hand, is completely ignorant and even expects that everyone gives her a special credit for being weird…

it’s gotten better lately. definitely easier with my brother and sister. i think with them around i just tend to get stressed out a little bit. but now that we’re older there’s not as much fighting or tension, which helps. we’ll see how it goes in march with the whole family reunion. :)

oh man, this hasn’t worked. I just yelled at my mother. I had a good reason, but it is not worth it. she will never change. she is psycho and always creates confusion and messes everything up. she doesn’t give a damn about family…this hurts me so much. I have always tried to help my parents organize their life and their finances but thy don’t want to. they always come up with terrible ideas and projects that cost money and make no sense. and the worst thing is that this jeopardizes all financial safety there is. this makes me worry and I told them so often. this is also the reason why I act bitchy around them. I can’t act normal. this is too serious. but they don’t care how much their behavior hurts me. so this really is not worth it…the worst thing is that I don’t think of them as stupid. they are intelligent people. this could all work so well.
Still I know acting like a maniac will make me unhappy. I won’t give my mother that. her mission in life seems to be to make people believe good loving relationships based on trust and understanding are not possible…there she is wrong!!!!

I was doing good for months. but this weekend I could seriously yell at my mother 24/7 :(. Instead of doing that I act bitchy to not show how her behaviour really gets to me. I am still at my parents house until tomorrow evening. So, now I still have time to act different. It is not because I feel sorry for her, because frankly I don’t think that she is innocent in creating a dark and aggressive atmosphere but I don’t want to act all negative! This is not who I am!!!!

I am a little proud…like every year around christmas I was very grumpy. This is because my family never really organizes anything and one never knows if Christmas will be great or totally aweful. Since I have realized long ago that me being grumpy increases the odds of having a terrible Christmas, I tried to change my behaveiour this year.
Since the grumpy side of me was still very strong I tried to make my family laugh about it with me…we joked around that my Cristmas mood is a little aggressive but festive ;)...this improved the atmosphere a lot!
Another thing I did was that I chose not to get in a fight with my sister. I still have to say that I never like how she behaves around Christmas, but oh well…not doing it made me feel so good.:)