I do want to do this..geesh I am so afraid of happiness because I have known so much sadness, how do I even begin?? 4 years ago

and then I read this thing. I think I may have reached a decision. Which is another thing. —Two weeks later, and still no action taken. Arrghh. 5 years ago

and finally I can say it’s done. 5 years ago

finally dropped!!!! 5 years ago

So next fall, I will be a fourth year college student. Before then I want to keep working for a while, but plan on no longer working come the first week in August. After that, I want to go on a cross country road trip. New York to New Mexico! And hopefully, my sister will join me and we will travel in a square rather than two diagonals. This will cover more areas of the country that I have never even seen. And if we are really ambitious, we will return by way of Canada. I don’t want this to be an imaginary goal but a real plan. I need to liberate myself from a job I no longer enjoy. I need to have an adventure and see new, exciting, interesting things. And in the end I want to have no regrets. 5 years ago

but I am willing to commit to the change. I will not shy away from things I want just because they might turn out badly. I won’t suffer from lack of trying. I will not be afraid of the switch from depression to happiness. I will endevour to feel more alive, rather than feeling as though I merely exist. And most importantly I will forgive myself for all the things I imagine I am lacking. Too often, I find myself “wallowing in self pity.” This time would be better spent doing anything else. 6 years ago

I’m the kind of person who can hate herself because she sometimes underestimates the gap between narrator and author.

In somebody else I’d find this trait endearing. In myself, it’s exhausting, and not a little self-destructing. 6 years ago

in life is that the Erinyes never let me alone. 6 years ago

about typography on a website for linguists and translators. I feel very strongly on the subject (French rules for capitalizing words). So does my worthy opponent. I can see her point, but I still think she’s wrong.
It shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s just a capital letter!

Well, my cheeks are flushed, my heartbeat rose to 120 bpm, and I’m… angry? hurt? 6 years ago

I just saw La Môme, the new movie about Piaf starring (an amazing) Marion Cotillard (and Pascal Greggory, yummy!). I cried my heart out, and now the question is: will I be able to live with all my ghosts? 6 years ago

I think people believe I’m much stronger than I really am.
I am strong, right.

But… that’s not a reason not to help me. I want to be weak sometimes.
I’d give anything to hear someone tell me “Hey, come here, curl in my lap, I’m turning off the light, cry, you need it, I know these last few months have been tough, and please don’t stop crying unless you really don’t feel like crying anymore.” 6 years ago

considering this goal Done. I definitely feel alive. I stopped suffering some time ago. I’m not afraid of happiness—I am happy. I have forgiven myself. I’m even forgiving people around me.
But I’m afraid if I do this everything will come back. Let’s wait a bit and see what the next months will be like.

I could replace it by something about my weird habit of falling in love with work-addicts who want me to change my lifestyle to suit theirs but won’t do the same for me. 6 years ago

I know being alive is wonderful.
I know a lot of things.
I also know that LIFE SUCKS.

^{please don’t comment on this. please.}6 years ago

I have three weeks left instead of three months to translate the last parts of the book.
My boyfriend could need me in Paris very soon.
I’m really broke at the moment.

But I need rest, I deserveneeddeserveneedwhatever to have fun and feel good.

So I’m going back to London for the week-end. Because I want to. Because I love London. Because I’ll stay with a dear friend. Because I haven’t been to the Tate Britain in years. Because Christmas shopping will be much nicer there than here.

Because I’m alive, now, and shouldn’t wait to celebrate it. I also have to stop thinking “[insert anything nice here] is too good for me, it’s only for people who are better than me”.

I’m making progress. 6 years ago

wasn’t really a big deal. an adrenaline rush, a un-injured friend (I’m so sorry, dear!), nice paramedics (they’re not so good! people from the red cross work better than these three), a painful hand for the next few days…
but i don’t feel so good. i need rest.

(sorry for the lack of capital letters. hitting the shift key hurts.) 6 years ago

Blame all future typos on the bastard who rode his car right on my arm, forearm and hand.
(And thank him for not killing me. And not hurting nobodysperfect). 6 years ago

be excruciatingly painful and breathtakingly beautiful at the same time?
Life should be hell—my life should be hell these days, I mean.
And it’s… well, it’s not.
It’s hard, and sad, and frightening. It makes me angry and sometimes bitter.
But it’s also great. Fun. Exhilarating. Full of promises.

Does it mean I am selfish? Should I be crying full time? Should I be unable to enjoy the beauty and the hope that remain?

I don’t think so. I hope not. 6 years ago

I put my penis in a toilet bowl full of ice-cold water in front of my mother because my father told me to

CLEARLY entitles me to a full lobotomy.

Doesn’t it? 6 years ago

Googling your boyfriend is normal.

Well, in my world it is.

Bt Google Imaging your boyfriend just proves you are stupid. Do I need, in the present circumstances, pictures of him when he was beeeeep and beeeeeep and with beeeeeep? Do I need pictures of him doing stuff he won’t be doing anymore? Do I need pictures of Beeeeeeep?

I do not.

Saving the pictures on my hard drive, on the other hand, doesn’t prove I’m stupid. It proves I’m a masochist. 6 years ago

My crazy family recently turned totally psycho, and I just felt desperate. When I told him “What am I supposed to do?”, he answered “Why would you want to do anything?”
I was speechless.

He then answered my “yes, but…” by a wonderful “What are you afraid of?”
He’s so right. I’m not afraid of anything re. my family. Having nothing to fear, well, I may just as well stop worrying and focus on what’s important—the other bad stuff I’m dealing with.

It’s weird, really. Really bad things are happening, and I feel better than I used to when everything was okay-ish. 6 years ago

I really need to fix me. 6 years ago

bad news to love life more.
Let’s just hope the recent bad news weren’t intended to teach me this. (Just joking. Of course they weren’t.) 6 years ago

“I don’t deserve it” and stuff, but I just bought myself the most beautiful scooter in the entire universe.

From now on, time is my oyster. 6 years ago

cheered me (a while ago) and gave me amazing advice.
which i am currently following.
and feeling great.
im not going to take this off my list yet,
but i want to say i love myself now.
and i don’t care what anyone else thinks.
i got….unfortunate news yesterday,
but i’m doing fine.
=] 6 years ago

I’m going.

I could stay and go crazy. I would prefer not to. 6 years ago

or should I go?”

Dunno.

My publisher called today to tell me they just sent some changes on my texts. It’s urgent, as usual. 6 years ago

huge step today. 6 years ago

why can’t i be who i want to be.
who he wants me to be?

i’m a pro at falling short.
any advice?? 6 years ago

trying not to hate myself (with only mitigated success).
Feeling an urge to hurt people who like/love me.
Feeling that people who love me were wrong, and were either lying or blind, because I obviously deserve no love.
Feeling that I can’t be trusted, and that people who rely on me should not.

Then, in the depths of night, it struck me.

It’s the first week of August. Marie, don’t you ever learn? 6 years ago