achieve self-actualization

talking about what happened monday and how i was handling it.
watching metalocalypse
and that thing about frictionless pool.
realizing that
this is my 8th grade ex boyfriend.
and since then, we really only talked the last semester of senior year
and that he’s the one who has really been here for me since everything happened.
realizing that
even when i feel totally and completely alone
he’s there for me.

all of my friends, sitting in an arc around the hookah and the n64. looking at all of them – corey, swisher, taka, pedro, tanya, trina, danielle. laughing. there’s smoke everywhere. we’re all LOLing over some silly n64 thing. laughing the entire night about taka loving dogs and the stupid cardboard box, buying shaving cream, getting all excited because toilet paper was on sale. another great night out with my friends, making me realize just how awesome life is.

i first really heard about self actualization was reading the princess diaries.a little silly, right? but since then, i’ve CRAVED that feeling. and i’ve felt it.

i feel it when i’m driving in the car with friends, on a rainy night belting out song lyrics, even if we’re way off key [unless you’re corey. he’s always amazing for some reason.] i feel it playing old n64 games with people i love. i feel it after a good day at my job, which i love. i feel it after finishing writing a really good story. which, okay, i’ve only done once. but you know.

so, my theory is that self actualization isn’t really a goal, but a process. a recurring event throughout life, those moments where you can just let go, feel the moment in you and outside you and all around you. it’s a step after a step, like taking a nice long walk.

and i’mma record this bitch, every step of the way!

it is the result of everything else in my to do list…
the final piece of the puzzle.

sdsds

this would be nice. just be pure me

School wipes me out. At the end of the day I come back to my room and literally collapse. The more I sit in class and listen to my profs babble on about their respective (boring) subjects, the more I wonder WHY I’m in college at all, and how any of it is going to help me in the long run. Oh sure, getting a job would be nice…but that can’t be all there is to it, is there? Seems an awful waste of time just for a little slip of paper that says that I’ve expanded my mind sufficiently to become a slave to society’s machine.

I’ve come to believe that we CAN’T consciously change who we are: we can only change our behaviors, and that is a completely different thing. If we could change truly change people, why would we not take all the pedophiles and rapists and fascist dictators and make them into law-abiding citizens? We obviously can’t do that, and so the field of psychiatry is largely concerned with using drugs and mind games to trick us into behaving in ways society deems acceptable; and yet, how many people, even with extensive therapy, are still depressed, tired, and plagued by the same problems that they were trying to resolve in the first place?

That’s another thing: I find it difficult to believe that millions of years of evolution has led to a human species where some insanely huge number of beings suffer chemical imbalances of the brain. Is it possible that humans are just meant to be generally miserable? Is it possible that we’re just not hard-wired for happiness all the time, and that we’d do well to accept that and try to get along as best we can; is it possible that modern society is incompatible with how we are built as a species and that every step forward in human achievement causes us more agony and pain? Buddhism teaches that desire is the root of all suffering, and that to eliminate desire will eliminate suffering. But is that really possible? Can we truly rid ourselves of our desires, or can we only bury them?

I suppose all of this relates to my current apathy regarding my classes, my future, etc. I wake up every morning and ask myself, what’s the point? Why am I here? How is this making my life better? And what is my contribution to the rest of the world? I can’t give good answers to those questions. But, I feel like I’m squandering precious time around here.

I’m sick of the treadmill. I want off.

1) Plato sucks.
2) My BSing skills are intact.
3) Bringing up the topic of women’s rights IMMEDIATELY divides the class into males v. females. Guys are idiots when it comes to this topic.
4) “Because I believe it” is an argument that cannot be refuted, especially when discussing the existence/non-existence of a divine being.
5) Watching Donnie Darko is (still) like a massive acid trip.

Looks like studying the great masters of Western thought is not going to help me out in this department. This is partly my fault: If I could just stay focused long enough to get through an entire section of Kant or Khun then maybe I would be making progress. In my defense, no one told the philosophers to write in that overly verbose, flourishing style that Mr. Nathaniel Hawthorne so lovingly embraced (ugh). You would think that philosophy, if its ultimate goal is to better humankind, would have been written so that humans would, you know, want to read it. I, personally, will be only too happy when the class is over and I can get back to my plant genetics project. Which leaves me, as I said, back to square one on this goal, but what can I do? At least the next time someone accuses me of looking down on the liberal arts I can spit out some Socratic-type response about knowledge and truth and the “Form of Good,” etc. So there.

According the the Psych notes I should be studying, the reason I am not anywhere near to completing this goal is because I am stuck on level 3 and 4 of Maslow’s “heirarchy of needs.”

From my notes:
3) Belongingness/Love – be loved and give love; belong and be accepted; avoid lonliness and alienation.
4) Esteem – self-esteem; achievement; competence; independence; repsect; recognition

No. 3 seems to be my Achilles’ heel, but I knew that already. No. 4 I’ve got down, or at least as much as I can have down at this point in my life.

Fewer than 1% of the total population ever achieves true self-actualization. Maslow’s examples are Einstein, William James, and Lincoln. Eek. I’d better get cracking. Those are pretty big shoes to fill. :O

My friend and I were driving home tonight from Barnes & Noble and for some reason we were both in really nostalgic moods, and we kept bringing up all the crazy things that happened in high school. And for a minute I felt really old and tired, like I’d lived my life and was gazing back on ages of dusty history. Then I gave myself a mental pinch for being so melodramatic.

It was a hard moment to describe, but it was worth mentioning.