After he’s done coming & going I’ll mark this as “DONE”. 4 years ago
Things I’m going to miss…
The way he notices when I have smudges on my glasses
He is really good at working on a car
Our “green-laser-beam” (we’re psychically connected in a really weird way)
The financial security (because of his parents)
Things I’m not going to miss…
How he’s ALWAYS checking other women out
Never being able to pick out what I watch (when going to the movies AND when we’re at home)
Being told I’m too anti-social, I’m lazy, I’m boring. I don’t clean enough. I don’t enjoy cleaning enough.
Him always picking apart everything I cook. “I like this, but…”
Always being reminded no one likes indecisive people
Being forced to make decisions when I just want someone else to take control
He hates my family
He hates my close relationship with my kid brother
Running into a brick wall over and over again
5 vs 9… 4 years ago
So last night I was headed to my parents house for the week and the waste of flesh wanted to talk. I don’t want to talk dammit!! If I wanted to talk, we’d talk. Since we don’t, he should assume that I don’t freggin want to. Ya dig? BUT, since he wanted to, we did. It was sad. It was kinda painful. But above all, it was awkward. I found out he hasn’t loved me for at least two years, which really pissed me off. I mean, I tried my ass off and stuck around for someone who didn’t even give a shit about me?! Totally infuriating. He also kept on saying “Well, it’s over now. There isn’t even a chance anymore. Right? Right? There isn’t a chance, right?”. THAT was annoying. In then end of all of it (after TWO hours), he opened the door for me and sorta leaned in (like he wanted to hug or kiss me or something) and with my to-go bag in one arm and some presents in the other I stepped back and said “Just remember, this is exactly what you wanted”, and I walked out the door. 5 years ago
He’s putting in his 30-days notice today I believe. I’m over him 100%. I don’t really hate him, I don’t feel any emotion toward him at this point. I don’t love him anymore – I guess I never really loved him all that much in the first place. He was a rebound and I spent the whole time I was with him trying to love him. Trying to make him love me. It was all very tiring. Four years of being exhausted. It’s amazing how happy I am right now. 5 years ago
“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.”
- Janis Joplin
... Don’t compromise myself because someone thinks I’m making a mistake. Don’t stick with the horrible because the unknown could be a shitstorm. Don’t let someone’s negativity get the best of me… 5 years ago
The guy who I’m probably going to move in is my ex, from before the w.o.f (waste-of-flesh), he’s the “one that got away”. Things were awesome but I was 18 and a tad crazy so he split – I mean, I was making minimum wage (working like, a dozen hours a week, if that), couldn’t drive, still lived with my parents, and wanted us to get married – so yea I was cuckoo. When he left I hooked up with w.o.f rather quickly and w.o.f was just supposed to be a rebound, a fling to make me forget a little bit. Me and the one that got away started talking 6 months into the supposed-to-be-rebound relationship and we decided breaking up was a mistake and we should give it another shot. I tried to break up with w.o.f (barely 6 months into it, maybe even less), and he threatened to kill himself. I should have known then that I needed to end it as soon as possible. Buuuuuuuut I didn’t. Tried to, but each time I’d get bored or distracted and end up back with WOF. SO, fast-forward 4 years. The one that got away had a kid (accidentally), and has been with the mother of the child for the past 3 years, trying to make it work for the munchkin, which is commendable. Without any influence from me, his munchkin’s mom calls it quits and tells him he needs to find a new place to live. At the SAME TIME w.o.f let me know it was over. Talk about timing. So I asked w.o.f if it’d be okay night before last if the ex moved in. At first he thought I was joking (hell, after all that’s come between me and the ex I half thought I was joking too), but when he realized I wasn’t he was like “Sure, it’s another body to take over the lease.
Then today came around.
I’ve been really good about not hating him. Til today. I told him he needs to give his 30-day notice to our leasing company and he just poured aaaaaaaall the negativity he could possibly muster all over me.
“This is the biggest mistake of your life”
“It’s all going to crumble around you”
“You’re walking into a shitstorm”
“This is so amusing, you are so predictable”
My responses… that I didn’t actually say but kinda wish I had…
- YES, I know this could very well be a mistake, but it’s totally not the biggest mistake of my life, signing that lease with you took that trophy
- I’m glad you are so happy for me
- Wish me luck as I walk into said “shitstorm”
- And, what can I say? I like consistency.
Okay, so moving in with my long-ago ex isn’t the most mature idea, BUT IT WORKS. I need a roommate, he needs a roommate, viola! I mean, it’s just sorta working out kinda. We still seem to get along. We always did, on a friend level. Friends who were horribly in love with eachother, but friends nonetheless.Whether we’ll try anything romantical or not 1. Is none of the waste-of-flesh’s business and 2. Hasn’t been decided yet. I’m so angry at him for being so negative. HE’S the one that didn’t want to live with ME. HE’S the one who said every day for 2 weeks that it’s not going to work, it’s never going to work, bla bla bla.
He doesn’t want to live with me but he seems to think he can decide who “should” live with me… How the HELL is that fair?
And that is why I hate him. 5 years ago
I decided to ask him last night about my “status”, oh that did not go over as I hoped it would. Apparently I’m single in the sense that I’m not with him, but not in the sense that I can date other people. And, uh, where’s my burka? 5 years ago
I referred to myself as his ex-girlfriend today. He didn’t object. That’s a step in the right direction. 5 years ago
On the serious roommate hunt. I need to get someone new moved in here QUICK so I can be done with him. He’s started being sweet again lately and I’m not having any of that crap. He’s always sweet after a breakup and, like he said so bluntly “It’s never going to work out so why should we keep on trying? We shouldn’t have to try this hard”... The good thing is, he’s still an asshole, so hopefully I won’t slip back into being “okay” with being with him. He’s always angry, he ignores me more often than not, etc. I’m spending Christmas with my parents. Hopefully that will get the message across that I’m absolutely done with him. I don’t want to say “We’re over, we’re not a couple anymore” because I have a feeling he’d start sleeping around and I don’t think I could deal with that. So anyways, yeah, I need a roommate. Bigtime. 5 years ago
Okay, so I was a little ahead of myself with the moving out idea. NO. CAN. DO. If we break the lease we are responsible for the remainder of the lease (oh, about, $8,900). BULLSHIT. So the boyfriend is very gung-ho in figuring out a way around this, while I’m looking for a roommate. I really, really, really hope he can figure out how we can get out of it – I was sort of looking forward to moving back home (sort of). I’m cool with finding a roommate too though, I just want him gone so damn bad. I can’t stand living under the same roof as him… Not just because we don’t go together as well as we once did, but because he’s SO against living with me. He hurts my feelings every time he turns around, either by bitching about the lease or by just plain acting like I don’t exist. Hurtful, verrry hurtful. So, wish me luck on the roommate hunt =) And if anyone knows any tricks on how to get out of a crappy lease, let me know =D 5 years ago
he’s doing all this breaking up stuff because of the encouragement from his uncle. His uncle who, before a couple weeks ago, he hadn’t seen in 14 years or so. His uncle who’s been divorced 4 times. His uncle who doesn’t have any contact with his entire family. Awesome role model, eh? He’s even using phrases his uncle told him to tell me. Spineless bastard.
So, to one up him I think I’m going to move out next weekend. Move back in with my folks. I’ll hang out with him as usual this weekend, we’re going to go see a few movies and whatnot. Come Sunday morning 8 days from now I’ll have all my shit packed and I’ll be outta here. His parents paid our deposit, so I’m not losing a damn thing. Right now I’m okay with screwing his parents out of a deposit, and out of my share of our last month’s rent (which they’ll have to fork up when I’m gone). They raised this loser, they should have known he can’t function as an adult. I’m on the lease so this could technically come back to bite me in the ass, but I don’t think it will. His parents are the biggest enablers I’ve ever met (well, his mother is anyways), so they’ll take care of all of it. Like they do with everything else.
I just seriously can’t wait for him to miss me. They all do. Every little ex I’ve had has come “crawling back” and some of them I’ve given second chances, some of them I’ve felt sorry for, some of them I’ve tried to become friends with. But not him. I will laugh so hard and I will feel SO good when he realizes how much he lost. I mean, maybe he won’t be like the others. Maybe he won’t want me back eventually. And that’ll be fine too. I’m not going to wait around for it or anything, if it happens, it happens.
Now onto two new goals – get my car checked out by a professional (get my oil changed too, since it’s going to be commuting 400 miles a week for 4 or 5 months), and save up enough money for a deposit by March. Oh yeah, and start asking the fates of the world to make sure my car lasts strong the next 4 or 5 months.
I can do this. I am okay with this. 5 years ago
And we are breaking the lease. I don’t know when but in his own words “I have to make some changes in my life right now and I need to be alone for a while.”. Yeah, so awesome. This has been such a waste. 4.5 years down the drain because he doesn’t know what he wants in life. Ugh this SUCKS. Upside is, when I’m depressed I don’t really eat so maybe the next couple of months will go good weight-wise =D. I don’t do “single” well. Which is probably why I’ve been in a relationship that’s been more than loveless for quite some time. He’s had his moments though, and when we’re discussing the future (well, our separate futures that is…), all I can think about are those moments. All of our vacations together, when he helped me move out of my parents house for the first time, when i got in my accident and he ran to me and held me and said he couldn’t imagine his life without me, when we moved into our house together… All those times we were so strong. And now, we’re nothing. I feel like an absolute failure. He’s become such a part of me and I think that’s what hurts the most. It’s not like I really even love him anymore most of the time, it’s just that our lives are so intertwined it’s like losing a big chunk of myself. I really wish we had never moved in together. It took me months to get used to living with him, I know it’s going to take months to get un-used to it. I’m dreading those months. Dreading them like I’ve never dreaded anything else in my life. Lol, I’m going to be moving back in with my parents for Christmas… How awful is that? Eesh I wish I could just stop crying. I miss the old him so much. I miss all those moments so much. I just want that back. Buuuuuut it’s gone. And that hurts like woah. 5 years ago
This was one of my main goals around this time last year, on my old account. And I decided strongly to “make it work” at that point in my life… I kinda wish I had kept those entries so I could see how I did it. Or, why I did it. Or, whatever. This isn’t really a “make it work” goal, as much as it’s just a “let it go” (and make it work as much as it has to…). I figured it’d be nice to have it under the same goal as it was before – for consistency (lol). I’m kinda tired of venting in the “post randomly” goal since it’s gotten less and less “random”. Anywho, all my boy troubles will be posted here from now on.
I’m pretty sure we’re waiting out the lease. Why? Who knows. He’s all mentally unstable and doesn’t want to have to “deal with it” right now. I know, I know, cohabitating with someone who’s mentally unstable isn’t the best idea but yeah… I’m doing it anyways. Part of me wants to rip it off like a Band-Aid, but the other part doesn’t want to break him to pieces. He’s unhappy with me, but he’s miserable without me. And he’s miserable due to circumstances I have nothing to do with, so I really don’t want to add to that. Not right now anyways. He knows very clearly that I have no intention of re-signing the lease, and he knows no matter what he does that won’t change. So we’re like roommates who sleep together once every couple weeks. It’s so weird. But I can deal. 5 years ago
I’ve been wavering back and forth about this. Sometimes I think that we may be able to work it out. But most of the time I’m… well, realistic. The thing that is holding me back from ending the relationship is that he is my best friend. I don’t want to lose that. It just doesn’t feel right giving up on everything that we had. But had is the key word there. We’re more like friends now anyway.
And I realized something… I can’t judge us, as a couple, by the times where everything was happy and fun. I have to judge us honestly. That means I have to look at the last year and look at the one time where we’ve had an argument that we couldn’t work out. And I have to look at the way he’s handled that situation. And I know without a doubt in my heart that I can’t deal with his way of handling it at all. So what happens when I’m ready for kids and he’s not? Or I’m ready to buy another house and he’s not?
I need to end things. But it’s just such a huge step. And I will probably lose my best friend. 6 years ago
I’m all moved out and moved into my new place and unpacked. Things were going well until we got in a fight yesterday. It’s over something trivial but the way we both handled it just shows that we have a ton of problems to work out. We’ll see what happens. 6 years ago
I’ve been kind of absent for four-ish days. Guess I should get around to explaining.
D and I have been fighting. A lot. I’d like to get married. Not tomorrow, but eventually. And have babies. Not tomorrow, but eventually. And he’s not ready. At all. And… it’s led to a lot of resentment on both ends. So, we’ve been fighting. A lot.
I’d decided to just end the relationship and move out and move on with my life. He wants me to stay. We can’t come to an agreement that’s satisfactory to both of us. I’m going to move out because right now I can’t handle the fighting and the resentment at all. But I guess I’m willing to try and make things work while living separately. But he doesn’t believe me and is convinced that once I move out I will end our relationship. So that’s where we’re at for now.
It’s been hugely stressful trying to find a place that I can afford on my own in a safe area. And trying to pack. All while living with someone who really doesn’t want me to move out at all. And fighting with that person.
And, I guess I’m kind of depressed because of it all. I mean, I didn’t want our relationship to fail. And I wanted to move forward together rather than move out. But I can’t (and won’t) push someone into something that they aren’t ready for. So for now I feel like the best thing for me to do is back off and let him make the next move.
But we’re having to split the dogs up because of it. Wrigley is too big for an apartment and he IS D’s dog. And, Chico’s my dog, he came into the house with me and he’s leaving with me. But Chico and I are both going to miss Wrigley a lot. I could take him with me. D would let me and the apartment complex is fine with it but I just don’t feel like it’s the best thing for him. So… that’s depressing.
So… yeah… I don’t know what’s going to happen but that’s what this goal is for. And because I felt bad for not sharing. But if you don’t see me around much for the next week or so… I have a lot going on. I despise packing. And moving. And I have to do it. So, I’m not in a great move. Forgive me. I still love y’all lots. 6 years ago