Figure out what I want

I think that i’ve figured out that what i really want is to not be so unsure about things. So, i’m crossing this off of my list.

I’m pretty miserable with myself. Unsure why…a state of being. This site doesn’t promote suicide so I thought I’d try to figure out what I may enjoy.

Mostly out of a career.
Cause honestly. I have no fucking clue.

I have a lot of things I would really like to do,\ but the hardest part is choosing. I am unable to do everything I would like to do, so it is neccesary to make decisions. I don’t know yet though. I keep kicking the moment to choose ahead of me. I am not ready to face the fact that there are limits to my abilities.

I realized (more fully) that I am a pleaser. I don’t have enough opinions of my own…preferences. I do things to make others happy. I can’t even pick out art to hang on my walls. I am afraid others won’t like it. Why? It is my apt. WTF? I hate this.

I think my problem is that I don’t even know what I want?? How to do it?? And how to begin?!
I dun know and I really need to know..
I dun know how but um waiting for sth to make me realize what i want to do finally!!

I want to meet some of my online friends in the real world.

In due course :)

I want an Attic tetradrachm.

I want to make my testudinary way across Europe. Then America.

Ideally, anything that really broadens my horizons is something I want. I know I want to see the world, I know I want to learn as much as I can about other cultures, I know I want to further my education for the rest of my life. But how to do it? Mathematics has always been a passion of mine, but how do I mix Quantum Physics with religion? How do I discover the edge of the universe and not question my faith? How do I look at Black Holes, Deep Space, Possible life in other galaxies without questioning my religion? Will I let this continue to hold me back? And what about life on THIS planet? Other people fascinate me, learning as many different personality types, seeing people in various environments intrigues me. Psychology and history pique my interest like nothing else. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I do it? What am I even asking? Fear holds me back as well. Do I want to know the truth? What am I hoping to find? AUGH! What do I want???