Figure out what I want

I figured out one of the reasons I have so many problems with this goal, and it’s that I can never know the source of my feelings of dissatisfaction.

When I started college, I hated the major I had (more or less randomly) chosen. I hated the subject matter, hated that I wasn’t any good at it, didn’t click with my fellow students. But I could never trust that my unhappiness would clear up if I switched. I had been crazy and depressed all my life, and I subscribed to the idea that most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. If I changed majors to something I thought I liked better, I’d lose time and money, and I’d have fewer reasonably lucrative career options once I got out—and I couldn’t be sure that I’d be any happier. So I never did switch. That one, I think, was the right decision.

I was miserable for the first three years of graduate school. I fantasized about getting in the car and driving across the country, back home, every day. But I could imagine myself with a new life, just as miserable, regretting the free-ride Ph.D. at a great school that I just threw away. So I slogged it out. I still have no idea if that was the right decision. I don’t know how I could know.

And now, certain things about my job are getting me down. And again, I can’t trust myself, because I believe that the dissatisfaction would just attach to whatever’s going on in my life. Can I really throw away this fairly low-stress job with great colleagues and great students?

I see myself as reckless and ballsy, but that’s at odds with how conservative I am about changing my life. At this point, my desire to shake things up is just an unproductive distraction, because I’m incapable of doing anything about it.

to be 28 and have absolutely no idea what I want in life? I have no long-term goals whatsoever and nothing that I’m striving toward. I’m just trying to do as well as I can at my job, keep my marriage and friendships strong, and keep my mental and physical ailments at bay.

That said, I’m not content. I just haven’t figured out why, but I’m thinking a lot.

Long term, it’s near impossible to say. What do I really want from life, and how am I going to get there? (And will I ever begin to enjoy the journey?)

Short term, it’s more that I know what I DON’T want. Did you ever spend six years training to be something, and then decide it’s not what you want to be? I have. So… one winds up in a ‘stop gap’ job – for more than two years. Yeah. Oh, I WANT to jump ship. I do. But I see no other vessels on the horizon just yet. Probably because i don’t know what I want... (sigh…)

I guess what I REALLY don’t want, is to still be here in a years time still complaining about what I don’t want. But that’s exactly how I felt last year, and the year before.

I want to illustrate, create, and to WRITE! I know, right? Everyone thinks they’re a writer. But I have this feeling about it that’s been bugging me for years, and it gets stronger every day. I have no real idea what to write about. I have no protagonist. I have no plot. I have no idea where to start. But I want to.

I want to feel like I’m doing something worthwhile, and to feel valued and appreciated.

I want to meet and work with great people. Not petty small town bitches and guys who tell fart jokes.

I want a nice lifestyle. I don’t want to have to continually worry about my bank balance. I want to be able to earn enough to be independent and have my own home…

I want space.

I want time.

Heck. Throw in a continuum!

I think that i’ve figured out that what i really want is to not be so unsure about things. So, i’m crossing this off of my list.

I’m pretty miserable with myself. Unsure why…a state of being. This site doesn’t promote suicide so I thought I’d try to figure out what I may enjoy.

Mostly out of a career.
Cause honestly. I have no fucking clue.

I have a lot of things I would really like to do,\ but the hardest part is choosing. I am unable to do everything I would like to do, so it is neccesary to make decisions. I don’t know yet though. I keep kicking the moment to choose ahead of me. I am not ready to face the fact that there are limits to my abilities.

I realized (more fully) that I am a pleaser. I don’t have enough opinions of my own…preferences. I do things to make others happy. I can’t even pick out art to hang on my walls. I am afraid others won’t like it. Why? It is my apt. WTF? I hate this.

I think my problem is that I don’t even know what I want?? How to do it?? And how to begin?!
I dun know and I really need to know..
I dun know how but um waiting for sth to make me realize what i want to do finally!!

Ideally, anything that really broadens my horizons is something I want. I know I want to see the world, I know I want to learn as much as I can about other cultures, I know I want to further my education for the rest of my life. But how to do it? Mathematics has always been a passion of mine, but how do I mix Quantum Physics with religion? How do I discover the edge of the universe and not question my faith? How do I look at Black Holes, Deep Space, Possible life in other galaxies without questioning my religion? Will I let this continue to hold me back? And what about life on THIS planet? Other people fascinate me, learning as many different personality types, seeing people in various environments intrigues me. Psychology and history pique my interest like nothing else. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I do it? What am I even asking? Fear holds me back as well. Do I want to know the truth? What am I hoping to find? AUGH! What do I want???