Let the big D come. Sucks in many ways, as I never envisioned myself being divorced, never ever… and those who know me, you know I’ve always advocated marriage is a sacred commitment.
It’s scary being on my own. But on the flip side of the coin, freedom. The reminder of who I am living in the big sea, outside of the fishbowl of a doctor’s wife in a small town. The flip side of the coin is exhilarating.
I can be a big fish in a small bowl, and only swim a certain way and show colors in a certain way, or I can make myself a big fish in an ocean, at least I think big, and be vibrant and swim any way I want. Life is beginning and I’m ready for it. It almost feels like life has been waiting for me and I was on pause for so many years. I’ve pressed play.
For so long I was wrapped up in something that wasn’t me. I’m no longer too loud, too eccentric, too brainy, too outrageous, too me. I no longer think too quickly so that I have to slow that thinking down for others. I am me! I dress the way I want, I say what I want, and I love who I love. I am me. And you know what… I really like me and I like where I’m at. Liberating as it is, it is RIGHT WHERE I’M SUPPOSE TO BE.
I want to make mistakes. I want to know what happens when I push this or that button of life. I want to shine by pushing those same buttons too!
The trick is to bring all the things that I loved from the girl that was and merge them with the woman that I love today. Scary and amazing at the same time. Again, I’m ready.
I’m a bit afraid of self absorption right now, but you know I’ve been so infused in an absorption that had not a thing to do with what my goals in life were that… ya… it’s a bit of me time. I question myself if that is truly absorption or finding who I am right now.
Given the history, dating I’m ready for, and I’ve been on one or two… I think. Amazing really, putting the feelers out, gaining my footing and grounding. What are the rules at this stage of the game… does a person go all out (which is the most fun) or not? I love my rules, and I don’t have any… bit frustrating on that point… don’t ya know I don’t like grey… I need rules to proceed… any input is good. Sigh… this too shall work itself out rightly I’m thinking.
Dating is good… commitment not so good. I’ve been committed for nearly 14, or is that 15 years… Yes that makes me a teenager on my last date where dinner and a movie were involved… Or is commitment good on a certain grey level?
I HATE grey.
And friends, you all are wonderful! Old and new alike. You’ve circled your wagons around and protected. You’ve lifted me up and above what was. You’ve let me shine. You’ve been a shoulder when most needed. You will continue to do so… this I know. I’m so humbled by you, all of you. You are amazing. You keep me busy and occupied… and when not busy and occupied you make me busy and occupied. I’m grateful!
And the fishbowl continues… with little input of mine. Conjecture. Assumptions. Insinuations. I just laugh. Really, my life is an apparent soap opera and quite dramatic from what I hear of the rumors. My God… Days of Our Lives oughta start a story line loosely based off of my life now. Just as I’ve always done… you walk right through it…. Hit it face on and keep going forward.
But even with all of this. I can’t stop but think that I am exactly where I need to be to enter the next stage of my life. It’s been waiting and I’m so ready to enter.
