I wanted to write this to whomever might come across it. I just wanted to say that at 14 I remember someone telling me in passing that I was getting “chubby”. It shot through me and something changed. I began trying to restrict my food intake and to throw up. Then I found out that throwing up could lead to heart attack and or other pretty severe things. So I decided to brainwash myself to be disgusted by food and eventually it worked. I became “thin” and felt very content. There were problems of course that came along with it, low blood pressure, cold all the time, getting sick easier, joint pain, headaches, cavities, etc… I would be what is referred to as a “controled” anorexic. This would last until I was 30. A lot of things come from this lifestyle that you don’t ever really hear about unless you do the research or go to treatment for it. Things like you hair thinnning and falling out, an increase of body hair on your arms, chest, face and stomach, and a whole bunch of other lovely things. But the worst is when you get “to thin”, (even though you never think you are), and you realize that your life is in serious danger….then comes the moment that you find out it is no longer “you” calling the shots. You will try to eat and you will find that you can’t and you will watch yourself then begin to waste away to nothing. There will be no “comfortable” way to sit or lay, because it will always hurt. There won’t be any energy to do the things you used to love, the things that being “thin” gave you unlimited energy to do before. The days of your emotions being under as much control as your food intake will be gone. Your emotions will be all over the place and the thought of death won’t seem so bad.
This was my life. At 31, 5 ft. 5 in. tall, I weighed in at 90 pounds and my heart would race and skip without any warning. The best thing I was facing was loosing my career and the worst was my life. Thankfully, because of the encouragement of a friend I began group therapy and would find over the course of the next couple of years the “root causes” behind my “weight perception” and solutions that have changed my life.
Most importantly I found that the food and the weight were NEVER the real problem. They were just the symptoms and failing solutions to the real problem. So, what was the real problem? “Self esteem.” I viewed myself as never being good enough. I tried, by using things in my control, to attempt to change how I felt about myself and how I viewed myself. It is really different for everyone. And recovery is an extreamly personal journey that is SO WORTH the trip!
Today life is really good. My perception of my physical appearance is still difficult at times, but overall my joy is not dictated by my perception of my appearance. It is my sincere hope that for anyone reading this that is pursuing the goal of “perfect thinness” that you would consider another venue of feeling good about yourself, because the alternative is NOT worth it. :)
