Do 'Morning Pages' for 1 year, (DE 12/08 – DE 11/09) ... then more?

Completing this goal (DE 11/09) was a glorious pat-on-back for me! (Truth be told I’m still Very pleased with me.) What’s even better is that I have continued since then to do 3 long hand, stream-of-consciousness pages every single day:) … even though I didn’t have to!!!

I haven’t committed to doing another year of Pages every day. The pressure of every-single-day for another 365 (okay 355, at this point) is just too big for me to want to take on, right now. I have other goals that need total commitment. After all there’s only so much time in a day and my plate, like everyone’s is really full. (For me, Morning Pages takes 30 – 45 minutes to do.)

Doing Morning Pages, at this time, is kind of keeping me in the habit for hosting the next Julia Cameron 12 week program – Walking in this World. We’re doing the meet & greet on TH JA 21/10 and then starting the following Thursday. This time, some of the artist’s are participating via Skype. Soooooooo exciting:))

That program too requires a commitment of Morning Pages, weekly Artist Dates and weekly Walks. I kinda figure I’m ‘on a roll’ at this point. I’ll just keep trying to ride the momentum – at least until Walking in this World is complete – AP 15/10.

Oh! I forgot. The end of Walking in this World, like The Artist’s Way challenges each artist to keep the ‘Basic Tools’ which includes Morning Pages for 90 days after the end of the program. By then I’ll be more than 6 months with this! Then, my Self will be talking me into “Well, a year and a half. Ya might as well go for a full 2 years.” (Be quiet. I don’t want to hear that.)

I am visibly proud of myself!:)))))))))))))))))) Completing this goal really challenged my ability to stick with something that needed to be nourished every-single-day. And I struck the proverbial home-run! Yeah Me!

Consistency, especially to that degree, is Not my strong suit. (Except for kids, for some reason I am magnificently consistent with kids. Go figure.) There were, many times, many days-in-a-row that I had to drag myself to the journal and ‘blah-blah-bitch-bitch’ my way through the 3 pages. In a way the experience was the same as my 1st year quitting smoking. Hummmm! Anyway, it is Done!

So, now the question—do I continue? Do I want to reward this good, soul-feeding, habit with a break? Do I want to fake myself out? I’ll be hosting Walking in This World (JA -AP 2010). It will require the commitment to Morning Pages too, in addition to a weekly artist date and a weekly walk.

I don’t know about this keeping going—forever and ever. Is it worth it? Will this discipline be the tool that teaches me how to apply discipline to other parts of me that need good habits?

This day’s morning pages were filled with a sense of drawing close to the finish line. I was elated and anxious and proud and … wrong!!! What the heck? It’s true! My count is off! (Aargh!) Does that mean I’m not actually close to the finish line! No. I know I’ve never missed a day.

Somehow, in my daily numbering of morning page days (since DE 12/08) I lost / gained 3 days! DE 11 should be the last day required for me to authentically accomplish this goal. And I am determined to meet the challenge. But, (okay it’s petty) for some reason Not seeing that day #365 on DE 11/09 is a bit of a bummer. The goal of an entire year of morning pages, every day in a row, with the #365 on the top of the page has been like a little badge in my mind.

(Okay. Now, I’m a little . . . a lot ridiculous – even to me. So. I’m gonna stop here and ‘get over myself’ and go back to focusing on the actual goal – the value of Morning Pages in the life of a Creative and the discipline of keeping the habit.)

6 days to go! woo hoo

… after all this time! Coming within easy reach of the 1 year, without missing a day, mark (DE 11/09) and today, I’m just Not into it. So, instead of doing today’s pages (it’s already 11:30 am) I’m procrastinating, making deals with God, justifying blowing the whole thing off. My ‘inner child’ doesn’t want to do the discipline necessary to keep the good, nourishing, happy-making, creative-growth inducing … habit. I DON”T CARE!!!

Okay, I do care. Part of me cares. That part isn’t the part that can pick up a pen a get it done … Argh. I’m tired. I can be satisfied with doing almost a year in a row. I have things to do! Look at this place! It’s a mess. How can I concentrate on doing Morning Pages with things scattered everywhere? I need coffee. I need a rum and coke! (okay now that’s ridiculous – out of control) I need cookies. I need to stop whining and go to the book.

okay … maybe

I’m still on track. (yeah) – haven’t missed even one day and closing in on a full year of doing Morning Pages!

It feels fabulous and empowering and triumphant. I’m proud and inspired and thankful to Julia Cameron for insights discovered through the process. I see my gremlins more clearly. I’m more aware of what triggers discipline tantrums that end up preventing creative brilliance – or at least creative openness.

It’s a grounding, yet uplifting ritual that has brought me to my knees and to my tippy-toes.

Hard to believe. Hard to fathom. Hard to put into words. This is, I think, my 5th or 6th attempt to do Morning Pages, every day, in a row, for a year. I have had plenty of times within other attempts when I had to ‘play catch up’ because of a missed day here and there. There have been many times that I got 3 days behind and had to write 12 pages to catch back up to feeling like I hadn’t bailed. I always knew it wasn’t what Julia Cameron (The Artists Way) intended for this Basic Tool, but being human is being imperfect.

This time, I haven’t missed a single day and had to play catch up. I’ve certainly whined and raged my way though some days. I’ve had to have TV on in the background to get through the days when the night before was sleepless and I was draggin’ my butt. With all that cursing Julia Cameron and myself, and the world, and, and, and I have kept the commitment, without fail for 290 days in a row!!!!!!!!! And, as always, i see the great deal this is for me as a Creative.

It grounds, and props up and is freeing to my spirit and my words, and my ability to believe in myself when I am Not producing any art and when I am producing, but the quality is questionable and even especially when I looooovvvveeeee what I’ve done, but nobody else is even interested.

Yesterday, my morning pages were something straight out of the creative life of a fully awake, fully functioning, brilliantly inspired, totally ‘on’ Creative!!! It was a thing of beauty all around. What a tremendous joy! Today, I am still oozing out all over from the bursting with creative juice.

Anyone who knows me, even a little, knows that I mostly struggle with ‘having to do’ morning pages. There are days when I just (force myself to) settle down and get it done. This is as opposed to whining and fighting and calling Julia Cameron (author of the Artist’s Way who insists that the practice of doing morning pages is invaluable as a tool of the working Artist) all sorts of ‘bad’ names. And there days of pages filled with insight and ideas. They don’t happen often enough (for me.) Okay. Agreed. I’m impatient and hard on myself. (What’s your point?)

Don’t get me wrong. Doing morning pages is not as ‘bad’ as I make it out to be. I’m just being a whiney brat who wants to flit from thing to thing and sprinkle creative dustings (read: masterpieces) out of myself with great ease and flow. In my fantasy, it’s a romantic, slightly Gaussian blur, lavender, blues and pinks scene with a misting of silver and copper. In reality, I’m sometimes ‘in the zone’ sometimes not and often in between states … on my way to another – just like most Creatives.

Yesterday though, was magnificent. The flow started as soon and I hit the page … and didn’t let up until I was at the “Thanks, God, for everything – even the stuff that’s poopy.” The beginnings of a new eBook practically wrote itself! I’m still stunned. What ‘magic’ was this? Is it because I’d decided to try one of my Artist Kin’s (from my recent hosting of The Artist Way JA – AP/09) approach to morning pages – love the pages; en-joy!!! them; relish them; look forward to them … ? Is it because I’ve now been doing this for enough days in a row that the onion finally got peeled back enough? Is it that Life just gives presents, or is that presence, sometimes – like little gifts? Heck if I know.

Well, that was yesterday. Today, it’s already 9:45 am and I’m sitting here writing this … instead of doing my morning pages. ARGH! I feel the not having done the pages ‘on my back’. All I really want to do is work on the idea that came to me yesterday – Not do the disciple of keeping a good habit in place!!! Boring! (That’s the brat talking.)

– extremely cool and triumphant-feeling. Haven’t even had to play catch-up! (This time around). It’s soooooooo good for me. It’s grounding and at the same time uplifting. I’m creating and writing and reacquainting myself with my own (sacred contract) path.

Seriously yummy:)

I am doing great on this! – for that I am exceedingly great-full (yep! ‘full of great’:) What I don’t get is why I am still resisting, even fighting the process. I, somehow, push myself to do the 3 long-hand pages everyday (so far, so good), but many days – I’m kickin’ and screamin’ through the entire writing.

I know – without a doubt, that showing up to the morning pages is good and right and another way of being present for listening to God. And as I listen and create, I am led. Yet, there are days that it is all I can do to lay down one word after another. Sometimes, the words are nonsense. Sometimes, the words are a bunch of ink all strewn together – “Keep going. Keep going. Keep going – only another 2 and 3/4 pages …” Sometimes, I grumble at Julia Cameron – “What the heck are you thinking, thinking people have time for this Every-Single-Day, (boy, it must be nice to have a life that you can sit and do Morning Pages …”

Sometimes, the better, bigger, more connected, less ego-filled, ‘in-the-zone’, growing, glowing, recovering, discovering, willing … me – opens and listens and flows so completely that the insights and ideas and joy burst and spill so easily that ‘in an (apparent) blink’ I’m at the end of 3 pages and expressing my gratitude. (Humph. People are so strange.)

I’m doin’ it! I started on my birthday (as promised to myself) and so far I’m good. There’s hardly even been much squirming and whining and avoidance. Yeah me!

Okay. (Whole)truth. I have been faithfully doing 3 long-hand, stream of consciousness Morning pages (as defined by The Artists Way). That’s a good thing. No. That’s a great thing! I am proud of myself and rightly so. Only thing is … I’m on break. Fitting all the reinvention, discipline, rituals into my day is only competing with staring out at the ocean, napping, consuming the 4th season of Lost and reconnecting with my cowboy.

What’s gonna happen when I leave this dream and get back to life reality???