1,3. “Still very good”. And still so not worth wasting ten months of my life on this.
But he read all fifty plus pages and made comments (“read Freud” (not secondary material on him), “read Halbwachs”) and told me I could use this as the basis/starting point for my final thesis paper. Hmmmm…. that would be something.
T. sends sms, I’m proud of you.
I spent half an hour there and in retrospect I’m amazed at how in time in gets so much much easier to converse with someone. I should do more of these things I’m so afraid of.
Yep, professor W’s office hour next week. 5 years ago
An interrogation, almost, on September 1; he said he’d read fifty papers, but I took the paper home with me to improve some passages and write the last pages. And days and days passed. Eventually handed this on Friday after a night shift – and it took him only until Monday to read this. I’ll go to see him and “talk about the paper” (oh, what fun) this Monday. Scary stuff, again.
I hope he doesn’t offer so much criticism as to crush me; I hope I don’t have to rewrite the thing. 5 years ago
I CAN do this. I must do this – I have an appointment with P.F. on Tuesday that is not going to be postponed under ANY circumstances. 80+ pages that are far from perfect, but I don’t have to worry at all (not saying I won’t) about whether I have forgotten an important idea or text – it’s just revision.
I can never think about revision without remembering Richard Powers. It somehow gives it a different quality. Don’t know how hard it’s gonna get.
Today, in Dahlem, went fine. I’m home alone tonight and I should grab that chance to get more done. 5 years ago
I’m down to 84 pages (less when not counting comments) and there are 15 pages I might be willing to forego. T. has read 17 so far and will undoubtedly give me feedback on another 13 pages when I come home tonight. And I STILL THINK I’ll have the time to proceed as I like to – big discrepancy between the quality I’d like to achieve and the need to finish this. I know, I know, I know. Why is my head SO WEIRD?
From the Times’s Brain Is a Co-Conspirator in a Vicious Stress Loop: “the sensation of being highly stressed can rewire the brain in ways that promote its sinister persistence”. Regions of the brain associated with executive decision-making and goal-directed behaviors SHRIVEL and brain sectors linked to habit formation are in full BLOOM. Uh.
Yesterday, I told my therapist, back from her summer break, that I have about forty days to go and she made me compose the email I need to send to the lecturer. It’s what I want, right? Someone to push me. There’s no time to hesitate and worry that I will tread on someone’s toes. 5 years ago
I try to get from a draft of 104 pages to, well, a paper of 15 pages. It’s totally crazy to write a paper like this, but I did, and now it’s time to accept the idea that some pages will have to go.
But which ones? 5 years ago
I’ve had a good week, and it’s not over yet – Sunday can be another library day! The page count now goes down slowly, and I enjoy the process of writing and trying to make it more concise and coherent.
I know it’s not the right approach, this meticulous attitude when catastrophe is just around the corner, but I don’t find it in me to change anything about it. I likewise suppress the urge to imagine the conversation with the lecturer that I will to have to have. In my head, it always turns out to be dramatic! anyway (with the drama on my side, and a shrug of the shoulders on his). I’ve never meant to avoid the conversation by not finishing the paper; I just wanted the paper to be great. My boyfriend has told me many times, and now my therapist does too, that it’s unnecessary – the many pages as well as the drama. I would like to believe them as far as the drama is concerned, but again – seems that I’m incapable.
I still have those delusions of grandeur, too.
I should be wildly unhappy and in a panic, but the work is just too much fun. 5 years ago
Issues with T., who stood me up last night, thanks to a colleague who needed help with a file upload. Okay, so mine’s not a JBC, Journal of Biological Chemistry paper, like hers. But I’m his girlfriend, and it would make not only my own but his life so much better if I got this paper/university out of the way. All I’m asking for is someone to sit down with me, work side by side, and I understand that he lacks time and energy. I understand I’m quite a burden. But he shouldn’t tell me that I’m not on my own when I in fact am. We have made up since. But, I don’t know whether to trust—- Then in my dreams last night, H.I. popped up. Is there any professor to whom I still owe a paper that I haven’t had nightmares about? I’m so not going to Madrid if I don’t wrap this up, and hand it in beforehand. This sixty-seven-page-monster!
I also have delusions of grandeur during which I think that this paper is good enough to be handed in as my final thesis. That kind of thinking doesn’t get me anywhere, at least not with this goal. The degree is out of the question if I don’t finish this. 5 years ago
The last page count… it’s crazy. CRAZY.
T. was great. On Tuesday, we finally got around to our very own “kitchen study group”, working side by side. Just for an hour, but I didn’t feel so alone and lost anymore. And it was the first night that I managed to sleep through. This isolation I’ve put myself in in the past months has only made things worse for me, but I didn’t realize that until two or three weeks ago. This paper was my life, until I had not much of a life besides it. After Tuesday night, I feel like I’ve gotten a glimpse of a clear blue sky. 5 years ago
Last night was the second time I had a dream about this guy, the lecturer. Standing in front of the institute. Didn’t dare to go see him for a long time. And there were these very strange sexual understones, again, that lead me to think, maybe I really am completely fucked up. I never thought of myself as a girl/woman who tries to get what she wants by being flirtative. But maybe that’s how I come across?
It was just a dream.
I thought today of how I had once written a paper on DeLillo in four days. DAYS. Not months. What the hell is wrong with me. Oh, I know. But knowledge doesn’t help.
He was always nice to me. Why am I such a coward? 5 years ago
How on earth did I end up with fifty pages? I’ve lately begun to feel as if I’m writing my master’s thesis.
T. doesn’t talk to me about it, this paper, my degree, any of thatt. A few attempts to get together for dinner and proofreading/feedback failed due to various reasons. He knows I feel terrible, but he doesn’t understand that it helps when there’s someone who takes a look at a few pages, maybe the outline. I know it’s a heavy burden, and still – I don’t understand what’s not to understand. I’m on my own. Of course.
The therapist wants to me contact my lecturer. Show him an excerpt. Of course I can’t force you, she said.
Each day is the day before the day when I will wrap up this paper.
Too calm? Maybe even stubborn? 5 years ago
Hard to concentrate. I worried incessantly about work. I’m not in a good physical state, am constantly tired, and my concentration is impaired by all the other things going on. Too many “building lots” in my life, as we say in Germany. I know that it’s a mistake to wait for the perfect day when I’ll be well-rested, unfazed by other problems looming around the next corner, and willing to write a paper less than perfect. Such a day won’t come. Need a different mind-set – any ordinary day can be THE DAY. Like, Tuesday. Nothing wrong with Tuesday. 5 years ago
Thursday was a great day. The others, so-so. Starting with the basic outline developed in November, I filled in text by asking myself, what is the objective of my paper and what are the main points I want to bring across? What info, studies, data, arguments do I need to mention in order to argue for the necessity of studying individual and collective trauma? Memory, healing, pacifism, etc. And so forth. I wrote down the explanations and supporting points for the main questions and ideas, and added so many elaborations (i.e. descriptions, explanations, discussions) that I now have something like twenty pages. Though the structure is fine, the actual text is a bit of a mess. Lots of work still to do, but I shouldn’t get lost so easily now. 5 years ago
I went back to this paper in early January and was quite surprised to see that my outline was fine. A shame I had to stop writing this paper on November 16 in order to do the company’s brochure. Now I need to immerse myself in the topic once again – pretty hard after two months. I have trouble getting started, and I don’t know if the approach I usually take – to start reading again – works in my favor. Maybe read only a short passage, write about it, see that I can do it? 5 years ago
I don’t want to go to Stockholm without finishing this, but we’re still doing the brochure, and I find it increasingly hard to remember the last thing I worked on. I think I was doing fine, but don’t even remember if I did the outline yet. Basically, I will only have three days to wrap this up – if I’m lucky and the brochure is done by then. 6 years ago
Not fun anymore because I can’t for a moment forget that I also have to do the new brochure for my company. Urgently. And I cried on Sunday because I had to attend someone’s birthday dinner, when all I wanted to do was stay in the library. It’s pathetic, but I cried again this morning when I couldn’t decide whether to go to the library or the office. Eventually ended up at the office. There is no particular reason. And I don’t know about tomorrow. 6 years ago
It’s fun, actually. It’d be more fun without the pressure. But then, who knows, I might never get it done. I just wish I didn’t need to have that conversation with him, tomorrow. 6 years ago
Oh, life was really hard to me the other night – who should turn up at the election party but my lecturer. And he was everywhere. Loitering. Whenever I looked up, I caught a glimpse of him, looking back at me, but didn’t say anything else but a brief hello. It’s ridiculous and embarrassing that I didn’t even dare to hold a conversation with him, paper or no paper – there was clearly no-one else from his department who he could’ve talked to, only very young students. I hated that feeling of responsibility. I almost felt I was about the only person who might have been a match for him (as: someone to converse with). Not a match intellectually, I felt, another reason for shying away. I felt cruel. My boyfriend told me, “you’re really like a teenager, you know”. I think he might have added “not better than one”. And: “You just missed the perfect opportunity”. He’s right, and I feel ashamed. It’s stupid.
One good thing: I found the missing link today. Durkheim – religious sociology – media events – collective memory. So happy to make that discovery. 6 years ago
Nice things such as this don’t happen too often in life. Our assistant prof wrote an email to his entire class, saying: “If you still want to write the paper for cultural sociology, you can deliver it in the next 2 weeks. I would be pleased to read further work.” Yay! 6 years ago
The lecturer did say “please hand your papers in by the beginning of the new term”.. technically that’s the week of October 13. But I so wanted to be early with this, for once! But the other paper is more important. And I’ll take chances with this, if need be. 6 years ago