Upgrade myself

I’ve never had troubles with my weight. Not until this past year. I got the birth control, the implant, a year ago. It’s been really worth all the money ;), but the side effect is that I have gained a weight. And disturbing lot. And I can see the change and I don’t much like it. I don’t know how long the weight will go up, or is it only the side effect. But I think I should be able to do something about it. And that is exercise more.

It will take a lot of patience and I am not sure am I able to do that. But I really need to. I’m not happy how I look… I haven’t been in awhile. _{I hate my belly and I hate my tights.}

that I have lost some weight. Not because I would done a lot of exercise, but cos I haven’t eaten that well for the past two weeks. I have wanted to lost a bit weight, but probably not like this. I want to get in shape by doing some exercise and I want to eat healthy and well.

About the exercise, there’s new things coming this fall and I feel excited about them! Tomorrow I will go try Shorinji Kempo :) And in couple of weeks I start kick boxing! But I should start doing something at home as well.

I am so stubborn person. I like to do things my way, and I don’t like when people comes to say me that my way is wrong etc. and do this and this way. Especially if that “advice” is said by someone who doesn’t have enough authority to me. This doesn’t mean I am not listening the advice or even not applying it, but I get highly irritated or even angry. In some cases…

I’m not giving up my stubbornness, cos I don’t think it’s necessary a bad feature. It gives a strength to be yourself and believe in yourself. It gives a strength to go your own way and not wait what other says about it. It is part of who I am. BUT I should learn to control my anger/or what ever it is when someone is giving me advice. I know they don’t mean it bad way (at least most of the time) and they just want to help me. And I should learn to accept the help I am given even I wasn’t asking it. If I every time get upset when someone advices me, they eventually stop giving me advices. And that would be such a shame since I can learn so much from other people. And I want to learn.

I need to learn to listen people, understand their agendas, control my feelings and not take everything that way they are putting me down. How to keep ones pride but be humble at the same time? Next time someone comes and tells me their way to do things are better way to do than my way, I will swallow that ugly feeling, listen them and see if they are right. Their way to do something doesn’t always work for me, but I can maybe learn something new that I can adjust to my way to do it and thus improve it what ever it is.

I just feel so impatient again. I have learned a lot of patience, but sometimes I just can’t wait. Like now. I’m really nervous and can’t quite concentrate to anything. I check my emails all the time (just to see if there’s any mail from the job or school). Sometimes I just feel that I want it all and I want it now.

The implant has increased my weight. Also not excersising enough might have something to do with it… I feel fat. I don’t like how my body look like and I don’t feel sexy at all. So the next step is to do something about it. From now on I try to do something at least twice a week.

Also pampering myself by doing my hair, fixing my nails and looking nice (clothes) might help me to feel better.

I just want to be happy with how I look and feel like once again.

I made more decisions than I normally do. Usually I just say that “it’s all the same”, but this weekend I said more often what I really wanted. Even they were mostly little things like what yogurt I want or what tee I drink. And guess what! It wasn’t actually that hard to made up my mind so quickly.

And it felt good to say what was on my mind.

Right now I really would love to talk with you. Face to face. Sit in front of you, look at your eyes and talk. Talk hours like we used to in MSN. Talk about everything. But this time for real. I want to hear your voice. I want you to hear me. I want to be able to tell everything that’s on my mind without thinking does it sound stupid when I say it out loud.

Yeah, I really would like that. I think it’s something we both need. I miss talking with you.

I want to be myself. That person I feel that I should be, but for some reason it seems that I am not. There is things that I don’t like myself. Things that he doesn’t like. Things in me that ruined my last relationship and I don’t want to see it happen to again. I want to change and I know have reasons to do it.

1. Communication
I have to find way to communicate face to face. To say what’s on my mind. To be myself. I have always been better at communicating with written words, but that’s not how world goes. I have to be able to say what I want. Unless I would be mute. Then I guess would have the only reason not to speak.

2. Being less sensitive?
I’m really emotional person. I don’t think I can feel less since it’s so much part of me, who I am. But it seems that it feels that I am also sensitive. Actually I don’t get so mad about things so easily. I have sense of humor. So why people think that I am sensitive? Maybe I am too good at pretending that I got mad at something. Maybe I should stop it then and be mad only when I am really mad. Or maybe I am sensitive but I don’t want to admit.But there’s something to related to this. I should be however a little more less emotional. Or actually more likely to find a way to use my emotions as a power.

3. Stop being attention whore
“Hi, I’m Hauki and I am attention whore”. I have admitted it a long time. And I have seen it as a problem. Huge one. I have tried to reduce the amount of attention what I want, but it’s not that easy. I have started to need less attention that I used to. I still get a bit grumpy if it feels that I haven’t got enough attention. But you know what. We both live even I don’t get that attention all the time. I need to grow up. I do need attention to feel special. Everybody does. But when I need it too much, it’s driving everyone mad. Including myself. So give me attention, but only the amount you are able to handle.

4.Not be clingy
This is actually another misunderstanding I think. It has something to do with the points 2 and 3 I think. So I think I have to correct it. Why it seems that I feel less independent than I know I am? I can take care of myself. My life would be worth living to myself even there wouldn’t be anyone special in my life. But it would be boring. I don’t need another person to get me up from the bed in the morning. I feel that I am strong and independent woman inside me and I want other people to get that feeling too about me.

I think it has something to do with my emotions too. I actually have a little issues against relationships. I have never wanted to be with someone just because I would think I need someone else in my life. I don’t need. I have wanted to be someone cos I have believed that the other person is someone I want to be with cos of love. When I commit to someone, I really do commit. And it might feel oppressing to someone who doesn’t feel as strongly as I do. But feeling strongly toward someone doesn’t mean that I would lost my independence. Or that other person would. I honestly feel that we need other persons in our lives as well, not only that loved one. And I get really grumpy if I don’t get my personal space as well. I don’t want anyone to be too depended of me and I don’t want either other way round.

5. Be myself
It’s not that I am pretending to be something that I am not. But there is two sides of me. I’m sometimes holding myself back. And this has everything to do with the point 1. When I am able to express myself, not only in written form, I can be that person what people see when they read stuff that I write also in the world without keyboard or paper and pen.