Reminicing
Current mood: indifferent
It was the summer of 2006. The fireflies were glimmering agianst the dark blue sky and i just gazed and wonder what tomoro would bring. Tommorow was my 15th birthday and i was stuck at home on HOUSE arrest. I remember praying all that night hoping Carol (my P.O) Would let me off so i could hang out with my best friend Amanda and her new boyfriend Mya.. I was anxious to meet him.. COuldnt let her date some loser! The next day came and i was actually 15 years old. Thought i was the shit. I ddidn get off house arrest that day but soon i would have the greatest birthday gift anyone could EVER ask for. Me and Amanda were siting on the stairs infront of my house; couldn go to far because my bracelet would go crazy on me! Next thing we know amandas boyfrieidn Jerimiah and his friend Corey showed up at my house after work. I remember they were all sweaty and covered in black shit. Automatically i started staring at these 2 boys. Amanda was so excited to have me meet this fellow Corey. I looked at him and i was like “oh hes cute” But im only 15. Hes 20 and Im 15 what a match that makes ! ITs only 5 years Manda said. I remember him introducing himself HEY WHATS UP IM COREY HAPPY BIRTHDAY. From then on i was IN LOVE. Finally a couple days later i got off house arrest and started hanging out with amanda and the boys everday. I just couldnt stay away from him he was my drug :) and i was ADDICTED. It all seemed perfect like nothing could go wrong. The way he looked at me. THe way he winked at me when i was drooling all the way on the other side of the room staring at his fine ass! haha. He made me feel special and like I was the only thing that mattered. And if you know me WELL, then you understand. Anyways, August 29th of 2006 corey turned 21 and that night. well in short terms, was AMAZING. We were all at george and pattys house drinkin on a school night just havin alot of fun. Well i remember sitting on Coreys lap and telling him “happy birthday baby” and he asked me a question he said -” Aimee will you be my boo?” Lord my heart exploded at that very moment. I replied yes and i wasnt sure what was to come after this. Before i knew it our journey began. We were together all the way up to july 27th of 2008.
If youve never loved before or just havent foudn that special person. Brace yourself. Loving someone is an amazing feeling. BUt loving someone and them LOVING you in return is one of Gods greatest gifts. Once me and COrey split up, the first time. It was like my heart wasnt there. There was nothing inside of me. I had so many feelings running through my body. I felt angry, I felt betrayed & i felt heartbroken. All idid was Cry for weeks. I took the anger out in sports that summer.It was the worst pain to see himwith this new girlffriend of his. I just wanted to kill them. Well we got back together. And broke up the 2nd time. this time i was NUMB. I didnt cry. I didnt care. I didnt smile. I didnt stare. I wasnt emotionally there. I Hid from the truth. I took it as we arent meatn to be OH well lets do some drugs and forget all about it. I was in a very bad place at this time. I had worked sooo hard saving money, paying bills working at scholastic and going to school. Putiin sooo much effort into so many things at once. It was hard and then it just all came crashing down. I just pretended that everything was okay. Ill be fine.
In all reality i WAS fine. I could live without him. I could breathe, eat, and sleep okay. But feeling like half of your heart is just MISSING. ITs just NOT THERE. All u can do is remember what it was like, and that is really hard to live with. Its extremly hard to accept that you have to love urself nwo there is no one to do it for you. I did my best to pretend like i didnt care/ But when i seen him everyday as i drove to work, sitting on the porch of George and Pattys with a bottle of alcohol in his hand it BROKE my heart. It tore me and the wall i built around my heart down. I had a break down. I can picture him perfect – He died his hair red. He was sitting without a shirt and some raggy jeans with a cigarette in his hand and a bottle of Long Island Ice Tea in the other. To see someone you love more than you thought you could ever love anything or even ur self, like that looking so much in pain HURTS beyond words. I stopped the blazer i was driving and i walked up to him. I asked him what was wrong is everything okay ? He replied and said NOTHING. a typical answer for corey. I wanted to help him so much., I wanted to hear his thoughts but he wouldnt let me in. I didnt no what to do. I didnt no what to say. I would always tell him how i felt and how much iloved him. It always seemed not good enough. I could tell him everything on my mind and i would ramble on and he wouldnt say anything. Ifelt like my words werent special enough for him to give me somehting in return. Like i wasnt saying things that Meant enough for him to give me an answer. Give me an answer to all these questions ive been pretending i dont want the answers to. Do you love me? DO you wana be with me ? Do yo miss me? is she MORE than me ? What did i do wrong? I just didnt feel good enough and still to this day i dont. ITs been a year and a half and i still cannot forget him.
I wonder why god granted us with this gift of love. To be able to pass it on to other people to be able to share bodies and feeligns to care this much sooo much to where ur heart gets broken to others selfishness. Why did he give me this love to give to corey when it seems like he doestn want it? Now im the one left with heartbreak Im the one left with feeling like its not enough IM NOT enough! Now that me and corey have been seperated for this long. Its a little easier to bear when im not alone. but theres something greater than me. greater than corey andf greater than the love i have for this man. It follows me every place i go. ITs called Fate. THeres no getting rid of it.
I waited a year after we split up b4 i saw him again. Actually looked in his eyes. It was a crazy feeling driving up to see him. As usual i was at his beck and call. he called and told me to come up there and I did. I jumped in my car sooo fast and drove up there as fast as i could. i spent the night with him. it was amazing to see him again to be in his arms. it was the best feeling. Leaving on the other hand- well that was difficult. I sat on the dryer and cried for hours. He just stood and held me. Telling me “this wont be the last time i promise” i couldnt even look into his eyes i coldnt handle the pain that i felt. in that moment he was all that mattered i didnt wana let go. I didnt wana drive away not knowing when the next time id see him agan.
After i left he called and text for a 3 day period. then as usual he stopped replying stopeed answering. that was hard to udnerstand. I just dont get it I dont know why he just didnt wana talk to me. I said fuck it . I said fuck everything after that. oonce agian i was stuck with the pain.
I actually thought i was over OVER him. Like for real this time. Like thats what i neede. I needed that closure. Until ONCE again FATE comes knockin on my door..
On October 22nd this year i decided id call him. See how things were. Well turns out i called him the EXACT day that him and Jen break up. How wierd is that? Ironic.
I am frustrated. If we are supposed to be together then thats what needs to h appen. No sense in this ironic shit.he needs to suck up and tell me of all his feeligns bc i cant take the questions anymore that i cant answer. the question is WHY ?
THe answer is WHY NOT?
