spend 43days in anger management counselling

well made it to counselling today – although i almost don’t even want to write about this. it’s just that it seems a typical bpd thing for you to somehow resist therapy – whether it’s through missed appointments, not liking your therapist etc. yet if i am honest that is in a way how i feel. not that i don’t like the counsellor – i do. i know he is trying to help, i admire him for the changes he has made in his own life, i can still see the positive in the sessions – but none the less i was left feeling a bit annoyed today. i felt that i spent an hour with him whilst he simply read aloud the homework sheets that i was to take home with me, had me read into myself some other very similar sheets and then he spent considerable time talking about his own experiences. i feel bad for saying this – well for even thinking it. i found myself feeling very sleepy and very aware of my feelings in this regard. i mean i know i’m babbling on about how i feel, what my life is like – but i’m thinking well hey i’m paying this guy so i can do that. argh – honest i hate myself for thinking this way – i did try to stay focused on the positive – like well it’s helpful to gain insight through other people’s experiences etc. i found this before with a counsellor. i really liked the guy – he was obviously a realy nice man and was in the job to help people how he could but i often left feeling like i had just spent half the session listening to his problems. the woman i had never did this at all – she was a cbt counsellor and really good but it was too expensive. even with her though i felt it hard to find the use in the sessions other than just giving me somewhere to talk. i think it is because they can’t offer me anything , in a practical sense , that i can’t get from the self-help workbooks in those areas. the thing is i seem to want someone to wave a magic wand and make everything ok. i always have excuses for not having the time to put in the practical work – which i know is the only way i am going to make progress – by actually practicing the stuff and putting it into practice. i do have the time – god knows i spend enough of it online shopping. which is another bloody problem. i totally use that as an escape mechanism – i’ve been doing it all the time – especially when i should be working. it’s like i can’t face up to the responsibilities of the new project – where i should be putting 100% effort in – ‘cos the work is hard and you need to – i almost consciously now opt for the internet where i can browse and buy (on credit of course) ‘til my heart’s content and don’t need to face the reality of the day – putting off until tomorrow , in a place where tomorrow never comes. i need to start getting my shit together really.

well had to cancel today – too busy with work and i’ve went and made an appointment for next week when i have a dental appointment shortly before it – so maybe won’t make that. typical eh.

have had 2 sessions so far. problem is i only really do the take home work minimally. i don’t find the time at night – to practice stuff everyday. i did find it useful last ninght though – after a particularly stressful day at work with new colleague who is taking much getting used to. the exercises definately did help though and today was much better (i didn’t have to deal with new colleague much.