make peace with a difficult coworker

I “made peace” – I left. Left the organization, found a new job in a group I love in the same company. This guy’s so far outside my realm of existence at work now – since he’s in another state, it’s really statistically unlikely that I’ll ever, ever encounter him again.

There was a brief attempt by my management to try to toss something about this on my annual review – “need to work better with people with whom she has professional differences” sort of thing. That was squelched really fast, though – I saw that coming (an upper manager’s in this guy’s corner bigtime), and had tons and tons of examples and references for how I DO work well with those with whom I have such differences, and how I’ve been very successful with that in the past. In fact, my new job is all about that – trying to get people to do something new, something they do NOT want to do.

I did what I could. I kept thinking for a long time that there was just one more thing to try – something. The HR rep really nailed it, though – “you can’t fix other people.” Too true. So now I’m outta there.

This is coming about. Not how I expected it, though.

I’m really starting to think this guy has other issues way beyond the professional differences. He’s just not taking ‘no’ for an answer (from his management, which is trying to mediate some of this). He says “OK, this is the direction we’re taking” – and then refuses to follow it. He has been heard openly ranting against me and “her agenda”, then denies it. He’s just rewritten a bunch of the stuff that’s our job to do, and has completely disregarded a program decision about what’s supposed to be going on.

It’s so far beyond the realm of rational behavior at this point that I’m moving my interpretation from “asshole” to “mental illness” – which is easier to deal with.

Of course, I’m still holding out hope that another option in the company will open up soon. For now, we’re in a holding pattern, and I’m just sending his craziness to management to sort out, trying to dodge the worst of it myself.

THEN I quit.

I am so pleased I waited to leave my job until after I had resolved my issues w/ my boss. I left b/c I wanted something else, but was able to leave wishing all of my coworkers well with full authenticity.

Great to leave the place clean!

Ironically, the coworker’s probably one of the people that, professionally, has the best skills in our group. I don’t know if it’s lack of people skills or what, but it’s just exhausting. Today was Yet Another ordeal – a couple people independently asking why I’m an obstacle for a particular deliverable, based on conversations with this coworker. [sigh]

I’m looking – it’s possible that one highly desirable option may show up. OTOH, I’m learning a lot by sticking around here. I’m hoping something else works out, but I’m also hoping to figure out why this one particular interaction is so, so difficult.

And interestingly, we may have actually hit peace. Or at least detente. There’s more areas in which we agree than disagree, and we were able to work together to get some of that agenda handled in the 4 days of face-to-face meetings.

I’m still thinking I’ll likely move to another organization, but it’s more due to the realization that this wasn’t ever a great match, and that I’m not sure I agree with the direction/strategy of the org itself. It’s hard for me to have it be “just a job” – if I don’t believe in what we’re doing, it’s incredibly hard to do it.

I’m sure some door will open. It will work out, somehow, as it’s intended to work out. I can live with that. And I’m taking tomorrow off anyway, so no need for the door to open too fast. :^)

Peace means agreeing to not engage.

In this case, it’s looking like I’ll be looking for a new job. We do not agree on many professional topics, and the organization sides with him. Their prerogative, and I’m actually rather impressed that they’ve acknowledged that this is how it is and will be, but they’re letting me opt to leave, rather than making me stay through the next 9.5 months.

My mentor has been fabulous – not only reaffirming that I DO know what I’m talking about professionally (and stating so publicly, with substantiation) – but also highlighting the issues with what they’re choosing to do.

So now it’s a matter of getting through a weeklong (well, 4 days) series of meetings – face-to-face, all day, every day. Then I’ll take Friday off, maybe go away for the weekend, and come back to take a fresh look at the internal job posting board, and see what the future holds.

But it’s not there. This has been in the “attempt” file since June 30 (maybe posted here a bit later), but things have now deteriorated to the point that it’s harmful to the organization. We’ve got a meeting on Monday to try to resolve one key issue – but it’s a tactical nit. The overall structural problem remains, and it’s glaringly more obvious.

Company guidelines state that I’m stuck in this job, in this organization, for about 10 more months. Reality may differ, but either way, it’s generally a bad scene. I don’t think our organization’s handled it well, but then again – I sort of started the problem by taking the position in the first place. I knew it was risky – and yep – that instinct was right.

So some part of it may be resolved on Monday. There will be lingering issues, though. My goal is to have it cleaned up by Labor Day. (Maybe?)

Not resolved today, and I’m not sure how favorable it’s looking all in all. There may be peace, yes, but I’m not certain it’ll come with both of us being in the same business group. Diametrically opposed views, diametrically opposed standards for proper professional discipline in this area. I don’t think he’ll agree with my perspective; I don’t agree with his, and can’t see being in a position where I’d have to support it (including conducting training classes on it) – not when my professional reputation’s on the other side.

His view is “easier”. (A commentator calls it “a sure path to disaster” – but I digress.) It’s gaining favor with the decision makers here, because they don’t think our folks can handle the disciplined way. (Never mind that the rest of the company seems to do it just fine.)

I’m remarkably calm about it all; very worst case, I plug my nose and live with it for 10 more months – the far side ‘til I can change jobs again. More likely, they’d let me leave – both to avoid more conflict, and to let me go someplace in the company where I can be successful.

I am not my job. My job/company does not love me. And I’m OK with that.

Tomorrow I have a meeting that I’ve been dreading – a mediated discussion with a coworker with whom I have a personality conflict the size of a small country. I worked with this guy most of last year, then changed jobs – many reasons, not the least of which was that I was tired of dealing with him.

Then this year I was asked to return to the old organization, in a new role, supposedly sufficiently removed from this person that we’d be able to work in our own sandboxes. Well, that didn’t last. In fact, there’s one very specific professional detail on which we disagree quite significantly, and that’s what’s to be resolved tomorrow afternoon.

I would be perfectly happy if I never had to work with this person again. Instead, we’ll be in about 20 hours of meetings together (via phone) in the next 4 weeks, then in a solid week face-to-face meeting. Seems my bright idea of getting the hell outta dodge to avoid this just wasn’t the right one.

So I’m tossing this goal out there. I want to have tomorrow’s mediated session go well. I’d like to get the result I want, naturally :^) – but more important, I’d like to have it happen in a way that enables us to have a positive & productive working relationship moving forward. (Or at least for us to not ‘bury the hatchet’ into each other’s heads.)