stop beating myself up for old mistakes

My children and I are going through a lot of pain as a result of my past mistakes. I take 100% blame for all of it. I’m trying to forgive myself, but OMG!!! The consequences came years later and are very severe, so I’m overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I somehow need to forgive myself and just act right now in order to set things right.

I always make mistakes, I am clumsy, spaced-out, and never think before I talk. Or as a matter of fact, think too much and end up not saying anything even if I want to.
My friend told me ‘If you have done this, I am sure you would be like this and this by now! I am 10000% certain!’
I regret one thing, and it is slowly ruining my life, because it’s stuck in my head 24/7.
If I really was able to do actually forget, and move on. Maybe I would be able to make that person forget what I’ve done and maybe I would have a chance to start again.
But the more I think about starting again, the more I regret!

It’s a never-ending circle.

Please note that I signed up on something else and posed the same thing. This is not for credit I just signed up on 2 thing without knowing and figured I would help everyone I could. Please read this.

Most people don’t know this but i’m super smart. But I still have problems with grammar and punctuation. But if I can help people get through this it’s worth it. Well all I have to say is I have done stupid things in the past. (Show me who has not done something dumb?) But I realized, The people who saw me do those dumb things Forgave me. (Most of them did not remember or care.) And the people who did “WERE THE PEOPLE WHO WERE ALWAYS MEAN TO ME.” Then I realized that most of them had made a mistake That I remember but never focused on. Why is that? Some of you may ask. IT’S BECAUSE WE ARE THE ONES WHO WERE PUT DOWN WHEN WE MADE THAT MISTAKE. And the way I see it is if everyone makes mistakes, And forgives them self for it why can’t I? It was not easy for me to forget thing with a photographic memory. But if I can do it so can all of you. I may be a strong willed person, but if I can’t let go then how can that help me? HERE IS WHAT TO DO: Well I know I use to act like I knew what everyone was talking about, (So I would not be called stupid for not knowing I did this for things like cars, social, Girls, Ect.) But if any of you do this STOP! If you don’t understand say that you don’t and ask them to explain, (If they call you/Ask you if stupid then they have problems of their own.)
Also if it’s something stupid like what I did when I was 10. (i’m 15 now.) I told a girl I liked that when I spent the night at a friends house we watched porn. This was not true we watched a info commercial for one of those lose wait thing’s , And when a hot girl showed up we said ooooooo, when a guy showed up we said grouse. Why should I worry about it? I may never have a chance to date her but the only thing I can do would be not to do it agian. I have made some mistakes but you can fix them. I tend to not be able to let go if I lie. Should I lie? No. And I won’t anymore. Because 1: It keeps me from relaxing. And 2: Most people will accept the truth. My advice is to forget about it and if a person brings it back up to Burn you. That person is mean. Also if it’s a rumor going around about you, And someone asks if it’s true, Say No. Remember Rumors die, but the truth lives forever. Thats all I have to say thank you for reading hope I helped you.

By Cyan.

I not only feel bad when I think of my old mistakes, but I just can’t stop thinking about them! It’s like a shadow following me everywhere that ruins the good moments and brings back that old guiltiness feeling.

So this is when I feel like I can check this off the list. FINALLY. I went through a box I made in High School called “The Trials and Tribulations” box a couple of days ago. Now, when I moved back to minnesota a year ago, I found this and it followed the same sorting process but with completely opposite results.
I opened it up and sifted through what are most of my most painful, embarrassing, and vivid memories and experiences. The last time, I was embarrassed all over again feeling like I hadn’t come very far since those days. I just internalized all of the bad I had almost come to forgive myself for over the 7 years. I was burdened with all of the terrible things I have ever done to anyone, the sad ways I sought attention and how hopeless everything seemed to be in my very small internalized world.

I opened it again three days ago to find that where I had felt ashamed once upon a time I now felt like I had conquered these old feelings. I’m now going to retire the old box of filthy remembrance and destroy its contents. Not in a malicious sense at all though. It just holds no precious sentiment anymore. I can’t let some damn stuff have so much power over who I am and I feel like I’ve already let go of its dominating force. I’m stronger and more resilient than I used to be and don’t need these things to remember how far I’ve come in life. It’s over. Finally.

WE are just pawns here….

that I will never forgive myself for doing.

I keep looking back on the bad things I did, and though I know I should really forget them and move on…they seem to be attatched to me. And those bad memories don’t want to go away. I really wish I could just forget them all…forget cheating on a math test, rejecting my boyfriend’s offer to go on a date…and so much more…everyday seems to be a fight to be optimistic. Sometimes the worst part of it, is knowing that nobody knows your pessimisticness, your sadness….I have to move on. I HAVE TO MOVE ON! And that is another goal of mine….the hardest goal by far!

I tend to feel guilty a lot and second guess myself. Need to stop that. Waste of time!!!

It is so easy to look back on my life and see all the mistakes I made. (I guess that’s why they say Hindsight is 20/20. Duh.)
But it’s been so hard for me to let go of all this. I am forever analyzing these things; how would my life be different now if I hadn’t done this. Or that. Would I be able to live my life now if I didn’t know this person.
School is an easy one. Rather than pay even a little bit of attention to classes, I partied way too hard and flunked out. At the time it was a big deal, but it was like, ok. Now, I look back on it, and I am so embarassed. I hate that I did that. I hate that I was finishing my Bachelor’s when everyone in my class was finishing their Master’s. I hate that I screwed myself over like that.
Often I find myself wishing that when I was growing up, I could have had the future me come back to talk some sense into the current me. My future self could have told me about college (go to class, mo-RON!), sobriety (it’s not so bad having fun sober), the National Guard (for God’s sake, DON’T DO IT!).
But, on the other hand. If I hadn’t flunked out, what would I have majored in, and where would I be now? I might not have spent as much time with my then-boyfriend, so we probably wouldn’t have gotten close, and may not have stayed together.r months after getting married. In one respect, I wish that it had happened later. AFter I had a job, so that we could be more stable. Cuz right now, it’s miserable. Hubby always working, me trying to get ready for a move that seems like it’s never going to happen. It would be so much easier to handle everything if it were just the two of us (and kitty).
But if we had gotten pregnant later, than we wouldn’t have MY son. We would have someone else. And while I’m sure we would have loved that little one just as much, now that I know him, I wouldn’t give my son up for anything.
This is the biggest reason for me wanting to do this. I don’t regret my son. And I feel like crap whenever I think about having waited longer to be prego. I don’t want to regret him. I don’t want to even come close to.