Stop letting my problems get in the way of my dreams.

I just bought 2 books to help me out here.

“Get It Done When You’re Depressed” by Julie A. Fast

&

“The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: A Pocketbook Guide to Fulfilling Your Dreams (One Hour of Wisdom)” by Deepak Chopra

My problems have been literally getting in the way of my dreams lately.

I can’t sleep.

I’ve become completely disenchanted.

Help.

I fought through one of the most terrible anxiety attacks on saturday.

I recently bought a new guitar cabinet on ebay. The only problem was that the shipping was far too expensive (over $100). I decided it would be better to go pick it up, after all, the seller was only and hour and half drive away, and it was the weekend.
The only problem was that I don’t have a car big enough to transport it, so I asked around to see if anyone would be willing to go on a little road trip. I got a few responses, but in the end, no one could take me. As a last ditch effort I asked one more person, he agreed.

We had been on the road for about a half an hour when I decided to check up on the situation of the amp. The guy who worked there had no idea what i was talking about, so he put me on hold while he figured it out. 20 minutes later (yes, 20), he comes back only to tell me that the amp wasn’t there and that he needed to double-check. He puts me on hold again. I start freaking out on the inside, then after another 5 minutes the owner gets on the phone and i explain the situation… he puts me on hold for another 5 minutes. He gets back on the phone and says he’ll have to call me back.

So, I wait. (keep in mind, the entire time, we’re still on our way) and I wait. I mention to my friend how awkward it’s going to be when we walk through the door and they haven’t called me back yet.

Eventually, they call me back to let me know that the amp is there and waiting for it’s new daddy. At this point you’d think I would feel a sense of releif. I didn’t. It had gone too far, and I had already reached my overflow. So, I got off the phone and sat in the passenger seat, quietly shaking. We get to the place, and I’m not better. We walk in, I start feeling the urge to run out the door (but don’t really feel like making an ass of myself)

So, I sucked it up, acted completely normal, even though I was ready to explode still, paid for the amp (after the 2 guys working there ran around like crazy guys for 15 minutes looking for invoices and the like) carried it out of the building and brought it to the car.

My friend ran over to subway to get something to eat, and while he was gone, I let the floodgates open. I started basically running around in a circle on the sidewalk like a madman chainsmoking cigarettes.

On the ride home, I was still very much on edge, but by the time we hit the expressway, I was fine.

end

I recently got into a really bad fight with a close friend that has lingered on for about 4 days now. It all stems from something I did wrong… I let my anxiety get the better of me and broke plans for the 3rd time. I’ve been dealing with this horribly, but tomorrow night, I have band practice. It’s only our 4th time getting together to play, and to be honest, I don’t want to go at all.

I probably will anyway.
I’ve just got to fight through this like I fight through every other day.

I backed out of band practice last week because I had gotten myself so anxious that I started throwing up. To make matters worse, it was only our second attempt.

It’s got to stop.

We’re getting together again tomorrow.
I’m not going to ruin this.

i fought through the day yesterday.
my new band had our first band practice.

I spent the entirety of the day freaking out so bad that i had a panic attack which caused me to come dangerously close blacking out.

just before leaving for practice, i spent a good 20 minutes throwing up in the toilet.

i got there and was shaking violently for the first half hour, but slowly calmed down, with the exception of sweating profusely.

I WILL start playing music again soon. I don’t care what it takes. It’s my passion, it alwasy has been and it alwasy will be. Regardless of whether or not it takes me anywhere I need to try harder, so when I look back I can at least say I did that much.

I have friends that consider me one the best guitarists that they know. I have to use that to my advantage, and not let the fact that I don’t beleive them get in my way.

Sometimes living up to your own standards is more difficult than living up to other people’s. I need to try.

I know that I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t.

I’ve been speaking with quite a few people about the things I need to succeed. It not much, but it’s a step in the right direction.