Reawaken my dream life

I was in a crowded bus and there was a ghost on one of the seats. Though I wasn’t frightened, I did not wish to make any eye contact and looked out onto the streets. There were other ghosts passing by as though going about their usual routines.

Then I was walking up the steps to a school with an older and younger brother. I had warned my big brother about the vision I had of him dying, that he must take all precautions not to make it happen.

Time passed, and things were going well. The vision was a forgotten memory of the past. Big brother had been working out alot and became very fit and healthy. All of us started to relax and enjoy life.

One evening, he had to attend to his regular “guard duty” of cleaning the men’s washroom in school. I came by with a boyfriend after classes to bid him farewell before leaving, and he looked at us with such happiness, glad that I’m finally taking it easy too. His duty lasts for 3 hours and ends at 11, and since we lived nearby, I knew he’d be home not long after.

When he drove home that night, my biggest fear was realised.

A vehicle had rammed into him from the back, which made him smash into the vehicle in front and swerve out of control. Cars in the other lanes crashed into him on the sides, and catapulted him onto the lane of an oncoming bus.

I rushed down to the massive pileup searching for him, in hopes that he was safe, but he was nowhere to be found. There was a pool of blood right by the overturned carcass of the bus, where several officials were inspecting, and I knew it was his blood.

He was gone.

I crumbled onto the gravel, and when I glanced back up, I saw my brother standing there. Only he was in his “guard duty” attire, charred and smouldering. _{(The attire looked creepily similar to the character above from Monsters Inc.)} He tells me he’s sorry, that he should have known, should have been more careful. He apologises again and again, and all I could do was weep for him.

I rarely ever dream about the people who are nearby every day, the ones that I see at work, school, or home.
I always have dreams about the people who were only in my life for the shortest moment, the ones that I’ll likely never see again, or the people who I barely noticed, and of course the ones that I miss the most.

There’s this one person who I dream about all of the time. I don’t even like him. In fact, there are so many things about him that I very much dislike. But he’s always “the one” in my dreams….

Of course I had another dream of Him. We were in a class together, he was just two seats away from me, and we were staring at each other intently. It was like our eyes were locked.

We made short conversation around the girl who sat between us. I could tell that both of us were trying really hard to sound casual. It was like we were playing a game, a game against our feelings, seeing who could last the longest taking in the short, choppy questions that should have been directed toward acquaintances.
“Hey….How are things going?”
“Good.”
“Good…”
But we were not acquaintances; we knew each other very well.

I don’t know how it got to this point, but the girl in between us disappeared; everyone disappeared. And we were now very close, staring deeply into each other’s eyes. If gun shots were blasting around us, we would not have noticed… At least not me, I was mesmerized by the same blue eyes.

He whispered something that I can’t remember. Upon my reply, I froze, and my words came out broken up, unclear. I couldn’t breathe anymore because his face was right against mine.

We were standing now, and he was pulling my hair behind my ears. His lips came so close—too close—to mine. I can’t do this, I thought.
The girl who sat between us and everyone else in the room suddenly spiraled back, into to my “reality.” She was grabbing my arm, looking horror-struck. She dragged me away, and then He was gone.

The girl and I were now in a field of tall yellow grasses; a railroad track lay in the center. I started walking on the edge of it, balancing myself, and she walked across the other side. She was talking to me quickly, though I have no idea what she was saying because He kept popping into my head. I started telling her about him, just brief sentences that would show that I knew him and that he “wasn’t important to me.” She said that she believed me, but the look on her face told me that she didn’t.

That’s the last that I can remember, standing on the railroad tracks, the sun shining against the tall grasses; it was really lovely… until I woke up.

I was awake, but not fully awakened yet. My body was tingling from the numbness, and I could not move. I heard sounds in the background – of the furballs snoring, and of traffic.

“I must be having a lucid dream,” I told myself and willed my body to glance at the bedside clock, but my vision seemed distorted. Instead of the bedside table, it was a sort of giant grey machine with dozens of buttons.

I felt myself beginning to float and wondered whether I would see myself sleeping if I were to look down. The sheets were the same, but the bed was empty. I turned to face the clock on the wall. The decor on the wall was the same, but with my distorted vision, the proportions looked wonky. I looked closely at the clock, trying to tell the time which was an impossible task as the numbers kept shifting around.

I floated higher and higher, and went through the ceiling. “Would I be able to see the neighbour’s room upstairs?” I thought to myself. Only it was my room again. The higher I floated, passing through many ceilings, it was the same room that kept appearing.

“Down!” I commanded myself. Immediately, I went falling down the same room over and over again. I felt like my heart was doing somersaults. “Stop!” I said, and came to a halt, continuing to float in mid-air. I thought of venturing out of my room and tried to propel myself towards the door using swimming strokes.

I floated right through the door into what must have been a bathroom. My father was trying to wash something off his hands and asked for my help. He showed me his palms and there were horrid looking brown shoots of some sort of fungus growing at the base of his fingers. I tried using a hose, hoping the powerful jet of water would wash them away.

Then I hear the sounds in the background again – of the furballs snoring, and of the early morning traffic. I feel the numbing sensation in my arm and leg from ‘falling asleep’. I turn over and open my eyes.

I dreamt of you. In the studio. We just met. But we had a connection.

They were telling me how organised and even obsessed you were about your schedules.

You laid your head on me. Asked if it was awkward. We were so close. I could smell the sweetness on your breath. The hint of a long day.

You talked about travelling for work. Mentioned the airports. That airport. I told you it’s where I’m from. Asked if you knew.

My head was dizzy from the sound of your voice. Your attention. Your attraction.

You said you’d visit me.

_{[Earlier this week]}

Conversations and jokes during the day about the freshness of fish and eating straight out of a goldfish bowl sparked images of bloodworms. The thought was immediately chucked aside but they still crawled their way into my dreams at night. I’m glad I realised it was only a dream soon enough to snap myself out of the impending terror.

The following night, I had a peculiar dream where there were long furs growing on my chest. I was surprised to find tufts of white all over. When I awoke in the morning, still half asleep and thinking it had indeed occured, I contemplated on whether shaving would be a good idea.

I dreamt that a tapeworm was crawling out of my eyebrow! It was so scary and gross, and I had to keep my eye squeezed shut while it worked itself out. It happened three times, and when it was all over, I stood over a utility sink and sobbed.

My first take on the dream dictionary interpretation was alarming, because it says tapeworms forwarn of “poor health and little pleasure” or something like that. There were three of them, and I’ve got a trinity of people with health problems in my life, so maybe my bottling up of emotion about their health issues is what’s causing me all the grief. I guess I’m just alarmed that this could mean MY health is the issue.

What an awful dream!

I dreamt this afternoon that I was trying to take my truck up a roadway that was nearly vertical, and though I never did experience the feeling of falling, I did have my doubts about whether it would work for me.

I think it means that, in spite of my great intentions to explore life in my new area, I am probably expecting too much of myself, my time, my funds, my energy, and I just won’t be able to keep this up.

Some of this may be more directly related to my running goals. It could be that I will have to reduce my expectations for a little while and be content with maintaining my current mileages while my body rebuilds itself while performing at this higher level of activity.

I’ve had this dream of being in a room made of glass.

I sat in this room, staring, never moving or touching the glass.
Though I wanted to (how much I wanted to). I felt like someone would come out and say, “That’s wrong, that’s my glass.” It’s weird, but I had the largest desire to shatter the pieces. I wanted to get everything out. I wanted to scream and stomp and make a big scene.
But I didn’t.
I still want to.

I was on an elevated walkway with handrails, like the one Luke runs on while he’s fighting Darth Vader in the cloud city, and a machine comes along, grabs my section of it, carries it through the sky, and plunks it down in a new spot.

This time, the walkway goes alongside a shoreline, only it’s partly submerged in murky, brown water. I appeal to an authority figure over this; “Can’t it be raised some more?” I ask him, but he shakes his head no.

Interpretation: I am on a path that will continue in spite of my move. I am flooded with old, stale, negative emotions, and that is the background for my search for gainful employment, a search which is affecting other changes in me that help keep me from sinking completely and could help elevate me above this current waist-level. I need to clean up the water, too.

So, I’ve been traveling and camping out and packing and doing a lot of driving, and during this time, I have not had my dream journal with me. I do remember a few things from some different dreams, though:

-in one dream, I accepted responsibility for a pair of twins who were ages 8 and 9, but when I got them, they were just babies. This one doesn’t have clear meaning for me.

-in another dream, I was hammering in a tent stake to put up my tent, only I looked at it again and saw it was a big sword that I was hammering into the ground next to my bed (which was, get this, in a stream bed – cute, no?). This means to me that I am allowing my ambition to sleep but it will be waiting for me when I am ready.

-in my dream from last night or the night before, I walked out of a restaurant which, in reality, burned to the ground many years ago, and it was night. There was a big group of us, and we had been called outside to see a spectacle; we all gasped and oohed and aahed as we saw the immensity of the starry night sky, for it had grown so much larger. This means to me that I am ready for a spiritual journey or awakening.

Now, I’m reunited with my dream journal, so I should be able to record my dreams again. Luckily, I remember these little tidbits and can jot them down, too.