JudithKD Hello? Where did I go?
overwhelmed. I’ve just gone back and reread part of this thread and I have to say that yeah it made me cry. It is so amazing to me that all of you care so much, and yeah, I keep saying it, but it’s true. I expect very little of the people in my life, for a lot of good reasons as you know.
The kindness of strangers and others is not something I take for granted!
Did you know that I took a printout of this thread with me to the hospital? DH printed out new messages and brought them to me for the two days I was in the hospital.
Then it was harder to recover than I expected and exhausting in all ways to deal with the aftermath of the cancer/no cancer roller coaster I’d been on for two months. I shut down. I had to, I had nothing left for anyone at that point.
Now, months later, I’m still finding my feet so to speak. I am working on my house and garden, getting ready to do a final resolution with some of my family, and trying to move a little bit forward.
I”m still not sure what direction that will take, but I’m taking the opportunities/resources I’ve been given and trying to make the best use of them I can. Culling stuff, spending less money, and sorta going “thataway” are the only things that have made sense this year.
I seem to have lost my “give a damn” along with my ovary. Or maybe it was the total terror of possibly having cancer? Dunno, just know that I cherish my morning coffee, the birds in the garden, deciding which stuff is going out the door now, and trying to see the next tiny step although I have no idea what the goal is these days. Drifting is all too easy and the fire that has always lived in my gut and kept me going one-more-step is still gone. I don’t know if I miss it or not, but life sure is different without it. Very self-centered and lassiez=faire [sic] these days, that’s me. Don’t know that I like myself this way, and it doesn’t seem like I can change it either. Disconcerting!
I feel like the quilts I’ve been buying on ebay: thin, previously loved, warm, sometimes attractive, but battle worn. I guess I feel old? For almost a month all I wanted to do was take things apart. I took apart sweaters for recycled yarn, took apart old quilts for a house project still in the works, I ripped clothes apart for their fabric. I’ve been unpacking boxes of stuff and culling down what to keep or not. Maybe this is breaking eggs to make an omlette? I sure hope so, I’d hate to drift like this for much longer. I can’t seem to find the “on” button.
jkd
