Avoid Avoiding

I cant seem to face my ex he dumped me and i was sad but now i dont care but everytime i see him all i want to do is give him hacky looks :) we dont talk anymore and i dont want to see him but i ant bring myself to go where he is i cannot get over avoiding him its too difficult :S 11 months ago

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. 4 years ago

as a manifestation of fears

I have come to realize
that those fears were probably placed
in order to keep me compliant

so now I want to grab ahold
and be the person inside me

without fear 4 years ago

need a more substantial goal to focus on 4 years ago

finally got my grievance letter and all the papers i needed to go with it over to blue cross. i’ve been putting it off for over well over 2 months, but its in and i don’t have to have that hanging over my head now. yayyyyy :) 4 years ago

have not been diligent about this one, i’ve been avoiding dealing with my anthro teacher from last semester….long story short, i was basically forced into emailing her and now have a strange sense of relief that after all these months of thinking about it, i made the move and now and am actually looking forward to getting this matter resolved. 5 years ago

didn’t end up going to my test yesterday. now i’m avoiding talking to my teacher….gawd i wish i never woulda taken this class. 5 years ago

right now i’m avoiding the fact that i have a test in a few hours that i haven’t studied for….i hate myself, why do i always do this? hung out with a friend last night when i should’ve been studying. i deserve to fail. 5 years ago

well, i was avoiding writing my paper yesterday (i’d avoided it the whole week prior), and i almost just gave up cuz i have this problem where if it can’t be perfect, i’d rather not do it at all…it’s a horrible horrible habit. but neways my boyfriend encouraged me, and i faced upto it and finished it by 6:45 (i have class at 7)....so yayyy i’m so relieved i did it cuz now i won’t have to come up with some stupid excuse and have to do extra credit….it definately wasn’t a perfect paper, but anything is better than nothing when it comes to school assignments…i’ll prolly get a B which is a helluv a lot better than an F! :) 5 years ago

Uhm, referring back to my first entry (& motivation for adopting this goal) – I think I’m doing very well on this. Yay!

I have a new boyfriend.
We first met around 6 years ago, so I have a decent sense of his character, which makes me more comfortable in the relationship.

He’s much more open than I am, but also has a strong character, so I know he won’t let me avoid stuff. Since we communicate well (so far), I don’t feel the need to avoid things so much.

I can start out with trying to explain something to him, and then if he reacts strangely, I can just admit that it didn’t come out the way I wanted it to, and have another go at it. This way I can take risks in trying to communicate and I don’t feel like one misunderstood, or badly stated, comment might end the whole relationship.

Anyway, it feels safe. I know he wants things to work out, possibly even more than I do! Feeling secure means I can let go of the urge to avoid. 5 years ago

Well, I say if others prefer to avoid, then I’m not gonna go out of my way.

All this because… I just came back from a 3-day conference in Tokyo. There were easily 800 people there, and who do I seem to end up face-to face with 5 or 6 times? Yep. Guy who brutally dumped me. I mean, I only saw some of my own coworkers once! Why this guy? Anyway, each time he a) had a very grim & forbidding look on his face, b) looked through me, c) but somehow, though he didn’t appear to actually see me any of those times, he still managed to suddenly feel an urge to go far far away from where he had been.

Funny thing, that. Ok, not funny. AND yes, ok, I still find him ridiculously attractive. More the fool, I.

It’s bugging me more than it should because – I am not the kind of person who hates (oh, I do resent stuff & sulk, but not hate), no one I’ve dated before ever despised me. I have no idea why he should despise me – perhaps he made up some ideal in his head of who/what I was and when reality didn’t match, he decided it was my fault.

Actually, considering what I know of his personality, that may be EXACTLY what happened…. hm.
Anyway, other than feeling like persona non grata 5 times in 3 days, I enjoyed the conference. 5 years ago

I’m off men these days, which is kind of a pleasant break – not that there’s usually much going on for me in the man department, but I have decided to attempt “dating” – assuming any opportunities arise.

Anyway, while I’m taking a break from being desperate and pathetic…hehe ;-) I have a friend here whose relationship situation is utter chaos, and I’m kind of enjoying, well not enjoying, but you know, noticing a few things that she does around guys that I do too.

Observing someone else’s actions

[giving mixed signals to guys and getting mixed signals back, then stressing about it because no-one knows what’s going on, yet she’s unwilling to just say what she wants]

and the results is painting a clearer picture of what I have tended to do in the past.

It’s a learning opportunity. I think she’s ok with my analysis cause I’m not judging her, just relating to it.

Well, she must be okay with it, cause she volunteers the info… 5 years ago

I’ve made a start – I’m way better at this than I was last year.

Have since learned that: early/ clear rejection is MUCH better than hiding your feelings (insecurity) and not knowing what the h*ll is going on with the other person (confusion, angst) for a long time and THEN getting rejected, ha ha! :) :(

Sounds pathetic, but it was a good lesson. I am NEVER gonna do that again – what a waste of time and mental energy.

It’s easier to take the plunge and be more direct when you know the crappy consequences of long-term indirectness – which I do now know!

Last time I was dumped (2 months ago), he did it very directly and clearly. My friends thought it was nasty – me?
a)I was unhappy about being dumped, because I liked him, but
b) I kind of admired him for not jerking me around, especially because earlier on I had asked him not to. (Aww, how sweet, he remembered!)

Well, I call it progress anyway ;) 5 years ago

I avoid unexpected emotional type stuff. I avoid relationships. I avoid responsibility (especially responsibility for other people’s emotions).

In my defence, I think that I avoid responsibility because I DO take it seriously, and the last thing I want to do is disappoint people.

Nonetheless, I need to avoid avoiding. 5 years ago

I thought I had mailed it last June,
but found it on my desk at work, when I got back this August,
I’d been putting off mailing it, but then I thought,
“AVoid Avoiding!” and wrote a letter explaining what happened
and went to the office to mail it.

small, but then it’s all about babysteps 6 years ago

...and I need to stop avoiding them NOW!!! 6 years ago