Avoid Avoiding

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as a manifestation of fears

I have come to realize
that those fears were probably placed
in order to keep me compliant

so now I want to grab ahold
and be the person inside me

without fear

need a more substantial goal to focus on

finally got my grievance letter and all the papers i needed to go with it over to blue cross. i’ve been putting it off for over well over 2 months, but its in and i don’t have to have that hanging over my head now. yayyyyy :)

have not been diligent about this one, i’ve been avoiding dealing with my anthro teacher from last semester….long story short, i was basically forced into emailing her and now have a strange sense of relief that after all these months of thinking about it, i made the move and now and am actually looking forward to getting this matter resolved.

didn’t end up going to my test yesterday. now i’m avoiding talking to my teacher….gawd i wish i never woulda taken this class.

right now i’m avoiding the fact that i have a test in a few hours that i haven’t studied for….i hate myself, why do i always do this? hung out with a friend last night when i should’ve been studying. i deserve to fail.

well, i was avoiding writing my paper yesterday (i’d avoided it the whole week prior), and i almost just gave up cuz i have this problem where if it can’t be perfect, i’d rather not do it at all…it’s a horrible horrible habit. but neways my boyfriend encouraged me, and i faced upto it and finished it by 6:45 (i have class at 7)....so yayyy i’m so relieved i did it cuz now i won’t have to come up with some stupid excuse and have to do extra credit….it definately wasn’t a perfect paper, but anything is better than nothing when it comes to school assignments…i’ll prolly get a B which is a helluv a lot better than an F! :)

Uhm, referring back to my first entry (& motivation for adopting this goal) – I think I’m doing very well on this. Yay!

I have a new boyfriend.
We first met around 6 years ago, so I have a decent sense of his character, which makes me more comfortable in the relationship.

He’s much more open than I am, but also has a strong character, so I know he won’t let me avoid stuff. Since we communicate well (so far), I don’t feel the need to avoid things so much.

I can start out with trying to explain something to him, and then if he reacts strangely, I can just admit that it didn’t come out the way I wanted it to, and have another go at it. This way I can take risks in trying to communicate and I don’t feel like one misunderstood, or badly stated, comment might end the whole relationship.

Anyway, it feels safe. I know he wants things to work out, possibly even more than I do! Feeling secure means I can let go of the urge to avoid.

Well, I say if others prefer to avoid, then I’m not gonna go out of my way.

All this because… I just came back from a 3-day conference in Tokyo. There were easily 800 people there, and who do I seem to end up face-to face with 5 or 6 times? Yep. Guy who brutally dumped me. I mean, I only saw some of my own coworkers once! Why this guy? Anyway, each time he a) had a very grim & forbidding look on his face, b) looked through me, c) but somehow, though he didn’t appear to actually see me any of those times, he still managed to suddenly feel an urge to go far far away from where he had been.

Funny thing, that. Ok, not funny. AND yes, ok, I still find him ridiculously attractive. More the fool, I.

It’s bugging me more than it should because – I am not the kind of person who hates (oh, I do resent stuff & sulk, but not hate), no one I’ve dated before ever despised me. I have no idea why he should despise me – perhaps he made up some ideal in his head of who/what I was and when reality didn’t match, he decided it was my fault.

Actually, considering what I know of his personality, that may be EXACTLY what happened…. hm.
Anyway, other than feeling like persona non grata 5 times in 3 days, I enjoyed the conference.