Since my sister didn’t have any attendants for her ceremony, I was invited to come to her hotel room before the wedding to be photographed helping her get dressed and put on makeup. I may have rolled my eyes at this at first (thank goodness we discussed it over the phone and not in person) but actually it felt like I was really helping her and she really appreciated it. It was nice to be part of the inner circle.

I wore plain black for the pictures, but carried a hot pink shawl the rest of the time. Sis kept complimenting me on how I looked, saying I looked great and she couldn’t imagine how I could get my hair to do such incredible things, etc. So I guess my appearance passed the test. And when we were taking pictures, it did look cool to have everyone wearing dark colors and her in red. So I eventually came to see her point about me not wearing my pink dress. It was tough for me to accept at first, and she could definitely have been more tactful and considerate when she first told me the pink was not OK. But in the end it didn’t matter at all and we both had a fabulous time seeing friends and family from all over the world.

I was standing right in front during the ceremony, opposite my sister so I could see her face, and later she said that looking over at my smiling face gave her strength during the ceremony. That felt good to hear.

I didn’t take many pictures myself, but I will post more when we get the official photos back.

P.S. No, I don’t want to do this again! I am praying that my sister’s marriage lasts long into her old age. 7 years ago

The groom’s dinner the night before the wedding was virtually painless. I was able to connect with my sister privately a little and that was very nice.

The groom seems happy; with sis it’s harder to say. I don’t think she’s relaxed yet.

I wore the pink dress with a beautiful pink crochet shawl that miraculously turned up in my apartment with my aunt. So I got to wear the dress I wanted to, but I showed a little less skin and toned it down a bit. I felt good, I looked good, and I didn’t piss my sister off. Everybody wins!

Pictures to come; I forgot my camera so I’ll have to wait until someone sends me theirs. 7 years ago

That last entry has really got my internal wheels creaking and cranking… So I need to be my fabulous self on the inside, know who I am, without having to prove anything to anyone on the outside, at least not this week.

When I went to my parents’ house yesterday to help my sister, I left all my pictures and souveniers from Burning Man at home. I knew that if “helping with the wedding” turned into “getting lots of attention from Mom and Dad and shifting the focus away from the wedding,” this would be a problem.

I still had my amazing trip, no one can take that away from me, and I can tell my parents about it another time.

Maybe what I mean is that my most fabulous self is also humble about how fabulous she is—and doesn’t have to be the center of attention all the time to still know she’s fabulous. 7 years ago

Going to Burning Man is actually helping with this goal too.

Because even if I can’t dress the way I want and I have to hide my crazy beautiful light under a bushel, at least I just had this incredible mind-blowing experience that really keeps me grounded and reminds me who I really am: a passionate, creative, adventurous, wild creature.

I am getting together with Sis today to put myself at her disposal and help with whatever’s needed. 7 years ago

I just got back in town at 5 a.m. this morning, and my sister is arriving (she lives out of state) on Friday to begin the hardcore final phase of wedding planning.

She hasn’t been returning my calls (I assume because she’s busy and not because she’s mad at me) so I’m not sure how things are going with the planning.

(P.S. More on my unbelievable, surreal experience at Burning Man later…) 7 years ago

For better or for worse! 7 years ago

“Thanks, I would love some of your help!” begins the e-mail I received today. And, even more surprisingly, it ends, “Do you have any suggestions?”

Thanks, 43Things, for reminding me to stay focused on my goal! If I hadn’t been reporting on my dress purchase yesterday in light of this larger goal, seriously I would probably not have thought to e-mail again with an offer of help. What a difference a month makes—the response was a 180-degree turnaround from the last time we had this conversation. 7 years ago

What to wear? I don’t really have any responsibilities, so this is all I have to do. Show up and look cute—but not too cute.

Maybe I could handle more responsibilities. I guess my sister might appreciate it if I renewed my offer to help out with whatever needs doing. I’ll e-mail her tonight.

Anyway, I got a different (much more conservative) dress at a consignment place today. DKNY for only $20! Maybe I can get a colorful wrap or something and if sis hates it I can set it down for the pictures. 7 years ago

We carefully avoided talking about what I might wear to her wedding, but otherwise it was good. 7 years ago

The e-mail exchanges have been regular and more than civil. Pleasant, even. We haven’t spoken on the phone since the cryfest a month or so ago, but I am warming up to the idea. 7 years ago

And now everyone in the family knows about the scandalous pink dress they won’t be seeing at the wedding. I don’t know if this makes things better, or worse.

At least everyone who’s called me seems sympathetic. Well, my crazy aunt is the only who called so far. Yes, the one who’s going to Burning Man with me (if that gives you any idea of her temperament). So she could only be expected to take a decidedly pro-outrageous-clothing position. 7 years ago

Here is me with my sister. (Yep, she’s adopted.)

I made a little altar on my counter tonight, with pictures of my sister and I together, my sister and her fiancee, and my grandmother. I lit a candle and am holding a vision of all of us staying focused on what’s important.

I promise not to post any more entries about dresses. Or at least not to focus so much of my energy on the practical problem solving. 7 years ago

My sister is angry about the dress I bought to wear to her wedding (as a guest, not a member of the wedding party).

(Here’s me in the dress, with presumably the same male accessory I will have at the wedding. My sister heard all about the dress before, but for some reason did not protest the purchase until after I had cut the tags off and worn it a few times!)

While she was on a roll with saying what she really thought, she chose that moment to tell me everything she has found despicable or annoying about me for the last 30-odd years. (At least I hope that was everything!) This took a while.

Ouch. Granted, we haven’t had good communication in the past. I guess maybe this is a step in the right direction for our relationship.

I am trying to keep it all in perspective and remember that she’s under alot of stress and pressure from family on both sides, and that while her feelings are valid, her impressions of me are just that—impressions (and I don’t need to take them personally).

Luckily I am getting great support from friends who’ve been there (and I am not involving family in this conflict where they might feel caught between or compelled to take sides). My boss even noticed how upset I was and suggested I take the afternoon off if I needed it. (I didn’t need it.)

What I haven’t decided yet is whether or not to comply with her (unspoken, but clearly communicated) request. I mean, it is her wedding: hopefully a once-in-a-lifetime event. On the other hand, I don’t want to reward bad behavior. (And I can’t afford to spend another two days’ salary on clothes right now!) 7 years ago

True, there are several months to go, but most of the plans are in motion and tensions seem to have subsided. 7 years ago

I tend to be the peacemaker in the family, so I’m going to try not to get in the middle of other people’s conflicts, while still helping everyone keep things in perspective and focus on what’s important: that we’re a family and we’re together (and not the small stuff that people get hung up on: the menus or the flowers or the dress…) 8 years ago