solidify my spiritual beliefs

I’m in an odd middle ground right now. I don’t feel like I’m atheist at all anymore and I’m definitely not religious… But I feel like I want, need, something to believe in. Like all it would take is the right push, the right discovery, a moment of clarity and I would believe in God again.

Is that a sad thought… that I’ve forsaken Him if He exists? Is it also a sad thought to feel guilty for betraying an imaginary presence if He doesn’t?

The problem that I face is that in my own opinion, if there are so many different religions all saying the other is wrong, logically they’re probably all wrong. However, every culture has religions that share some very base aspects. I’ve long believed that every religion is merely a vehicle for getting people to the same place, the same truth. I don’t know what that truth is, or I guess just not how to put it into words, but I know that I’m searching for it on my own and it isn’t working…

I’m suspicious of religion… I mean, just take one look at extremist Islam that corrupted the Quran to get well-meaning believers to do terrible deeds? Normal Islam (from what I know from my World Religions class) is perfectly reasonable and respectable. I guess I’m trying to say is, I’m not suspicious of religions, I’m just suspicious of anything that encourages people to follow blindly. Some sects of Christianity too (just take the Westboro Baptist Church for example) are just as corrupt. Any religion has the capacity to become corrupted, because of the nature of religion as a whole…

Some day I will figure this out. If He exists… well, He must know that I’m looking for Him…

I’m kind of tired and should’ve gone to bed 45 minutes ago but I felt I should write a little something on this. I could write novels about all the complicated feelings and beliefs I have about spirituality and religion but I’ll start with the abbreviated version here.

Basically, I was raised lutheran but by high school stopped going to church much and by junior year more or less stopped believing altogether. In junior year I wavered between agnosticism and belief. In senior year I went through a difficult three month long depression in which I felt deeply alone and identified as strongly athiest, a bit existentialist I guess. Even when I emerged from the depression I still identified myself as an athiest for almost a whole year. However, sometime around last springtime or early summer I’ve started moving back toward agnosticism and I now tentatively identify myself as such.

The problem is that I think in many ways I’m still atheistic, but I’m afraid. Also, I guess I have two very distinct, warring parts of my personality. In many ways I am fiercely skeptical, analytical, and rational, and yet I can also be very open, creative and accepting. So, there is the part of me that looks at the evidence and identifies as atheist and the part of me that is open to believing that not everything can or should be explained.

The only thing I can say for certain is that I’m not religious. I’m not part of any religion, in fact I’m a little skeptical and paranoid about religion in general, but I guess I won’t get into that right now.